Cold Steele
by Milamy
Summary: Anastasia gave all of herself to Christian and in return he broke her. Can damage be ever repaired, or it was too much for her to bear?
1. Introduction

_Ok, Hello...again..._

 _Information first:_  
 _I've been out for a while now, but I'm back._  
 _A while ago (almost 2 years, still can't quite believe it) I started posting this story to FF._  
 _I was writing it for a while, and I got lost in what I wanted to achieve and it ended up in deleting the story._  
 _This time I'm taking this differently. I decided to give some explanations at the beginning, like - what's going on in Ana's head.  
Obviously I'm not James, so all you recognise it based on the book. FF project for fun.  
_

 _But, I decided to give it another shot. I decided to rewrite it, correct it and give myself and to you - a closure. I remembered it had a very positive reception and reading your PMs got me back to writing this story. Hopefully you won't be disappointed._

 _It's not totally the same story, but the main plot is the same. (That's why it's called 'Cold Steele 2.0')_

 _Updates are scheduled once a week  
_

 _Let me know what do you think of it in PMs reviews- would you like to have this story back :) ?  
Can't wait to hear from you again in this Fandom, enjoy the introduction and the other chapter.  
~Mila_

* * *

Introduction

2012

Anastasia's POV

No matter the situation, there's always more than meets the eye.

The same thing was in my case. I knew I wasn't supposed to daydream, but I couldn't get Master out of my mind. I had to be totally focused in order not to mess anything up. It's been about seven months now, and I felt like I found somewhere where I belong. Although, for most people, what I found normal couldn't be further from norms accepted by society. But I didn't give a damn. It was what I wanted and that was what I was getting.

It was late, and Master should be home soon. I checked if his dinner was ready and prepared a sit for him. We hardly ever ate together, and I didn't mind it at all. When I heard his steps, everything was ready. I was proud of my timing. I immediately looked down and stopped everything waiting for his reaction. He came to me and kissed me gently on my cheek. I didn't move. I wasn't told to.

"Good evening Anastasia." He caressed my cheek.

"Good evening Master. The dinner's ready." Without further comments I put his plate on the table and stepped aside. He didn't tell me to join him, so I ate in the kitchen.

I heard him calling my name, when he was done. I finished a while ago and it was good to be back in reality.

"Thank you, Ms Steele. Tasted delicious as usual." I smiled at the praise. It wasn't often that he actually said it and loved hearing this.

"You're welcome." I smiled more to myself. I didn't know what was going to happen. I felt like I was little and a bit helpless.

"I'll be in my study for an hour or so. I'll come to you when I'm done." He kissed me on my cheek he left me alone.

I cleaned up in the kitchen and went upstairs to my room. I spent several minutes on literally nothing, but I knew I had to take a shower and change so I could go to the playroom. I always anticipated every scene, but I was also waiting to the moment it was over, so that he would hold me and tell me that I was good and that I tried hard.

When the water hit me, I was ripped from my maze, I knew I had to be on alert all the time. I shouldn't relax to early. It was still before nine. A lot of thing can happen at that time. I was careful not to wet my hair. Drying them was a torture and I did that every morning. I put on my panties and sat, legs crossed on my bed. I relaxed the breathing and I welt the tension leaving my body.

I was at peace. I knew why I was there. It's been months when I decided to sign the contract and I didn't regret my decision.

I looked at the clock and it was well past ten and he was still not coming. I was slowly beginning to worry that he would forget about me, but I knew it wasn't the case. He would never forget. That was exactly when he entered and saw me waiting. I moved from the bed to kneel, but he stopped me.

"You were waiting way too much kitten." He gave me his hand and I followed him to the playroom. When we were inside I knew I had to calm down and to let him lead me. I kneeled at his feet and waited for his move. He was observing me closely before saying anything to me. I knew I was safe and enjoyed every minute there. He took his time by touching me. I wasn't going to let him down.

In the morning he informed me, that he won't be needing me for the rest of the weekend and to come on Wednesday at eight. I hated weekends like those because I felt useless. I didn't say anything though. There were also moments, that I couldn't come to him and I understood that, but it still made me sad. He noticed how I felt and touched my shoulder to reassure me.

"I know you're sad, but I'll make it up to you soon." He smiled at me and I left his home not entirely knowing what to do.

* * *

Whenever I was lost I my thoughts I found myself cleaning my small flat. It was never dirty and that made the job easier. I had to check from time to time, what I really had. Throughout the University I used to live with my best friend Kate, but I couldn't live with her forever. As soon as I found a job, I moved out. Kate was sad about it, because, as she described it – she missed my cooking. Still, she was a great friend. For me it was a time to move on. Besides, I needed space and silence to reload after weekends with Mr. Grey. I didn't want anyone to see me, when I wasn't in the best shape.

I wasn't sure if that would make sense, but I decided to call Kate to come over if she wanted.

"Ana, long time no hear, any plans for the evening?" I laughed at her words. To be honest, Kate was always busy on the weekends, just like me.

"That's why I'm calling. Movie and Tea?" I asked her knowing well that her evening was going to some party and mine was… well… movie and tea…

"Anaaa… You need to chillout sometimes." I smirked. It was relaxing, for me at least. If I went to club, Kate would be nagging me to drink with her, and I couldn't drink too much. I was terrible when I was drunk, plus Grey didn't approve it. I would be in trouble.

"Katie, I called, I'm offering. Coming?" I heard her sigh in resignation.

"I'll be in thirty mins." I hung up and looked around my flat. I gathered all the pillows and blankets and put them on the floor. We were planning to build a base and hide inside. I smiled at the memory of our evenings at university. It was almost unbelievable that we've graduated and moved on with our lives. The other unpredictable thing was that she's been dating one guy for more that two months. Don't get me wrong, but I wouldn't call Kate a good girlfriend material.

"Steele. It's great to see you. Feels like forever." I pulled her into a hug and set a water for a tea. She saw the pillows on the floor and squeaked in delight. "I missed that. I keep on telling Elliot that this is the best way to watch the movie." For us, absolutely.

"So, how are things between you two?" I asked casually, it wasn't really my business, but I wanted to know if I was expected to be anti-crisis unit anytime soon.

"Great, you know? Elliot is a really nice guy. I think he's the one." I rolled my eyes on that remark and didn't comment on that. She told me all about him and that made me feel a bit unease. Elliot Grey was Grey's brother. I've seen him twice so far and he was so unlike Christian. He was easy-going, cheerful and hmmm… I believe extraverted suits him best. Christian on the other hand was always reserved and calm. He wasn't showing too much of emotion. Everything was hidden behind a mask of indifference. He wasn't a bad person though. Yes, he was demanding, but I liked him this way. I knew he cared about me, although not in the same manner as I did.

"Hold your horses Kavanagh. Don't say too much, too soon." She messed with my hair deliberately to piss me off, but it didn't work. I threw a pillow at her to take that grin of her face.

"When are You planning on finding someone? You're gorgeous, girl. Plenty of men would do anything to date you." It was something she brought up whenever I saw her. I couldn't tell her that I didn't care about men. I cared only about one. Christian wasn't my first boyfriend, but the first who understood what I needed. I really felt good with him. No other person could make things better as he could.

"For now, I have too much work to do. I wouldn't be sleeping if I was in a relationship." She looked at me with sadness in her eyes. In her opinion I was working way too much. I knew she was a true friend to me.

"I missed you" I sighed in realisation.

"I missed you too."

* * *

Christian's POV

"Hey, I'll pick you up at twelve. Is it ok, or too early?" I heard my brother talking on the phone with his annoying girlfriend – Ms Kavanagh. To put it in better words, we didn't get along. I still remember how perseverant she was in getting the interview and the joy she didn't come to interview me in the end. There was one good side of her, thanks to her, I met Anastasia. She was so sweet and totally lost. I couldn't waste the opportunity to torment poor student. She literally had no idea what she was doing. Now, I felt wrong for dismissing her early because I was sure, I would enjoy the day more if I decided to stay with her. Unfortunately, Elliot can be pain in the ass, and there are moments, when he doesn't know what it means to let go. We spent the entire day on hiking, but my thoughts drifted to my submissive. I remembered how sad she looked, when I told her to go, but I knew it wasn't the first, nor the last time that would ever occur.

At first, I thought I was taking a huge risk by taking Ms Steele, but she turned out to be one of the best subs I've ever had. She was compliant, curious and eager to learn. After I spent some time with her, I was worried that she might have not been submissive at all, but when I saw her before me, I knew I was right. There was no more smart mouth, arguing, she was learning, that if she's good, it is also beneficial for her. She wasn't stupid.

"Where is your girlfriend wandering?" I still couldn't believe, that it was serious… Elliot and Kate… Like one Elliot wasn't enough.

"Tea and movies with her bestie. They built a pillow base and they watch some Bond movie." He grinned. Seriously? It didn't sound like Kate's way of spending Saturday evening. Though, my evenings weren't much better, pushing little girl and enjoying her submission.

"That's rather odd way, but there was no question." I looked at him like it was crazy.

"From what I've known, Kate was trying to get her way, but Ana wanted something to simply relax." My head turned immediately at Anastasia's nickname. I knew she and Kavanagh were roomies and that they kept in touch. It made me realise that I had no idea that Ana enjoyed spending her evenings that way. I never asked her about that. It sounded sweet and innocent. I almost forgot about that side of her. I knew she needed time for herself as well because I've been pushing her all the time. It was good that she opted for calm evening than clubbing. That would definitely make me mad.

"Ok, I'm not judging." I played along. Elliot and Kate had no idea I kept in touch with Anastasia and that was to remain that way. No one from my family knew and I didn't want to change that. It was how it was supposed to be.

We went to Escala and chatted until Elliot decided to finally take her girlfriend home. I waited long enough to be sure that she'd be alone and called her. I heard the signal, but she wasn't answering. Maybe she was asleep. I hung up and went to my bedroom. I was almost there when I felt the phone vibrating in my hand.

"Anastasia"

"Good evening. Sorry Mr. Grey, showered and it was muted." She explained herself immediately. I was ok with it. I knew she was heading to bed soon.

"It's alright. How you've been today?" I heard how she told me about her evening with her friend and I felt relaxed. I knew that with time she stopped keeping things from me and I felt the difference between her then and now.

"Did you enjoy the movie?" I wasn't James Bond fan, but I understood there were fans to everything.

"It's more about the tradition and shutting off your brain" I liked that remark. It reminded me of her smart mouth. I liked to hear here like this. From time to time…

"I won't be keeping you up much longer. I know I dismissed you for the rest of the week, but if you haven't made any plans so far, you can come to Escala. I won't be hard on you, I promise." It took her a while to think, but I knew she would come. I remembered how sad she was that I was leaving.

"I'll come at noon? Is it okay with you Master?" She asked after few seconds.

"Absolutely."

* * *

 _Liked it? Let me know :)_  
 _Can't wait till another update_  
 _~M_


	2. Beginning of the end

_Hello,_  
 _I'm posting chapter two, because the actual story starts in Chapter 3, which might be familiar to some of you._  
 _It'll be posted Feb 27th_

 _Let me know if you enjoy, or just share some thoughts with me. :)_  
 _See you next week_  
 _~Mila_

* * *

Chapter 2

2012

Anastasia's POV

We spent the entire weekend on hiking. I loved every minute of it. Since our arrangement started, he made it clear that I should exercise more to build up my stamina and mostly to feel better. If I wasn't running and swimming, this would be a challenge. We haven't talked much on the way, but I was enjoying it anyway. We ate lunch together and he massaged me afterwards. For a moment I could see that something is wrong with him, but I didn't want to ask him anything uncomfortable. I knew he wasn't upset with me and that was the most important information.

I had no idea what was happening until two weeks later. Master treated me as always and it seemed that when he was with me, his focus was on me only. However, when he was leaving to his study, I knew I could do nothing to help him no matter how badly I wanted it. It worried me, that he was worried, but he wouldn't talk to me. One Saturday morning he left to the office and I found out about it from a note beside my bed. I decided to use that time wisely, so I exercised and made lunch. When I entered the Great Room, I froze.

Before me stood a woman. She was close my age or a few years older. She had haunted eyes and she looked terrible. I knew she was broken so I moved closer to her. Then, I saw a knife and that stopped me from coming.

"Hello, who are you?" She looked at me as if she didn't realise I could speak.

"Nobody… I'm nobody. Who are you?" Her answer shocked me and chilled me to the bone. I looked at her once again and I understood at least partly - she was one of Christian's ex subs. Small, brunette… She looked just like me.

"My name is Anastasia. Mr. Grey isn't here. He'll be home soon. Let me help you." I risked moving closer, but the knife touched her wrist.

"What do you have that I don't? He's different with you…" I saw her asking, more to herself than to me. And that's when the answer hit me. _Nothing… I'm no different than her. She was probably one of those, he cut off because she wanted more. Exactly what's going to happen if I say the words as well._

"I'm nobody just like you. I'm just another number. He'll leave me one day too" I felt like I was opening the Pandora's box. There was no turning back from this confession. It was my deepest fear, that I was nothing to him. I came to her, but she pressed it and slit her wrists. I saw the blood and I was totally lost in everything that was happening. I ran to her to stop the bleeding and called 911. That's when Christian came. I knew he was horrified but managed to remain calm.

"I called 911 and did all I could. I tried to stop her." I said in hysterical voice. I was still shocked. Christian's focus was on her and I saw that he knew her very well.

"You're safe Leila. I'll take care of you." She nodded, and he took her downstairs.

I was completely lost. I couldn't move. I was alone in the room looking at the blood on the floor. All the situation hit me, and I couldn't get it out of my head. I sat on the floor and hid my head in hands. It was all I could do.

I couldn't move until Grey found me on the floor. He didn't say anything. He just grabbed me and washed without saying much. He lay me to my bed and I avoided his eyes. I didn't want to talk about it. There were too many thoughts on my mind and I didn't want to say them out loud. I've already vocalised my most important realisation.

"Leila is safe in hospital, if it wasn't for you Anastasia, it could've ended worse." He stroked my hair and I sighed in relief. She was safe, that was all that mattered.

"Thank you for telling me." I said in emotionless voice. I instantly relaxed when he started stroking me, but that made me understand something very important.

First, I loved Christian Grey.

Second, He didn't give a damn about me.

* * *

Christian's POV

It shouldn't have happened this way. I couldn't take the picture of Leila out of my head. I felt sorry for her loss and I made sure she got all the help she required. I owed her that, despite the fact our relationship ended a long while ago.

Anastasia was devastated. For the next week she hasn't said anything. We spend the weekend in her room without saying anything. I didn't touch her at all, because I knew she felt uncomfortable. All I could do was to be with her, because she didn't want to talk. I asked her if she needed to talk with someone qualified, but she refused. I knew it was something I couldn't push. I felt powerless.

She seemed better when I told her Leila was sent to psychiatric facility to help her with her issues. She started talking again, I saw the sparkle back in her eyes and I felt that the crisis was over, and she survived. Anastasia was stronger than most people would've guessed.

"Master, I would like to leave earlier today if it's possible." She said one Sunday right after noon. I couldn't refuse her. I decided that from the next week on, we were going back to our usual routine. I took Anastasia's collar off and informed her about that fact. She waited until I finished and said Goodbye.

Anastasia's POV

I needed space, so I got on the car and went to see my dad. I e-mailed my boss, that I couldn't come on Monday, so I get to sleep in my Dad's house.

Whenever I needed support, I knew I would find it at Rey's. He wasn't my biological father, but he loved me like I was his flesh and blood.

"Annie, I'm so happy to see you." He pulled me into a bear hug and held me until I relaxed. So, sedatives worked as effectively as Dad's hug.

"Yeah, Me too." I made dinner and we ate in silence. He told me about the fishing with José's Dad and last games he'd seen. It was so normal, and it was so real. I took my time to run around the town and took great pleasure in it. I texted Mr. Grey that I wasn't in Seattle and that I'd be coming back tomorrow evening. I read his reply and smiled.  
 _*Enjoy your time with Dad, let me know when you get back ~C*_

It's been a while since I had last nightmare and I knew it wasn't nothing. Thoughts were spinning in my head like crazy and I couldn't stop it. All I could think of was Leila slitting her wrists, and when she said: _"I'm nobody"_ I looked in the mirror and saw the same face, but I didn't want to lose him.

I decided to pull myself together and let him have his way. After all, it was the only possible way.

Dad knew something bothered me and I told him about the incident. I skipped everything important, so all he knew was that I saw a girl who tried to kill herself. It was traumatising event. He comforted me and told me that I did the right thing by coming here and telling him this. He hugged me and told me to always share if something bothers me. I loved my Dad so much. I wish my Mom could be there for me as well.

I went back to Seattle in peace and that was what I wanted in first place. I notified Grey I was safe and sound at home. I had to work my problems out.

I knew that to some extent that he cared, and that made me agree at the beginning. I knew he wasn't a bad person either. I had to admit, I've learnt a lot about myself for the past year. I remembered how innocent I was when I met Christian. When I was still allowed to call him that. I found myself enjoying being under his control. At first giving up was hard as hell, but the more I trusted him, the easier it became. I was afraid of punishments, but it turned out that it was never something I couldn't handle.

"I want this." I told myself with conviction. I simply cared too much.

I went back to our routine happily because it was something I understood. I knew what he was expecting from me and all I had to do was to keep calm and obey. I knew I could do that and I knew that I wanted it badly.

I remembered being over his knee and paddling me hard. I would've never expected to tremble in pleasure of it. I wanted to feel more of it because it felt like something woke up inside me.

"It's done kitten. You did very well today." He stroked my cheek and I groaned in pleasure. My ass was hurt, but I was unable to move, still held firmly by his hand.

"Thank you Master. I needed that."

"I know little girl." I felt so vulnerable in his hands and my body seemed to submit instinctively. My body wasn't only mine, and he was taking care of it gently. I knew it was a right thing to do.

* * *

I was waiting for Kate to pick me up. I was going with Kate and Elliot to Mile High Club. It wasn't something I wanted to do after work, but Kate promised me it would be quiet, calm and classy and that Elliot would make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.

"Oh, come on! It'll be fun!" I was afraid of that. I wanted to play with the card that I had nothing to wear, but it wasn't true, so I decided not to lie. I wore my plump dress and black classic heels. I kept my make up to minimum, mostly because I didn't have much time for preparations. I looked modest, yet elegant, and that was something I enjoyed most.

"Hey there." Elliot greeted me from the driver's seat. I waved at him and at Kate.

"If you do anything stupid, I'll kill you." Elliot glared angrily at Kate.

"See? I'm not the only one." But his look changed instantaneously to his usual softness. Elliot was truly adorable.

We ordered drinks and soon after that Kate and Elliot wanted to dance. I stayed with my drink, grateful to myself that I managed to eat normal dinner. That was when I saw Christian and I didn't know what to do.

His eyes were fixed on me and I knew I had to move somewhere more private. It wasn't good. I should tell him I was going out with his brother, just for his information, to avoid situation like this.  
But, much to my surprise he wasn't angry, and he wasn't coming. I looked at him and saw him talking casually to Elliot. Both of them made their appearance.

"Ana, from what I've known, you've already met my brother Christian." I looked at Christian in a polite manner, unsure what to say.

"You were interviewing me for Students' paper Miss Steele. It was a very memorable interview." Christian took over. That interview was a total disaster, and even now I wanted to bury myself alive in shame.

We shook hands and nodded.

"This time, I'm doing something stupid, Ana" He smiled cheerfully and all I could give was a polite half-smile. He left to re-join Kate, but they were looking at us with curiosity.

"Good evening Anastasia. Look at me." I was afraid that he would be mad, but truth be told he looked genuinely amused.

"Good evening Sir. If I had known it was a set up, I wouldn't have come" I explained myself quietly. I was calm, I knew he wasn't mad, besides it was my part of the week.

"I was wondering how it would feel to see you in neutral ground. I have to say that you look pretty." I blushed at his words and muttered thanks. I felt a bit uncomfortable, because we were in public and I was supposed to act like I didn't know him.

"I shouldn't have come."

"If you feel uncomfortable in any way, I can take you home and we'll tell them it was a terrible idea to do this." I instantly lit up. It was the best possible option.

"Would you like to come over for tea, Sir?" I asked with hope in his voice. It wasn't much that I was asking. Nothing worse could happen, right?"

"Sure. Let's tell off my beloved brother and your friend."

Christian hasn't been too many times in my apartment, but I remembered all the times very well. He never stayed for the night though.

"I'll kill Kate for that." I muttered angrily.

"Actually, the genius is my brother, but don't worry about this Anastasia. Nothing bad happened." I leaned to his hand eager to be touched. I got up to make tea and felt his eyes watching me carefully. I knew he wasn't into tea, but it was too late for coffee.

"Thank you." I curled in his lap and felt safe. I enjoyed us both having tea like normal people. I knew these moments were rare and that made them precious. "What's on your mind kitten?" I hesitated because I knew I couldn't give him the truth.

"I'm just happy you took me home." I chose half-truth. I was happy because of that. It was the first time when Christian was so relaxed around me and I wanted to carve that image into my memory.

I knew it could never happen. First Leila and today. He did enjoy the evening, but I knew that it could never be the way I wanted. He put me to bed and it was the last thing I remembered.

"Did Elliot lose his mind? How could he set me up with his brother?" I yelled at Kate the following day. From what Kate told me, their evening was great. Mine wasn't that bad either but I didn't want them to get suspicious.

"You're not the first calling today. Few minutes ago, Christian called and said something very similar." I sighed in relief. Thank God for that.

"Was it that bad? Elliot is insisting he's quite nice when given the chance." I chose to say what was true.

"First thing was pointing out that shitty interview from over a year ago." There was silence.

"Jerk… I already told him off. It had to be really uncomfortable for you. Sorry again." I spent the rest of the day on reading the scripts and drafts and it kept my head away from a friend, Dom and everyone else in my life.

I hated the fact that I didn't know what was going on and that scared the hell out of me. Christian decided to take another turn. He decided to give a try to the little 'dating thing'. I was afraid how it was going to go, but I found myself really enjoying his company in a casual manner.

I was slowly forgetting that we weren't just a regular couple.  
And that was the fatal mistake I made.

* * *

 _Liked it? Hit the button and leave a sign :)_  
~M


	3. Lost

Hello,  
Enjoy chapter 3,  
This chapter was originally the first and there's more of Ana's thoughts. I should warn you about some part of the chapter; I was trying not to be too descriptive because for some it might be a trigger, and I get it.  
The characters are obviously a bit OOC :) and I don't stick to canon as you probably noticed.

All I can say is: WOW! I didn't expect such feedback on this and I'm really grateful for that, especially that some of you decided to rejoin this story again and said you were looking forward to more. It's great ! Thanks for all the favs, follows and reviews.  
I would also like to thank for all guest reviews, because I can't contact those people directly. Every word you wrote is really appreciated and that's just awesome.  
Please continue your expression because it's simply great.  
Chapter 4 will be posted on Tuesday Feb 27th.

On with the chapter :)

* * *

Chapter 3

May 2015

Anastasia's POV

"Ana, are you coming to Ava's Birthday this year?" I heard Kate's voice on the other side. I checked my calendar and in deed, Ava's Birthday was coming in two weeks. I couldn't believe it slipped my mind. Ava was Kate and Elliot's daughter, and she was turning two soon. I have seen her only once – at their wedding and it was the last time I've been to Seattle.

"Of course, I'm coming. I've just been caught up at work." I repeated like mantra.

"If you say so… Don't bring anything to our spoilt brat, I miss you Ana and I feel like I lost you." It hurt to hear her saying this and I knew she was being truthful but coming home was one of my hardest limits nowadays. I wanted to be as far as possible, that's why I moved to Boston. I loved that city which surprisingly didn't seem so distant to me. It became my real home after a while.

"Okay Katie. Thanks for sending me her latest photos. It was really kind of you." I said politely. I wasn't much of a child person, but I couldn't resist Ava's charm. It was really weird to know about Kate and Elliot settling down. The last people I would ever suspect.

"Sure thing. Let me know the details of your flight and Elliot or I'll pick you up." I noted down to thank her for her patience with me. Kate surely has her flaws, but she's good person.

"Ok, see you soon then." I terminated the call and looked pointlessly at the wall. I couldn't back down. I had to go back there. I made a promise and I had to stick to it. All I wanted was to go back to bed.

I knew that running away wasn't the permanent solution, that my past would manage to haunt me anyway. I've come to accept that because it was the only thing I could do. I opened my laptop and booked a flight on May 22nd. I texted Kate, so she could pass the word to her husband and I went back to work.

I hated packing, but I had to admit, that over the years I've learnt a big deal about what things are necessary and which are just a waste of space. I was glad that I didn't have to pack a whole box of cosmetics. Plus of not wearing much make up. I knew I had to do this. I texted Mick to let him know that I'd be away soon.

"Want me to go with you?" He asked carefully. I knew he would if I asked him to.

"No, need. I won't be there for long."

It was going to be a long weekend. It didn't matter that I would spend several hours on the plane. The only thing that mattered was the fact that soon I was to be back home. I knew I was strong enough to do this.

At the airport Elliot was waiting for me. I saw him immediately and he waved at me. I came as fast as I could.

"Hey, good you're finally here. Kate is excited more about you coming than for the rest of the family." I forced a smile, to pretend that I was happy to be there, but he knew I wasn't ok. In the car he was babbling about all the things Ava broke down when she started walking and her first sentences. I knew he was proud of his little girl and he didn't do anything to hide it.

"I didn't do it" Elliot laughed "It's Ava's favourite sentence now, so be warned. If she says it, then yes – she did it" I smiled at that. In those terms of kids' logic, it was awesome.

"Ok, got it. Daddy Elliot" I teased, and he laughed at that. At home Kate and her parents were trying to crush me, but I instantly pushed them away. I didn't mean it that way, but I didn't want anyone to touch me. I hated physical contact unless it was on my terms. I couldn't stand being hugged. It felt like I was suffocating. They'd known me for years. I'd lived with Kate for over four years. According to Diane.  
"Only thanks to you she calmed down a bit." I always said she was wrong, but Ethan always supported that statement.

"Steele, you look like shit." Kate finally said when we were alone in their living room. I sighed and nodded. I knew she wasn't used to me being so skinny. I was clearly underweight, but I made sure I ate proper meals. I just couldn't get back to the way I was before, and it wasn't only about the weight. My skin was paler, hair longer and hadn't been truly happy for years. To be honest, I was a bit jealous about Kate. She got what she wanted: a loving husband, adorable child, and me? I was alone because I knew I didn't deserve either of those.

"I'm fine. Just a bit different." After a while, she would get used to me. It wasn't like a totally different person, was I?

"Lie to everyone, you can't fool me. I've known you for far too long to know that something really bothers you." I appreciated her concern, truly. Still, it was something she had no right to know about.

"I'm okay Kate, I'm just working a lot and barely have time for myself. That's it." I didn't lie. I've pushing myself hard for a while now. I needed something to occupy my head and there are only two things that do the trick effectively.

"I know you're ambitious, but you can't kill yourself by working overtime. I'm worried and I want you happy." I wanted myself happy as well, but I knew it was something I could never have.

* * *

 _2012_

 _Another month passed, and I felt like I was losing myself. I needed to make a decision because I'd be totally gone. Grey's been acting like always and thanks to that he wasn't that hard to read. I had to be good observer, right? Since the incident with Leila something broke in me and I knew, I had to do something about it. I wasn't too naïve to think it would end up okay. There was no good ending. Everyone had their time, and when a doll broke down she needed to be replaced._

 _That was how I felt at the moment. I had to do that to finally let myself go. I breathed slowly to calm down and after a while I felt better. I noticed that he was watching me from distance and came closer when I looked at him. We sat by the window and I saw he was also trying to calm me down._

" _Is everything alright?" He asked me patiently. Since that day when she showed up, he was vigilant. He was talking to me more and I knew it was because it was traumatising event. When I shook my head. I saw him reaching out to me, to check what was going on. "Talk to me Anastasia"_

" _I fell in love with you." I breathed out. I wanted to be over with it. His hand, which has just been caressing my skin, froze. My body froze as well, I didn't even want to look at him at that time, but I had to. As I expected he was shocked, but he was slowly back to his usual self. I knew he was thinking intensely, what had he done wrong._

" _I understand. You know what that means." He said in a cold voice I've never heard before. That was all he had to say. That, he understands! Just great._

" _I was hoping that maybe there was a chance." I said quietly, but I wasn't that delusional. His eyes told me everything._

" _No." I felt like drowning. It was really happening._

" _Christian" I forced out. "Tell me I was always nothing for you and I won't bother you ever again." Then I saw a cruel smile and I felt as if the knife cut its way through my soul._

" _You were always nothing, satisfied?" It was the moment that changed everything._

Just after I reached my apartment I felt I was running out of strength that kept me going somehow. Since he told me I wasn't good enough I was confused with how I felt.

I understood when I opened the door.

 _My entire world collapsed. He left me. Just like that._

 _I was stupid to believe he might want to try things my way or more like regular people. He told me that the very first night. I was naïve to believe he could at least try. I fell to the floor and started to cry. Or maybe started wasn't the right word. Tears just started to fall, I didn't hold them at all, I had no reason to do so. Nothing mattered at that time. I went to my room and checked if I had anything to drink. I found two bottles of raspberry liqueur I got from Ray some time ago. I believed it was the right time to drink. I finally understood why some people drowned their sorrows in alcohol. I was doing exactly the same thing. And that meant one more thing to me. He hated whenever I drank any alcohol. Then it didn't matter at all. I was free, and I could finally do whatever I wanted without him bossing me around all the time. If he cared, I would have some setbacks before opening the bottle, but I knew he didn't. After half an hour, I drank over half of the bottle. I had barely eaten so I was drunk in no time._

 _I took my clothes off and threw to the trash. I felt dirty. I hated my body. If it was the only thing that could attract anyone to me I decided to make it stop. I stood in front of the mirror naked and looked at myself. I looked like shit. I was crying, and my eyes could throw lightnings if only they could. My face was red and swollen. I was genuinely shaking. I took a pocket knife out of my bag and made a first cut. It was on my left forearm. It was about 4 inches long but it started to bleed. I didn't think at all. Surprisingly it didn't hurt as I was afraid. I was cutting my skin like I was about to go crazy. Or perhaps I was absolutely insane while doing that. I was unable to stop myself. I left marks of the knife in many places my arms, thighs, calves, belly. I was bleeding anywhere. What was odd, was that it almost didn't hurt. I was looking at myself and I was horrified by what I saw.  
I looked like hell. I had marks everywhere. I was crying. My hair was a mess and I was holding knife in my left hand._

 _When I realized what I'd just done I dropped to the floor and slapped myself hard. One, two, three, four… I stopped counting. I just wanted that pain inside me go away and no matter what I did, I still felt that void that couldn't be filled with anything. I looked at the clock and noticed it was almost 4 in the morning. I went to bathroom and took a hot shower. My cuts stung but thanks to them I knew I was still alive. I washed my body carefully and took care of what I'd done. When I looked in the mirror I felt the right thing._

 _I hated what I was and into what he changed me. And it was all my fault.  
He was right, I wasn't good enough.  
Finally, when the Sun rose I finally managed to fall asleep, crying all the time._

 _For the entire Saturday, I was laying on my bed shaking and crying after what happened. I didn't eat, only drank water. I had a killing hangover. My head was about to explode. I was thirsty and didn't move more than necessary. On Sunday, I was slowly going back to life. I still couldn't eat, but I could clean up and take care of myself. I had to because the following day I had to go back to work. I couldn't take a sick day. I had to be doing something, somehow. But of course, it was easier said than done. I couldn't focus on anything. My thoughts were drifting to Christian Grey. I couldn't see why it ended that way. In that one moment, I felt like I was only a toy that stopped working properly and needed to be replaced. Over a year meant nothing no him, but for me it was a lot. I was doing my best to live up to his expectations. I was doing what he wanted. I gave him myself and he harmed me just like that. He didn't care that I had feelings too. No one ever cared._ _So why should I care?_

 _I was doing my best to come home only to sleep. During the day I was at work, later I was going to swim for about two hours, then I was visiting the park. Days passed, and I was becoming thinner and after two weeks I had to give up on swimming. I felt weaker and weaker and could do nothing about it._

 _I stopped caring about any relationships left, after a while even Kate stopped talking, she was constantly busy with Elliot, but whenever they weren't busy and tried engaging some activities they looked at me like I was an alien They treated me like I wasn't capable sane person. I had to move out. I needed a fresh start. I applied to several places and waited patiently for reply. I got the answer from Boston. I passed all the stages of recruitment. I asked my friend if I could send my boxes temporarily to his apartment and he agreed._

 _I felt like I died that day. Sweet Ana died, I had to be a better colder version of myself. It was the only way to keep myself alive. I had to be sure, that nobody could hurt me like that ever again. I had no right to be weak.  
"I hate you Grey"_

* * *

2015

Yeah, I wasn't stupid. I knew that it was going to end up like this and it didn't protect me from how that rejection broke me. I knew I wasn't the same person anymore. I wasn't sweet, I wasn't having fun, I wasn't in a true relationship. All because of that. Nothing can describe how much I hated myself since that day. I knew there wasn't a place for me in Seattle anymore. I had to go somewhere else. The farther the better. Only Kate knew I was moving. I didn't have too many friends. I was always kind of a loner and it didn't bother me, but I knew that I couldn't cut ties with people who were my second family.

I spent the morning playing with Ava. She was really bright for her age and what was more, she wasn't shouting all the time. That meant a lot. Elliot and Kate have been watching me carefully obviously noticing the changes not only in my appearance but also behaviour. No one was hugging me, I never started the conversation. I felt like I was mending with the background. Like I wasn't truly there. Saturday evening came and that meant the entire Kavanagh and Grey family. I knew what that meant, and I knew how to act – like nothing ever happened, because truth be told, nothing did happen. Nobody knew about my existence and I had to play along. Kate and Elliot found out at some point. Christian decided to try "the dating thing". It was a fresh thing, so Christian's parents never found out. Besides, it was still too fresh. That was that made me stay before I screw things up. That gave me the glimpse of hope that the situation may improve one day. How wrong I was…

That was the moment when I saw him, and I put all the strength I had to maintain indifference.  
Because that was the moment when he came through the door. He greeted everyone and froze when he saw me. I looked at him only once and I left the room to hide the pain I felt.

* * *

 _Ok, here it was, let me know if you enjoyed it :)_  
 _Till Tuesday_  
 _~M_


	4. Far from being fine

Hello,  
As planned I'm posting Chapter 4,  
Thank you for all the support I got from you in every message. That was an awesome feeling. I spent my last weekend on reading old chapters and reviews and it was so nice.  
Please continue to share your thoughts in Reviews or PM section, let me know what you think of the story so far etc. every word is very much appreciated.

This chapter is made of two older chapters but I think they're better as one.  
Next chapter will be posted on Friday or next Tuesday,

and now on with the chapter :)  
 _~M_

* * *

Chapter 4

Anastasia's POV

I closed the door of the room and pressed hands to my head. It was harder than I first assumed. I tried breathing to calm down, but it didn't help, so I lay on the bed and let the tension go. I could be strong enough to handle one man. I knew I was. So, I stood up and put the mask back on. I saw in the mirror that I was a shadow of the person I used to be, but I knew it was too late to go back to the place I was before. Several years too late. I thought about coming home and Mick, I wish I wasn't alone.

As I expected, nobody noticed I was gone, except for Grey. His eyes were focused on me and I was doing everything in my power not to pay attention to him. I talked to his sister Mia and we played together with little Ava.

"How long you've been with Ethan? I almost couldn't believe when Kate broke the news."

"A year and a half, but it doesn't feel that way."Mia was very cheerful person and she managed to light me up a bit. She had no idea how much talking to her helped me. It was surreal that she was Grey's sister. Still, I couldn't believe that Elliot was his brother. She was happy to have family at home and that made the trip worthwhile. Ava wanted her and me here, and that was all that mattered.

I wasn't supposed to have any link to him, but taking into account my relationship with Kate, he knew he could do nothing about it. I couldn't come to the wedding so the fun of seeing him missed me. I remembered Kate being mad at first, but I was really in a bad shape and I didn't want to ruin her ceremony by my helpless mood. If I saw him a year ago, that would be even harder than it was today.

I found out a bit about Christian's family and they were really amazing people, they were kind, polite and they knew how important it was to stay together. Their bond seemed strong, on the first page. Yet, I knew a bit more about a certain Grey than the rest of the family and I thought that that was one of the reasons he was keeping an eye on me. I knew that he would ruin me if I exposed him publicly. It was something that would never cross my mind, because I was never that sort of a person, but I knew that telling his family would be worse, because trust isn't something you can easily replace. I always considered trust as something extraordinary. It takes years to build but second to lose. I was doing everything to enjoy myself and I put on my best behaviour. I looked confident and I felt it to some extent.

Right after dinner everyone went mad about hugging and cuddling Ava. I stepped aside. I had my time, now it was family's turn. I knew Christian was watching me slowly, so I made way out to the patio. As I expected, he followed me outside. I knew I could handle him. I wasn't the same person anymore.

"Didn't have a chance to say a proper hello" He started in his normal tone. I was doing everything in my power to remain cold. I knew I could do this.

"Hello Mr. Grey" I said in emotionless voice. I had no idea what he wanted from me. I certainly wanted nothing from him, except maybe for leaving me alone.

"I'm surprised to see you here. You weren't at the wedding." I knew that very well. However, from what I've heard, the wedding was really nice and small.

"I know, but Kate's my friend. It isn't bad that I come to see her from time to time. Besides, I promised I would come." He had to suck it up.

"Next time, I'd like to be informed first." I shook my head slowly. He wasn't going to stalk me, was he? It wasn't his business what I was doing with his brother's family. They had no idea about anything important and I wasn't planning to change that.

"I see no reason to inform you. I have no business in contacting you anyway. It's you who approached me today." I weighed every word and did everything in my power not to sound venomous. It was more than he deserved from me. I saw his attitude changing.

"You're right Anastasia. I wanted to check if you're ok. You look… _different._ "

"Well, that's about time and thank you for noticing.I dare say you look very much the same" I hissed, unable to resist, but quickly I remembered to control myself. "Look Mr Grey, if you don't mind, just leave me alone. It's what you're best at." I left the apartment because I knew it wasn't a good idea to stay there with the rest of the people.

I was outside when I heard Ethan shouting behind me.

"Ana, wait!" I stopped and looked at Kate's brother. He was similar to her in terms of appearance, but his personality couldn't be more different. He was Kate's more sensible version and a bit less intrusive. I kept in touch with him after I moved out because he was one of the very few people I trusted, and I knew I could always talk to him without being judged.

"Ethan, go back. Mia will be worried." I knew I needed time to be with myself and I wasn't sure if Kavanagh's company was a good idea.

"She won't notice." He winked at me. "She's busy with Ava." I knew she couldn't get enough of her. She was her godmother after all.

"Okay, if you say so, but I'm not in a talkative mood" He nodded and just walked beside me.

"You don't need to be. I could use quiet walk as well."  
Ethan knew me too well. He knew I needed to be back in control. He knew what happened. Not names but the general information. I treated him as my psychologist. I wasn't technically his patient, but I knew he wouldn't tell anyone that sort of information. My secret was safe with him.

"You know… Actually, I know I feel better. There are some issues I'm still working on, but it isn't as bad as it was before." The last months were good. I felt like I was slowly going back to life. Not the way as before though. I knew I would be different, but I accepted what happened and I knew that I couldn't get what I originally wanted. So, I got what I deserved.

"I'm really glad to hear it, but I know how deeply that rejection hurt you. You know that you can call me whenever you need right?"

"I do, thanks." We returned home, and I saw that everyone was relaxed and talked to each other. I talked for a second with Kate's mom and Dad. I treated them as my second parents.

Diane Kavanagh was a kind person and she was always very supportive of me.  
"You need to come more often. We miss you kid" Kate's Dad said. I promised them I would come around Thanksgiving because I was planning to finally go to Ray. If they wanted I could visit the Kavanaghs as well.

It was past ten when everyone left. I helped Kate with the kitchen and Elliot went to check on Ava. I was exhausted, and I was returning home soon. I regretted not spending more time with them, but I knew I couldn't. I didn't want to spend more time with the Greys than absolute minimum. Christian made it harder than I expected. I liked Grace and Carrick very much and the Trevelyans but I chose to be outside. Diane told them that I was cute but a bit too shy and not to get me wrong. I was embarrassed at first, but they changed attitude toward me. They accepted it and became more patient. Grace was an amazing woman. It was clearly visible how much she cared about her family.

"See? It wasn't that bad. You survived it. Congrats to brave Ana" I heard Kate's voice. I sighed not sure how to respond to that.

"Kate… I liked it, thank you for inviting me." That was the best answer I could think of. I didn't want to seem ungrateful or anything like that.

"Always. I wish I could drag you here more often." I laughed at that. I knew she missed me "Didn't you think of coming back?" I shook my head. There was no way to go back to Seattle, not yet anyway.

"I have a life there and I don't want to start over again. You understand me, right?"

"Well, my brother couldn't stop looking at you." I heard Elliot's voice behind me and I didn't like the message. They've known we tried dating a few times, but it didn't work out. I liked Elliot, but that comment made me feel very uncomfortable. I didn't want Christian looking at me at all.

"He was looking at the wrong girl."

"Ana, don't be that harsh. I know you two had some past encounters, but he seems to really like you." I only shook my head in disbelief and turned to my room.

* * *

Christian's POV

I hated family dinners, but Mom insisted that we had to spend time as family and there was no point in arguing. I had to come to celebrate Ava's birthday. Everyone was truly surprised at the news of Kate being pregnant, but even more when they announced their engagement when Ava was born.

Elliot changed. He was still playful easy-going guy, but I felt like he's become more responsible and sympathetic. I was genuinely happy for my big brother as was the rest of the family. They were all besotted with the kid and I couldn't understand it. I wasn't kids' fan. I thought Ava was nice but nothing else.

I had a busy day, so I was the last one to arrive to Elliot's.

"Almost thought you wouldn't appear. Hey" We shook hands and I entered the house.

"I wouldn't miss it. Just had a busy day" I saw my brother's happy grin and I smiled myself. We reached the main room greeted my parents and everyone else and that was when I saw _her_.

To put it bluntly, I was horrified. I knew it was Anastasia, but I barely recognised her. I felt like I was looking at stranger. She was nothing I remembered. She was dressed casually in a modest long grey dress, but she was much thinner. She had long hair taken into a ponytail, but it was her eyes that haunted me most.

There was no spark, and when she looked directly at me… it's been a while when I saw pure hatred and that stopped me from making any move. She left the room for fifteen minutes and she was acting like I wasn't there. I saw her talking to my sister and my mom. They liked her and I heard it was a pleasant talk. I never wanted them to meet Anastasia. She shouldn't be there. I saw her standing up and I followed her to talk to her but all I got was less than a minute and she left the apartment. She was right, I couldn't control the connection she had with Kate and I hated that. I never liked if some things were out of control and I felt helpless. On the other hand, I knew Anastasia hasn't talked to them about me, because some of us would be invited on a different day. Kate wouldn't allow me to get close to her best friend. And one more thing, I've never seen her so distant. It wasn't the person I knew. That look in her eyes…

" _Look, if you don't mind, just leave me alone. It's what you're best at."_ I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's been a while since I left Anastasia and I thought it was for the best. I knew she cared and I warned her, but it was all for nothing. I couldn't give her what she wanted. She deserved better. I told her in the beginning that I wasn't interested in relationship and she chose to ignore the fact. I thought that if I leave her, that would be good to both of us.

For me it wasn't.

"Great you came and did without special invitation." Elliot brought me back to him.

"Mom called me several times to make sure I wasn't running away." I admitted honestly to my brother. He shook his head in disbelief.

"Fuck, and I thought you've grown up." I punched him to stop joking. I wasn't really a family guy and I knew it was never going to change.

"Unfortunately, no. But, it turned out to be nice. Thanks Kate for not throwing a huge party."

"She was close to that, but I reminded her that it was Ava's family day not Kate's party. That was the only thing that made her stop a bit." I knew that Kate had that in common with Mia, they both loved parties and they were unstoppable when they set their mind on something.

"Good for that. If it was bigger, I would have to skip it." I joked. I knew I would come anyway but I wouldn't enjoy it at all.

"Funny, Ana said exactly the same." I looked at him immediately.

"Yeah, I didn't expect her to show up. She wasn't at the wedding and Kate wasn't saying much about her lately." I tried to get as much information about her as I could, and I knew my brother wouldn't keep anything from me.

"Yeah, Ana's having a bad time lately. By saying that I mean, since she moved out. We've been to see her several times and… Well, she isn't acting like herself. I see she's trying but she can't fool Kate." He told me more about her and I knew I needed to get an update on her. The last time I was that interested about her was before the wedding that she didn't attend in the end.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Kate probably feels bad about it."

"Yep, and whenever she's asking her what's going on, Ana is cutting off. So, we eventually stopped asking." I felt like I knew what made her this way. I knew it was my fault, but I had no other choice.

I returned home and felt suddenly cold. I was sitting in my study looking at Anastasia's file. It's been so long, since I last saw her, and I couldn't get her out of my head. I haven't really paid much attention to what happened to her when I terminated the contract. She was gone off my life and that was the only thing that was important. She wasn't trying to reach me in any way. She disappeared from my life, I was hoping that for good. _For the first five months or so…_ But whenever I looked at any submissive I knew it wasn't her. Ana was different from every other woman I've met. She was challenging, kind and innocent. I remembered our time together very well. We'd been together for more than a year, so it wasn't just a single episode. I knew she was worth of my time. She was so eager to learn, and I took great pleasure in training her. But one day I realised that she wasn't acting like herself. She became just like any other and that didn't bother me because I thought she was okay. She was hardly ever complaining about anything. I called Welch to get more details about her.

I read that she's been working in the same company for two years. She was a linguist and she was working as a translator and interpreter in Spanish and French. I was proud of her capabilities, I've always known she was very ambitious and hard-working person and felt happy for her achievements. I found out she was doing very well in there and had a good reputation.  
She had a new life and I had no right to disturb her world. I did enough.

I went back to the moment when I first met her, and I glanced at the photo in the file. That person was gone. I checked some less outdated information and compared two women. My Anastasia was still a child open to new experiences, the other one was, the one broken, was just tired…

* * *

Anastasia's POV

Return flight was the second-best event of this weekend. I was going back to my comfort zone where no one interrupted my life, and everything was under control.

"I promised I'd take you home." I was greeted by Mick. I smiled at him with gratitude. I knew I was safe again and that he would be there for me.

"Thanks Mick. You have no idea how happy I am to be back." He took my bag and led me to the car. It was late, and I had to go to work in the morning, so I offered him to stay for the night. I didn't live on the outskirts in comparison to him. He was really important to me.

"I thought you'd rather be on your own. Don't worry about me. If you like we can meet tomorrow in our Monday café. That was how I met him for the first time and from time to time we were going to have coffee together to one place two blocks from my work.

"I'd really like you to stay. Please…" I didn't feel like staying alone. I needed to feel safe with myself. "and coffee sounds nice anyway." We entered my apartment and I knew I needed to do big shopping soon because my frige and emergency locker were almost empty. I always had some pasta, rice and sauces in cans packed in case I was too lazy to do the shopping. It worked well especially if I had unexpected visitors or simply didn't have time.

Although I've lived here for year and a half the apartment looked like nobody occupied it. There weren't many of personal markers that would show that I consider this place a home. I had little of personal belongings and I didn't feel like I wanted to clutter much space. I made the bed and went back to unpacking. When I finished, I found Mick waiting with hot chocolate. He knew me well enough to say I wasn't in best shape, so he did what he thought would be nice.

"You're spoiling me. Who are you and what you've done to the man I know?"

"You know I can drink two, so don't complain." I pouted but took my mug. He called me to my bedroom and he covered me with my blanket. It felt so cosy I could almost fall asleep, but I needed to pass the interrogation first. He knew I was upset about going to Seattle, but I didn't tell him why I wasn't ecstatic about it. I knew I should always be honest with him if I wanted to make it work.

"How was Seattle?" He started innocently.

"It was fine. The dinner was quiet and small, Ava was on her best behaviour and I like Kate's family." I said smiling at those memories. Diane saying she missed me, kiss for 'Auntie Ana' from Ava, even some of Elliot's jokes were quite ok. It was almost perfect time.

"Glad to hear it, so I take your fear was unnecessary?" I couldn't say that because that would be a lie and I couldn't lie.

"It wasn't. There were some people, I wasn't particularly fond of, but I handled him better than I expected." That was when I realised that I almost slipped his name. I started babbling about the dinner and my girl time with Kate, but he didn't seem to pay much attention to that.

"Who did you handle well?" I knew it. I was screwed.

"I saw my ex and we talked, the ex" I specified.

"And you knew he'd be there?" I nodded. It was rather obvious that he'd come to his brother. "So, you just decided to keep that information to yourself?" Mick didn't know the details, but he knew that it was the reason I moved, that after that I had problems with knives and vast range of _sharp objects._ I could be very creative just to get it done. I hadn't done it for a very long time, just after I found Josh. He made me stop and I was going to be grateful for taking me out of total insanity.

"I was planning on telling you… just not today." The only thing Mick knew, was that I moved after a bad break up with my first, but it was all I wanted him to know, but I knew that I couldn't lie and lie meant one thing.

"I told you not to keep things from me, especially important ones." I didn't like being scolded but I knew I deserved it. To be honest I felt like I deserved more than just a lecture. I told him about the situation and that I felt guilty that I didn't take it as well as I should.

"I'm sorry. I should've told you that that was the reason." And I meant it. He pulled me closer, but I knew he didn't like the fact I chose to keep him out.

"I'm sorry that you've had unpleasant time with friends, but you know what's happening if you're hiding things from me." I knew, too well and I was ready for it. I mustn't tell lies not to him, but more important _not to myself._

"I do, you deserved to know, and I deserve to be punished." I wanted that done and over. I never argued about punishments. They weren't for nothing. I took of the blanket and waited for him to say what he wanted. I was trapped in my shell again and I needed to leave that shell. At first, he came to me and held me until I let the tension go.

"Bend over" I took off my clothes and obeyed. It wasn't bad, I knew that after it was done I'd feel better.

"You know I didn't want to do this. I think twelve is enough." I wasn't in a position to say anything just waited for the blows. The first were only a warm-up they didn't count. When the first came I tensed but one touch told me to let go. Every strike hurt, and I didn't want to protest, I was getting what I deserved. Near the end, I felt it wasn't enough, but I also felt a glimpse of pleasure that I shouldn't be feeling at the time. The last hits were stronger, so I knew it was almost done. I was doing everything not to burst in tears. I knew it was just for what I did.

"Are you ok?" I held his voice over me, he was softer. I needed that

"Yes, Sir. I just need a few seconds." I was still over his knee. I didn't want to stand up right away, so I wouldn't feel dizzy. I finally sat and felt how much by butt hurt. "Thanks. I would ask for it anyway."

"You need to talk to me. We established that lies aren't allowed. I really wish you had a better time, because I can see clearly that you didn't get too much mental rest."

"You're right Sir, in both cases." I said in a tired voice. In the end the trip wasn't that bad, just one aspect was terrible.

I've been with Mick Dawes for seven moths, but it was the only thing we could have. I wanted no personal part, I only wanted to feel _something…_ and he gave me more than I ever dreamt possible. He washed and massaged me and put me to bed. He took care of me and it was the other thing I needed. He set my alarm and did all my evening routine: checked if the door was locked, if cooker was off, and put clothes for the morning. "You know you needn't have done it." I told him when he lay beside me.

"It was nothing. I'm glad you're back…Ana."

* * *

 _Ok, I get that some of you didn't see that coming :) I read the reactions from the previous time and it was so much fun :)_  
 _Let me know if you liked it and see you on next update_  
 _~Mila_


	5. Moving forward

Hello, I had a great day, so I thought, okay I'll post the chapter ;)

So, just enjoy the chapter ;)

* * *

Chapter 5

Anastasia's POV

I waited the entire day to go to the café to meet with Mick. Of course, I almost overslept and barely had time to anything. We both decided to grab something during the lunch break but before the break I had a lot of things to do. First, I was working on the text for a legal department and I was glad I was translating similar things before, because almost all glossary was done, and I could support myself with my history of translation. I hated when I was running short with time. It wasn't like I knew that was on my to do list. It came unexpected and it was prioritised, so I spent my entire day on doing different texts than I was originally assigned to.

At the end of the day all I wanted was a bath and my bed, but I knew it wasn't the end. I went to the café, ordered a tea and salad to finally eat something somewhat normal. I took out my laptop and focused on correcting and rereading my earlier text which were due to send. I had no idea what was going on around me, but there were many youngsters who were exceptionally noisy today. It was weird but luckily, they weren't causing major problems.

"You remembered to keep the place." Mick said in front of me and I closed my computer. I could work when I got home. That remark wasn't silly, because it was a common thing that people were joining other tables when the place was full. I met some interesting people this way, including Mick.

"Honestly no, but I looked too focused to draw anybody's attention." I noticed he had his latte and that he was also tired.

"You drew mine. You're not that scary, sorry to disappoint you" I liked him when he was joking. I was still surprised about the fact that later we met for the second time in totally different circumstances.

"Well, I never meant to be scary, it's a different thing" He shrugged and drank his coffee. I told him about my day and he told me about his. I knew we had to talk more about my personal issues, but I wasn't quite ready for it.

"You look better today; sound night's sleep can work wonders." It wasn't just that.

"Being home, worked wonders and you taking care of me. Thank you for that I needed to be back in control and I know I mustn't lie to you." I felt his hand on mine, but I didn't push him away. He was one of very few people who could touch me, and I didn't resist. I felt good around him, he was the one who brought another part of me back. Since I started seeing him, I was beginning to feel better with myself. He understood me, and he was taking time.

"I wanted to ask you if you'd like to meet my parents on Thursday? They're coming over and I was thinking if you'd like to be there… We've been seeing each other for over half a year and they're dying to finally meet you." I knew it was just a suggestion, but I knew it was too early. He was trying to engage me in his everyday life, but I was holding back. I liked spending time with our mutual friends, but family seemed like… _more…_ and I wasn't sure if I was ready for it.

"Oh, didn't expect that. I don't know if it's a good idea Mick, no offence." He just looked at me and understood the message.

"I get it, so don't worry" I knew I had to really think this over. I had to decide what I was doing with my life.

"I didn't say 'no', I'm just not completely sure, may I let you know during the week?" I needed time to think about it. It seemed like another step in our relationship and I wanted to be sure that I was making right moves. I had to distinguish the arrangement and relationship. I wasn't sure if I was capable of combining both. In front of our friends we were a couple and I didn't mind it, but family was a different matter.

He walked me home and I sat on the floor to think about our relationship. He was really important to me and I didn't want to lose him, but I was reluctant to be major part of his life.

When I met him, I wasn't in best condition. I was several months after breaking up with my previous Dom. I didn't regret it, he was fine, but I wasn't what he needed. There were no regrets concerning that particular relationship. We went separate ways and never saw each other again. Blake moved on and so did I. The man before Blake, became my best friend and I knew I could always count on him. Joshua found me when I was in worst condition and help me get through the worst period, but again our tastes differed too much. He hooked me up with Blake and later thanks to him as well, I eventually met Mick Dawes.

I've come a long way, since I came here. I met many people and made new friends. I couldn't think all the time about the past. I had a chance of being somewhat okay and I didn't want to waste it. I knew that I didn't want anyone to love me. I made sure I was reserved to most I kept in touch with, but there were several people who saw the real me and how damaged I was.

Mick was trying to keep up with me and he knew that all I expected from him was only domination, and at first it was the only thing that connected us. I was defending myself not to fall for him. I didn't want to risk another rejection and I knew I had to be more careful than ever. I lived on pain, I simply needed it and there were moments when pain was the only thing that made me feel I was alive.

Yet somehow, I felt truly attracted to Mick and I slowly started to let my guard down. That was the breakthrough, I let him closer in my life and since that time I was slowly going back to being me to some extent, despite the fact it was constant fight with the darkness inside me. I didn't want to be too attached. I didn't want to repeat my mistake. I don't ever want to hear it again: _"you were always nothing…"_ I wasn't that naïve kid anymore, and I knew that I could never be something to anyone. No one would care, I was sure of that. I heard my phone ringing and noticed Kate's ID

"Hey, you're good?" I heard Kate's worried voice.

"Sorry I was too tired yesterday and that's way I haven't texted or phoned you. How are you?" I said as cheerfully as I could.

"We're fine. Ava misses you. She said she wanted to see you more often." I giggled at that. She was a sweet kid.

"Oh, It's adorable. Next time, as I told your Mom, I'll be coming around Thanksgiving." I heard a pause on the other side.

"I'll come to you earlier than that, even just for a weekend. I'll send Ava to my parents and I'll have girls' weekend with my best friend."

"Katie… it's not as easy as in the past. You have a family, I have a lot of work." I didn't want to make excuses, but I wanted to show her that times we were just roomies were long gone and we both had other commitments.

"Don't say it again, when you'll be with someone you'll see that you still have time to just be you… at least from time to time…" she added after listening her own words. I decided to ask her whether it was a good idea to move forward in my relationship with Mick. Oops, I had to tell her about it first. I could easily predict her reaction without seeing her.

"Actually, I'm seeing someone for several months now and I'm a bit lost in it." I finally spilled the beans. I had to pull away my phone because I didn't want to be deaf at the age of twenty-five because of Kate's squeaks.

"It's great, why didn't you say anything? You should've taken him with you, I'd love to meet him! What's he like?" Part of me regretted telling her about him, but I felt like I was coming clean, not that I was saying anything that most people would find disturbing.

"He invited me to dinner with his parents and I'm nervous about it. I don't know if I'm ready to meet them. From what I've heard, they're nice people and they won't bite me, but I'm scared." Kate somehow let me finish and then told me something that I never expected to leave her mouth.

"I was scared too when Elliot invited me for the first time. But I took the risk and I don't regret it now. I know you've been hurt. I know that that guy, whoever that was, hurt you. I get it, but you can't hide forever. It's been over two years since you're gone. If he makes you happy, go for it. I love you" I almost cried at it. I knew she cared about me and it was odd to hear it, but I needed her reassurance.

"Thanks, for everything."

* * *

Mick picked me up from work on Thursday late afternoon and we went together to his house. I called him on Tuesday to confirm I would like to come and his joy was beyond my imagination. I promised him to help him in the kitchen, but he told me to just enjoy the evening. I couldn't just stand by and do nothing. He was checking up on the chicken and I was watching him from the entrance. His house was small but very cosy. His parents moved closer to the city. Everything was in pale warm colours and it seemed like a nice space to live. His kitchen however was a riddle for me for a long time. It wasn't cluttered but for a while I couldn't find anything. His logic was odd. It was funny when I was asking him several times about one thing and still forgot.

"Ana… they're just my parents. They'll love you for sure. Just please don't be scared of my Dad, he can be kind of intimidating, but he's great after spending some time with him." I nodded to confirm I remembered.

"I'll try not to be. Look, I feel a bit uncomfortable. I know I agreed and I'm not going to back down but… I'm scared." He left the kitchen to join me. He raised my chin, so I was looking him straight in the eye.

"It's really interesting that you immediately bend for caning and sometimes ask for it and don't feel uncomfortable and you're frightened to meet new people. It's adorable little one." He hugged me to comfort me and didn't let me go until I truly gave in. I wasn't used to comforting hugs but that one was really good. "Better now?" I nodded, and we finished cooking. I went upstairs to change into more formal clothes. Not overly normal, it was plain blue dress with long sleeves. I braided my hair and went downstairs.

Mick looked at me from the couch and smiled at me as an encouragement. We prepared the table together and had a few minutes before Mrs and Mr. Dawes were coming. I knew I could do this. I turned to Mick and noticed he was holding my collar in his hand. I looked at him puzzled.

"We're not going to play tonight so don't worry. I just thought that it might help you concentrate." I thought about it and I knew I always felt different then. It surprised me, but I immediately dropped to my knees. I felt it on my neck and let him take the lead.

"I thought you might feel more at ease." I cleared my head into different frame.

"I thought your parents wanted to meet your girlfriend, not sub" I said calmly. It was odd to call myself his girlfriend, but it was no secret that we were seeing each other. Our colleagues knew, our friends knew, and I felt good that I wasn't a dirty secret, but for most of the time I was treating it as a cover story. I started to think about him differently only few short weeks ago and that was when I stared to mean it. I was calling him my boyfriend then, but this time was different.

"They will meet you, and you're both. Just be you and everything will be fine, okay? Besides, the collar is rather discrete." He delicately kissed me on the lips when we heard the doorbell. "There're here. Relax little one." I was in a different frame, I was thinking of pleasing him and that I couldn't let him down. My fear didn't matter. I put a smile on my face and waited to see the Dawes seniors.

"You're finally there. Did you forget the way to your old house?" Mick asked his Dad jokingly and hugged him. Next, he moved to his Mum and kissed her forehead and turned them to me. "Mom, Dad, meet Anastasia – my girlfriend." I stepped closer and shook hands with Mrs Dawes.

"It's Joanne." She smiled at me. There was something about her that made me feel good. She seemed happy to see me. She was petite woman with light blue eyes. I knew after whom Mick got his cute smile.

"It's Ana." I moved to Mr. Dawes. Mick was right, he was intimidating but I wasn't beaten off track. I put myself together and shook his hand. I noticed he took a quick glance at my neck but didn't comment on that.

"Michael, I finally got the chance to meet you Ana. Mick was saying a lot of good things about you."

"He was probably exaggerating." Mick led them to the dining room and I took care of the food. Joanne offered to help but we told her we would take care of everything. I was helping Mick with the food and for a sec we were alone in the kitchen.

"How are you doing so far?" I looked him in the eye and shrugged. I wasn't sure, but I knew it wasn't that bad. "If that matters, in my opinion you're doing great." We joined them and ate chicken with veggies. For several minutes we were focused on food but soon we started to get to know each other. I found out Joanne was an accountant and Michael was a lawyer, they had two more sons and one of them was engaged and the other was married and had one kid. They lived in different areas, so they didn't get to see each other too often.

"I'm from Seattle, so I know what does it mean to live far away." That drew Michael's attention.

"My friend's family lives there. That's a lovely city." I smiled at that remark. Yes, it was, but I couldn't stay there.

"How did you two meet?" Joanne asked me, and I drifted away for a while, but Mick hurried with the answer.

"I joined her table at the café one day and chatted and I left her my number. Several weeks later we saw each other again at friend's party and it just evolved."

"I still can't forget your face when Josh introduced me to you." I joked. It was priceless.

"You didn't look better, but it was a really great day." I felt his hand on my shoulder and sincerely smiled. _Yes, that was a great day._

"You did very well today Ana, I knew you would be great." I was on his lap and he was stroking my hair. He took the bend off and brushed it with his fingers. I wanted to use the to cover myself, but he didn't let me.

"Thank you, Sir. I took your advice and it worked." I actually enjoyed the evening. I liked Joanne but felt rather unsure about his father. He was a bit intimidating, but I felt he was rather positive about me.

"Just try to let go more often. I saw a different side of you and I'd like to see it more often."

"I'm not sure I'm capable." I said honestly. I was trying to be what he wanted, but it was hard. I didn't want to risk losing anyone again or be vulnerable.

* * *

Christian's POV

I couldn't get stop thinking about Anastasia. I had her observed since she returned to Boston and I got reports on her. Her life was schematic: pool, work, home and weekend trips to her Dominant or other things engaging both of them. It was what shocked me most when I got more info about her. She was an active submissive and in a relationship. I immediately had her guy checked. He was financial specialist hired in Boston GEH. The man was working in my company, so pulling information on him was a piece of cake. I found out he was good at his job and there were no complaints about him. Conscientious, hard-working and well-organised. His last evaluation was positive, and I knew he wasn't just a regular guy. I knew they had a strong relationship outside. They were going out together and spent time on doing crazy stuff sometimes, but I noticed that in a few photos Ana had the same cold expression.

I terminated the contract with Ms Johnson next weekend after the party. I didn't want to see her anymore. It felt wrong. Up to that day, I had no problems with her, but I knew I had to do it. Somehow I couldn't get my head onto someone different because I kept going back to Anastasia. I couldn't change what happened, but I needed to contact her to check up if she was alright. The only thing that was stopping me was her words to leave her alone. I was sure she hated me, and I thought I understood why.

I told her she was nothing to me, and that was the biggest mistake I've made in years. When I was thinking about her, she was never nothing. Others couldn't compete with her on any level. She was special, and I threw her away. That couldn't be fixed by saying sorry.

I cut off from my family for over a month and didn't answer their calls, I needed a good plan to approach her. I couldn't scare her off. I only wanted to talk to her, that was the only thing I could do.

* * *

If you liked it, feedback appreciated ;)

Till next week

~M


	6. Looking for a clue

Hello, time for another chapter ;)

Thanks for support and enjoy

* * *

Chapter 6

Anastasia's POV

Last weeks were difficult. The more I spent time with Mick as friends, the frustration was increasing. I was moody and gloomy, and I was messing things up. Something in me didn't add up. I felt like something was out of order and didn't know how to fix the situation. At work, everything was ok, but my private life sucked. I was constantly waking up with nightmares and operated on huge doses of coffee. I didn't stick to my plans and I failed my to do lists more often. Mick was trying to help, but the more he tried, the worse I felt, because I knew he was trying everything he could do to support me. I felt terrible and barely resisted the urge to hurt myself for being worthless like recently.

"Maybe you should just let go, with everything. Just take a few days off and recharge your batteries." I heard Paula's advice. She was Josh's sub and I liked her a lot. I could talk to her like I couldn't to anyone else. I knew she understood me most. From time to time I was meeting up with her or Josh to just talk. They were my closest friends there, and Josh cared deeply about me. He wanted me to be happy. I thought about Paula's advice. I _was_ recharging my batteries every evening when I was coming home.

"It's not that simple. I would feel even worse if I let go with all my commitments during the workdays. It would feel wrong to me." I didn't know what was happening to me and I knew I needed some help, because again I felt very insecure and I was afraid that I'd fuck everything up.

"Did you talk to Mick?" I knew I should, but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. What would I say to him: _hey, I need you to push me more because I feel I need more pain?_ No. That wouldn't be good.

"No. I think I should work this out on my own. I shouldn't be feeling like this anymore. I thought I would feel better, but I feel like I'm stuck." I knew the answer before she opened her mouth.

"Look, you need to talk to him. He'll listen and maybe together you'll find a way to help you somehow. I'm sure Josh would tell you the same." Joshua would tell me that, as the first thing to do. "I'll come over if you need me to." I knew that she lived with Josh and that it would alarm him, and I didn't want to worry him unnecessarily. He's had enough problems with me and I didn't want to bother him. On the other hand, I knew he would tell me the same thing and she'd tell him anyway.

"No, I just needed to talk. I'll manage. Say hi to Josh." I hung up and decided to have a hot shower. I went to bathroom and brushed my hair, brushed my teeth and washed off my almost invisible make-up. I stepped in the stream of hot water and stood there despite the stinging feeling after last weekend's flogging all over my body. It felt like home, I knew that I had no right to hurt myself because I could do some serious harm. While I was washing myself, I looked carefully at all the scars I had. Most of them faded and were almost invisible, but other marks were too deep to completely fade. Not all scars faded with time. They might've looked better, but the damage was permanent. That was the same with me, I was in better shape, but I knew that some of my scars would never heal, and I never wanted them to. They were there for a reason. I needed to remind myself that I wasn't a pretty girl. I wasn't flawless. I deserved all the pain I got and even more for my naivety.

That was what I needed, not friendship, not dating, I needed to numb myself from feeling, to be able to keep going somehow and that was the only way I knew. I heard knocking and let Mick in.

He texted me in the morning to ask if I didn't mind him to come in the evening. I told him I'd be busy on translation but if he wanted he could.

"You told me you didn't want anything so only brought to myself" He pointed at his bag. I didn't have appetite. I made two teas and sat by my laptop. I took my time on making corrections and making sure I haven't made any critical errors. I hated that feeling when I was checking up several times one phrase to be sure. I needed trust myself more. I noticed Mick took the first Witcher book and started to read. I heard the game was very popular, but I always enjoyed reading more.

"Which story are you reading?" I asked him. Each of them was interesting but I liked most the one about Geralt and Yennefer.

"The one about Renfri and her seven companions." I smiled at that. I liked that story. It was about actions and consequences, that there was no such thing as greater and lesser evil.

"I remember that one. Although I read it only once." If I liked some story I could read it several times to carve it into my memory. I waited until he finished and joined him. "I couldn't focus anymore." I pouted and took the book off his hand.

"Did something happen you stopped by?"

"Just wanted to see you. I feel like you've been distant lately, and I was hoping to talk to you about it." I was relieved because I had a similar need.

"Not intentionally, but a lot of things are on my mind and I'm confused about how I feel." I knew I had his all attention and I was choosing words carefully. "I've had nightmares and been distracted. I'm not too well."

"Want to talk about it? I have time, I'll listen." I wasn't sure.

"Thanks. I talked to Paula recently." Before I said anything more.

"Josh texted me yesterday." So… he knew what was going on with me.

"So, there's no need to talk." I wanted to stand up, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him.

"I'd rather to talk to you. Josh told me you didn't feel like yourself and I'd like to know what's changed? You've been spending a lot of time at work and maybe you could use some time off." Paula offered the same, but I knew I couldn't just let go for a while, it wasn't my nature.

"I don't need time off. I just…" I wasn't sure how to put it. "I just feel like shit and I feel like I need more. For the past days I felt the urge of hurting myself and I was barely in control. I just need more to feel something. It's like I was becoming numb again." I looked at him and I knew he was processing what I said.

"When did you start to feel this way? Not so long ago, you seemed fine." At first, I thought it started when he invited me to meet his parents but when I delved into it, I understood that the need increased since I got back.

"Since I got back from Seattle." He shook his head and I wasn't sure what was happening in his head.

"I know that you never want to tell me this and I didn't push you much about it, but what are your nightmares about? _Him?_ " I nodded.

"It's actually one dream which repeats over and over. I was in pain, and I heard that I was always nothing and he was gone. Just like that… Later, he changed into you, but since I got back, I can't get him out of my head and all my memories return. I thought I was stronger and in reality, I feel weaker." I felt his arms around me and I didn't resist. I needed to finally tell someone about my biggest fear and I noticed that Mick cared, so I decided to take the risk and trust him with that.

"I'm just scared of being nothing again."

"I would never tell you that you're nothing Ana and I wouldn't leave you when you needed me. You know that, don't you?" I nodded again. "I'm not that man. For me, you're special and I see you as more than submissive…" that was the other point. I knew he wanted more than that, I wasn't sure if I did.

"I didn't want more and that's why I feel bad. I feel like the lines began to blur and I don't know what to do… I never expected, you to care more than necessary and I didn't want emotions to get in the way."

"Don't worry too much about it. Just let things flow and we'll see what to do next. If you didn't have feelings, you wouldn't be human. We all fall from time to time and I understand that you're constantly trying to punish yourself… But I'm not going to punish you for what happened to you. You can't hurt yourself no matter how hard it is for you. At least not forever. I know that you enjoy it; that that's what you want, but we both know that pleasure is one of the last things you've been looking for. It wasn't your fault and you can't constantly take the blame." I let that happen, I allowed him to hurt me. Of course, it was my fault. I deserved what I was getting.

"I don't think I'm best girlfriend material." He smirked at that.

"I have to disagree, you're a great person, and I'd like you to see it…" I didn't know what he saw in me. All I wanted was to feel something different than that emptiness… and pain was the most effective.

"I think I need help. I should go see someone, because I should be fine by now. I mean, I know I'm not a total mess, but I could use a psychologist. I have a friend in Seattle, but I need someone here as well." I felt Mick stroking my hair. I felt safe and I was sure it was a good step forward.

"That's the best conclusion, you could've made. You need help and I'm not going to leave you with this alone. About us, try not to rationalise too much. It's just you and me and it's up to both of us how it's going to work."

* * *

Finding help was my top priority, but I had to admit that talking to Mick was a breakthrough in our relationship. For the first time, sleeping wasn't that hard. I knew he was close to comfort me when I needed him. He came to me more often and tried to be up-to-date with my everyday life. I told him about my childhood, my Mom and her different husbands, my Dad Rey and happiest memories of my life. I understood that there were moments when I felt I was happy and I started to believe that in course of time I would get better and start over with new strength. It was fun as well to hear about Mick's adventures with his brothers. I didn't have siblings and I couldn't relate to my life, but it was fun to listen about that.

We were inviting Josh and Paula over to play games and talk about silly things. I felt better in their company because I knew that I didn't have to pretend that I'm always okay.

"I don't know where to start." I told doctor Harb on the first meeting. Before the visit I was in denial, I was trying to drill that I was fine and that it was totally unnecessary. I was close to cancelling the visit when I got a text from Mick with a reminder. He offered to drive me, but I knew it was mainly to make sure I went there. I told him I would text him after the visit.

The office was light and warm, and it seemed welcoming.

"Just pick one moment, or problem that bothers you right now and we'll talk about it" I took my time to consider what was really bothering me. I had many reasons why I needed help, but I was trying to find the key that linked them all together. When I started talking about my self-esteem crisis, the flow of words couldn't stop. I felt like I was finally doing something to close some chapter of my life in the past.

I found Mick waiting for me by the office and he smiled at me. We went to our Monday café and ordered dinner. I had rice with tomatoes and spinach sauce and my favourite tea. I was exhausted but somewhat relieved. Mick was watching me carefully but waited for me to make the first move.

"I'm exhausted and I'm not in the mood to talk about it, but I'm happy I'm with you now." I said in a tired voice. All I wanted was his hug and collar on my neck, but I had to wait for it for another week. Mick was too gentle with me recently, but I knew he was doing that for a reason. I knew he was stopping himself but didn't seem to mind. I wanted him to push me harder, but he insisted that he wouldn't until I felt better with myself. I trusted him again.

"Always, but you seem satisfied about the session." I nodded. I was. Long way was awaiting me, but I wasn't planning on giving up.

"I am. If it wasn't for you, I would've cancelled it." He closed his eyes, smiled and slowly shook his head.

"I knew it, but I'm glad you went there in the end. Do you have any plans for the evening?" I shook my head. We paid and left the café. The ride was short, and I immediately understood where we were going. "Unfortunately, Paula has parents' evening at school so there's only Josh, but I thought you could use some distraction." I didn't know what to say. It was very thoughtful of both of them. I knew Josh was always busy and that I had things to as well, but I was glad they wanted me to unwind.

"Finally back with old friend, huh?" I smiled and touched his shoulder to say hi. He was my first Dom but also first new friend and I had very strong connection with him which developed after we split up. Thanks to him I met Mick.

* * *

November 2014

 _It was too long.  
I was slowly thinking about finding another Dom after Blake, but I needed a bit longer break between entering another arrangement. I needed to clear my head and move on. _

_But there was something that was holding me back this time. I remembered the man I met at the caf_ _é_ _three weeks ago. He was nice, and I had his number, I was thinking about calling him, but I was afraid. I knew that one coffee wasn't wrong, but I shouldn't be doing things like that. I had other things to do with my life than calling man that couldn't be mine._

 _I thought about Mr Dawes and remembered how casually he approached me and that I truly enjoyed talking to him. It turned out we were coming there for the same dish and that we both hated loud people. That was all I knew, but I was intrigued about him. I was tempted to call but did everything in my power to stifle the thought._

 _I couldn't be thinking about him because I asked Joshua if he had any friend looking for a sub. We were set soon, and I didn't want to be absent-minded. I wouldn't fit into relationship._

" _Hey, I'll be shortly after seven" I called Josh and heard his voice._

" _Ok, he'll be after eight but that gives us time for tea." I loved that thought and terminated the call. I went to his apartment and was let in by Paula. She looked as if she was exhausted but the reason was clearly visible, she was checking students' tests and she wanted it done as soon as possible. Paula was teaching chemistry in high school and she loved her job, except for the grading system._

" _Josh, Ana's here!" I heard Josh coming to see me. He's been living with Paula only for a few months and felt good with her. They were clearly in love and it was sweet to see. I wasn't jealous of him, but genuinely happy. I loved him but in purely platonic friendly way. He was simply my friend and so was Paula. Josh made us tea and we sat on the floor of the living room. Paula disappeared in their bedroom with all the tests. We took big pillows and drank the tea._

" _I've been thinking about meeting you two for a while because I'd say you would really do well together. Four months ago, he ended a long-term relationship and he thought about finding someone different this time. I think if anyone is good for you for sure – it's him." I was a bit sceptical but decided on trusting Joshua. I knew he would never hook me up with someone he didn't trust. So, that made me relax a bit. Later, we decided to sit on couch as civilised people and that was when the doorbell rang. Josh followed to the door to open and I made sure I looked okay. I was dressed in a dark pencil skirt and white shirt, like normally to work._

 _When I saw the man, I was sure that he acknowledged my surprise, but his was also visible. That was the Dawes guy. I stood up and came to both men._

" _Mick, I'd like you to meet Anastasia Steele. Anastasia, this is Mick Dawes." Josh introduced me, and we shook hands._

" _We've met recently." He said to Joshua with a polite smile._

" _Hello Mr Dawes." I felt his look on me and looked at him directly in the eyes._

" _You're full of surprises Anastasia…"_

* * *

 _Liked it? Please review ;) share your thoughts about the story and enjoy your week ;)_

So happy Gary Oldman finally got an Oscar ;)

 _~Mila_


	7. Making a move

Hello,

Time for another chapter, special thanks to all who reviewed. It felt good and funny ;)

Enjoy the next chapter

* * *

Chapter 7

Christian's POV

"I haven't seen her for months again, but I feel the need to go to her and talk to her to check if she's okay." I was sitting in doctor Flynn's office and I was telling him about Anastasia. I've been mentioning her a lot lately and couldn't do nothing about it. I told him in detail how our relationship looked like and why I ended it.

"I know that you're close to leaving everything and hopping on the first plane to Boston, but you know you can't just pop up in her front door and ask her to talk to you. That would be wrong." I knew that, yet I was tempted to do as he said. I didn't like sitting and doing nothing. I had to act.

"I need to see her, and I have to make sure she's fine. I think it's my fault that she's in that condition. The way she looked at me. Fuck, she had to leave the room because she didn't want to be near me. I broke her." I showed him the pictures of her that I had, and he could also clearly see the difference.

"In my opinion it was hard for her as well. She hasn't seen you for three years. How did you expect her to greet you? She wasn't happy to see you after how badly you hurt her. Christian, I know you don't think too highly of yourself and that you have serious issues that accompany you since early childhood. But on Anastasia's example you saw that your actions have impact on others. However, you know well that Leila wasn't your fault." I was seeing him for five years or so, and he helped me a lot, but I wasn't sure if I could forgive myself for what happened to me in the past or if I could forgive my mother. I knew she was doing everything in her power to raise me, but she simply couldn't. She was a shitty mother not because she wanted. I knew it.

But the pain was still there, and I was still looking for a way of channelling my emotions, but the way I've known was wrong. I wasn't capable of loving anyone, and I knew I would ruin somebody's life if the person wanted to spend it with me. That was why I was keeping all the relationships at bay. I couldn't contaminate anyone with my twisted personality.

"I know Leila wasn't my fault. But Anastasia was. John, when I met her she was the most adorable and sweet person I'd known, and I'd changed her to fit into my life. That was wrong"

"I wouldn't worry about the sexual aspect as much as you. I know you did nothing she couldn't handle, and you took safety and consent seriously. If Anastasia didn't accept it, she would've told you." I nodded at that. Yes, that was correct. I cared about all subs' needs, but I felt like I still missed something. "It was the rejection that did the trick. She gave you more than she originally planned, and she felt like you slammed it right into her face. _That,_ was wrong." I've figured that out a while ago, but that let me put things in a different light.

I've always felt like nothing and wanted to prove myself and everybody else around me that I was worth something, that was the original motivator why I started working harder, except for some _extraordinary training_ I got. Now it wasn't like that, but I remembered how I felt whenever my father was saying that he was disappointed at me, even if I was giving all the effort I could.

"I understand. I miss her John. Like, truly miss her. I compared every other sub to her and tried finding someone who'd be as special as she was, but I couldn't."

"I know you do, but you mustn't rush things. I need you to really consider why you miss her so much and what do you expect from her and from yourself." I knew I wanted her back in my life, I wanted to get to know her, go out, try dating again maybe _something more…_ oh, that was rather an odd thought, but I couldn't erase it.

"She was different." I knew he was asking me to explain. "She was innocent, and she was very patient and so eager to learn. I _loved_ spending time with her." I almost managed to smile. It was truly a happy time, as she once texted me.

"Not only the time was special, she was special to you although you didn't want to admit it." Then the realisation hit me and made me feel even more guilty.

"She loved me, and I destroyed her." And I knew that her hatred was nothing comparing to what I felt toward myself at the moment.

* * *

Anastasia's POV

My schedule was full, work, doctor and I had no time for myself. We had a large collaborative project and had to be both terminologist and translator because one person was ill and that sucked, because I had twice much to do than others. I argued with one of my colleagues after she declined to take over at least some of the responsibilities. She owed me a lot this time, because I was glad I wasn't the Project manager this time.

I talked to Doctor Harb and every time I felt the office, I was crying. I had no idea I had so many emotions bottled up in me. I was afraid of setting them free. It had to be done gradually and I knew that those sessions were helpful. Mick was also buried with work. Our weekend was like: Side by side working and from time to time breaks to eat something. There was a hard time at Mick's work because the executives were coming from Seattle and Boston wanted to make better impression in their performance.

For me that meant one thing, Grey was in Boston and I didn't like that thought. Luckily chances of meeting him were minimal and only thanks to that, I was able to sleep.

I felt lonely and I knew that in reality I wasn't alone. There were many people around me and I knew they cared like Mick, Joshua, Paula, Kate… They were all there if I needed them. I knew I could call them and that they'd support me. But I was afraid of relationships. I was afraid of being hurt and was rather reluctant to being more open in communication with them. I didn't want them to think I was weak. Doctor told me that I needed to try talking to them more, even some chit-chat from time to time was welcome. I needed to feel comfortable but with the ongoing project, period and mood swings it wasn't possible. Just kill me now…

"Anastasia, I know you're stressed. We both are, but it'll be over soon and then we'll take some time just for ourselves." I was appreciating his support because I knew he was also having a bad time and despite that, he was still comforting me.

"Can't wait to that." I leaned to kiss him and returned to work.

* * *

It took longer than expected to be done over with everything we had to do. The project needed more check-ups and that was why it was delayed. I hated when things didn't add up and had to improvise to get going, but that was the risk I took by choosing that profession. I would never switch it to anything else.

Mick could also sigh in relief because everything was okay, and they could go back to their usual routine. We spent our time for ourselves a bit different than we originally planned. We just slept, no sex at all, just cuddling. I thought that we'd spend a nice Sunday when on Saturday afternoon I answered a call from Kate.

"Do you have any plans for Sunday?" Before I could answer I heard the rest. "Because Elliot and I are in Boston now. We'll be here for three days only because Elliot wants to go back with Christian, but I thought that you might want to hang out with us… please say you have time… and this time it's my type of party" And that was all that was left of a quiet weekend. Fuck, they should've told me earlier they were coming.

"Kate you know it's rather late for that sort of call. You should've text me earlier or something." I wasn't mad at her, just the situation was a bit awkward.

"I know, sorry Ana but it was Elliot's idea." I looked at Mick and told Kate to be quiet for a sec.

"My friends from Seattle are in town and they want to hang out. Are you interested in joining us?" I asked with hope. "It's Kate and Elliot and knowing Kate it won't be quiet day" I saw he was thinking about it intensively.

"Absolutely. Can't wait to it" I heard a bit of irony in his voice, but I knew it was for the same reason as me. We were both really tired, but it was cool he wanted to meet my friends.

"Coffee, chat and movie?" I asked Kate with hope. Clubbing was out of the question. I had to go to work in the morning.

"How about Black Stories? We haven't played for a while…" That was okay. I had it in my apartment.

"Even better. We're ordering something, or you want me to cook something?" I knew it was a tricky question because Kate would never refuse somebody cooking for her.

"No need Ana, we'll order something. I'm sorry for not calling earlier." I told her I was fine, and we set they'd come at one. I moved back to Mick and lay my head on his chest. I was more tired than I expected to be.

* * *

We were sitting on the floor and played the Black Stories. It was fun to see Kate and Elliot enjoying themselves.

"Where's Ava?" I asked them. I knew they had plenty of willing babysitters to choose from like for example Mia or Kate's mom.

"She's with my parents." I heard Elliot's response." You have to visit us again. You're like family to us." Kate nodded at that. It was a really nice thing to hear. The other great thing was that they weren't too loud. It seemed like they also needed a break and valued their time off.

"I'll be there in a few months, for now I'm not leaving anywhere." I smiled at Mick and he got the message. All I wanted was to live in peace for a second.

"I get it, but thanks anyway for inviting us, and for changing your plans because of us." Kate came closer to mess my hair. Elliot took out another story and started to read it.

"I'm not taking part in this one, I know the solution." Mick and Kate were guessing, and I had few moments to think a bit. I saw Mick interacting with my friends and he seemed at ease with them. He immediately hit it off with Elliot, but not really with Kate. Still, he was polite and in a good mood. It reminded me of Grey a bit, but Christian's reluctance was more obvious and annoying.

"Ana it's your turn." Elliot passed me the card and I read the story.

"Father couldn't resist his children and that was the reason why they died." I read it out loud and waited for them to guess. The story wasn't too complicated, and Kate solved it in no time. Mick asked only one question and Elliot two, three, but no more. We spent the day on playing, chatting and eating pizza. It wasn't my usual Sunday, but that change was nice, although I didn't feel too well after pizza.

"It was nice finally meeting you." Mick said to them when they were leaving, and I knew he was being honest about it.

"Yep, at least you knew about us, Ana told me about you not so long ago…but anyway I'm happy she's finally found someone" I wanted to punch Kate, but I stopped myself. It wasn't the right thing to say.

"I love you too Katie."

* * *

Christian's POV

I've been in Boston for over a week and still haven't contacted Anastasia. I was busy with work which was obviously an excuse to come here. But when I saw the chance of seeing her, I chickened. To my surprise Elliot and Kate decided to have some time for themselves and they came here as well. They left their kid with my parents and took time to enjoy life far from home. It surprised me when Elliot told me that they were glad that Ana hadn't made any plans and they could go and see her. Seriously? I knew I would be mad if someone wanted to meet me unannounced. Luckily it didn't happen too often. They were at Ana's and I was on my own thinking whether I should contact her or no. I wanted to make sure she was alright and to talk to her like two civilised people. I thought we could do that. I mean, I hoped she would answer the phone if I called her, but I remembered she was more straightforward in writing, so I decided to contact her via e-mail.

Elliot and Kate returned quite early, but it was understandable, Ana had work in the morning and couldn't stay up all night with her friends. Kate disappeared quickly from my sight. Our relationship has improved over the years, but it was far from being friends. I respected her, but that was top of my ability in case of Mrs. Kavanagh-Grey.

"How was your day?" I asked Elliot. I told them I was planning on working, so he thought probably that mine was probably the most tedious possible Sunday. It wasn't that bad. I was actually unsettled because I couldn't stop thinking about Anastasia and thinking of convenient way of approaching her.

"Great, Kate was disappointed that Ana didn't want to go out, but honestly for me that was better. We could actually relax and that was our original plan. We played the Black Stories and later we tried DiXit but I sucked at it. Ordered a pizza and that was it." It sounded nice and so much like Anastasia. Maybe she hadn't changed as much as I expected. Maybe some part of her was intact.

"Sounds like fun. Is Ana feeling better than the last time?" Everyone noticed that something was odd about her, so my question didn't surprise my brother much.

"Yeah and we've met her boyfriend. I had no idea she was seeing anyone, Kate found out a few weeks ago and it turned out they've been together for more than half a year. Could you imagine lying to your family and friends for so long? I almost couldn't believe it." His words couldn't be more precise. I didn't have to imagine lying. I've been doing that for years and I knew it was wrong. Hell, the things he knew about me and Anastasia were only the tip of the iceberg and it lasted for more than a year.

"Maybe she had a good reason. Not everything is as it seems…" I said in resigned voice. I knew what I was doing was wrong and just couldn't stop it.

"Maybe, I don't know her that well, but I know one thing for sure: something really bad must've happened." I nodded unable to comment on this.

* * *

It was now or never. I was leaving to Seattle the day after tomorrow and I had to take the risk. It was around eight in the evening and I knew she was at home by that time. I took out my phone and dialled her number. After a third signal I heard her voice.

"Hello?" For a moment I was lost of words, everything I wanted to say suddenly disappeared.

"Anastasia? Hello, can we talk for a moment?" My voice was different than I planned. I've never been so hesitant and frightened in last several years. I heard a pause on the other side and I wasn't sure what that meant.

"Mr Grey… Hello… Didn't think you'd ever call. Wasn't my message clear enough? I told you to leave me alone. It wasn't much to ask." I heard how much effort she put into controlling her tone. I knew it wasn't easy for her to talk to me, but I felt just like her at the time.

"Anastasia, please… I just want to talk to you…" It was hard to acknowledge that I was begging her. I realised how idiotic it was and focused on my aim.

"Okay, do we have any reason to talk?" On the phone it was nothing. I needed to see her.

"Actually, I was thinking about a coffee tomorrow if you don't mind. As you know I'm in Boston right now and I'll be leaving soon." There was another pause. I knew she was hesitating, but she didn't terminate the call, so there was still some hope.

"Okay, you can have thirty minutes. I'll text you the details." It was the best possible answer I could get.

"Thank you for giving me a chance." I didn't have to see her to know she was rolling her eyes.

"Don't get your hopes up Grey, it's just a short talk, but it's still more than you deserve from me" and then the call ended.

* * *

 _Liked it? Have any thoughts? Let me know in Review section ;) looking forward to hear from you again._

 _Can't wait till the next update_

 _~Mila_


	8. 30 minutes

Hello,

Time for another chapter. Thank you for all kind words, they mean a lot to me ;)

Next chapter will be posted on Thursday

Have a good time ;)

~Mila

* * *

Chapter 8

Anastasia's POV

I couldn't wake from shock. When I answered the phone, he was the last person who came to my mind and I didn't have his number, so I just picked up. I couldn't believe why I acted that way, but I knew I was careful and that I wouldn't let him hurt me. Actually, there were some things I wanted to say to him. When I was seeing my doctor, I understood that I needed some way to live with him because I couldn't cut him off my life for good. There would be another encounter and I couldn't avoid him forever.

I gave him only thirty minutes. It was way more than he deserved but I knew we needed direct speech to communicate on whatever he wanted. Honestly, I was grateful that he called me, than rather popping up by the office. He didn't invade the professional life.

Right after his call, I notified Mick about the call and its effect. He wasn't happy about him, but I told him it was between me and that man and I needed to sort it out. I made sure I looked good to have some sort of shield. I entered the restaurant and found him waiting for me. _Typical..._

"Thank you for agreeing to see me." He greeted me and I felt uncomfortable, but I knew it wouldn't last long. I took my sit and observed him carefully. He was dressed in a suit, but he took off his tie. His hair was a bit messy but not too much, but his expression was the biggest puzzles of all.

"As I said I only have thirty minutes." I ordered coffee and looked at him to say whatever he wanted to say.

"Since when are you drinking coffee?" He remembered that detail about me.

"How do you think?" I focused on him and said. "You wanted to see me, why's that?"

"I wanted to check up if you're okay. You didn't seem like yourself when I last saw you." I smirked at that remark. How dared he? He didn't give a damn about me all the time we were involved and now he woke up? It didn't add up.

"Maybe you just don't know me enough to say that." I said with increasing irritation.

"Probably yes. I needed to see you Anastasia… because I owe you an apology…" I couldn't hide the shock, despite the fact that I really tried. It was the last thing I expected to see in my entire life, Christian Grey _apologising._ It couldn't be for real.

"What?" I just couldn't resist. I was glad I was sitting because my legs suddenly felt weak.

"I came to apologise, for what I said to you that day, and for leaving you. I know it was my fault and you didn't deserve to be treated that way. You were never nothing to me… _Ana_ …" He never called me that and only one look in his eyes told me that he meant it, that he truly regretted, but I didn't know how to act. It was what I was looking for the whole time: a confirmation that I wasn't just a thing. I dreamt of hearing this, but now I was lost. I didn't know how to respond. When he tried touching my hand I pushed him away. I had to. The control I had was gone and I couldn't hide how appalled I was with him and myself.

"Then what was I?" I hissed.

"Not, what, who? You were special, and I didn't see it. I knew I you trusted me and first, I broke your trust. Second, I threw your feelings for me right into your face. I know I fucked this up, believe me I do, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry for harming you." I wasn't thinking clearly. My memory went back to that cold voice saying I was nothing. I just couldn't stop it. Why did he return to my life in a moment when I was going back to normal, when I was slowly beginning to find my way? Life couldn't be too easy.

"Yes, you fucked up, and I fucked up by coming here today. You should've let me be."

"No, I had to see you. I thought that by leaving you, I would save you from me, but apparently, I was wrong, and the damage was greater than I first assumed. You're not fine Anastasia and I see it's because of what I'd done."

"I'm like this because I was stupid and naïve, but not anymore, thanks to you. When I agreed to see you, I was thinking of everything I wanted to tell you but most of it is gone. All I want you to know is that I truly loved you, and you treated my feelings like nothing. I wish you no harm, and I know that we're going to see each other on family events… You have to live with that. You can't control who am I talking to in order to make sure I won't slip anything. If you think you know me, then you can be sure I'd never do that to anyone. I know our paths will cross many times." I saw he was listening carefully to what I was saying. It wasn't easy for me, but I had to remain rational.

"I miss you." When I heard it, I had to ask him to repeat because I was sure I misheard him. His tone was almost as if he was begging, but I knew I had to be stronger. I couldn't let him ruin everything I've built for three years.

"Funny to hear it now. Look, your time's up Mr Grey" I glanced at my watch and realised it was almost an hour. I needed to go home and clear my head of that man.

"It was good to see you. If you'd like to talk, just call me. Please." I nodded and stood up.

"Are you happy Anastasia?" I wasn't completely sure, but I knew it wasn't that bad.

"As much as I deserve to be. Goodbye Mr. Grey" and I left the restaurant.

* * *

Christian's POV

The conversation went better than I assumed. I returned home and felt like it was productive time. Not because of work, but because I reached out to Anastasia. I knew I had no right to come back to her life after such a long break, but I had to apologise her. I needed that. The way I acted was wrong and I had to at least partly make it right. It was hard to look at how hurt she was and know it was because of me.

John didn't approve my trip to Boston, still… He immediately understood why I went there. I told him I wouldn't do anything she might not want. I told him as much as I remembered from our conversation.

"It was hard to both of you, but from what you've told me about her, I'm not surprised that she agreed to see you. She needed that too. How are you feeling now?" I didn't know exactly. I was conflicted. I missed her, but I promised to keep my distance.

"Don't know. I feel like I didn't tell her everything I wanted and honestly… I felt like shit by seeing her like that. She hates me, and I know she's right." I saw the sad expression on John's face.

"It is hard, but in time you'll feel better and Ana's reaction was probably that intense because probably she still has some feelings for you and they make her angry because she doesn't want them."

"She told me she'd loved me that's why it affected her so badly. I never meant to hurt her like this."

"You did what you could. You can't expect her to forgive you overnight."

"I know" I also knew that I probably lost my chance.

* * *

Mick's POV

I came to her right after I got the message. She texted me she was seeing her ex and I was furious about it, but there was nothing I could do to stop her. I was just worried that she'd get hurt again.

Anastasia was a mystery to me and I felt like I barely knew her. She was reserved and withdrew a bit. When I met her for the second time at Josh's I was just as shocked as she was. Josh told me about her but that didn't cover with the image of Anastasia I had on my mind. She seemed overworked but firm and confident, I would never assume she might be a sub. The conversation we had at that café was really nice. We've come a long way since I met her. She started to trust me, and I saw the evolution of her behaviour. At first, all she wanted was domination and pain and I could give it to her and for months it worked just fine, but it wasn't enough for me. She didn't allow me to get too close to her, she was always pushing me away from her personal life. But she finally started to open up and I was beyond delight when she let her guard down. At least until she saw that man in Seattle. I didn't know what happened between them, the only thing I knew was that he threw her away when she said she'd fallen in love with him and he told her she was worthless. That explained a lot of her actions and behaviour. She wasn't into compliments and she wasn't showing too much of emotion. When I heard that about that, something broke in me and I saw that she was being with me mostly to punish herself and I couldn't do it. Not because I was incapable, but I knew that wasn't right in her case. I didn't see her genuinely smile too often and I was doing everything to change that. I knocked her door and she let me in. I wasn't sure what would I find there. After she returned from Seattle, she was out of control and lost. That day she was different, and I wasn't sure if she was fine.

"I made chocolate" She gave me a mug and kissed me on the cheek. I was confused but didn't comment on that. I was waiting until she was ready to talk to me. It was the best way to handle her, give her time to think. "I'm glad you came. I wasn't sure if I should be on my own today, but surprisingly I'm… fine." She was saying that as if she thought she wouldn't be. She came to me and hugged me. It was another big accomplishment we made, she started to accept comforting touch and started to look for it.

"That's good, right? So, what were you talking about? And one more thing, what was he doing in Boston?" I didn't want to interrogate her, but I wanted to know a bit. It didn't seem like a coincidence that Kate and Elliot came and suddenly her ex contacted her. I had to find out more about Ana's past.

"He's been here for some time. I was actually almost certain he wouldn't contact me. He wanted to apologise for everything…" I didn't like the sound of it, but Ana's reaction was even weirder.

"And did you forgive him?" I needed her answer to that. If yes, that meant she still loved him, even after breaking her and that would be message to me that I shouldn't be in her life. Ana was taking time to answer but I felt she was relaxed and calm.

"I don't know. In some way I did, but not totally. It's not like saying sorry can erase the past and make things right. On the other hand, it was what I wanted even if I didn't realise that. Do you know what I mean?" She turned to look at me. I saw she was concerned but she wasn't devastated. I would rather say she was at peace and that was a good sign.

"I think I do. You needed him to admit he fucked up, but you know it wasn't your fault." She nodded and returned to hugging me.

"He changed me, and I finally stopped seeing these changes as a bad thing. I mean, he introduced me to this and I wanted it. That wasn't a mistake. I knew there was always a submissive part in me. I didn't plan on falling in love with him. That was a mistake and I paid the price. Sometimes I'm wondering what did you see in me that made you fall for me?" I sighed in defeat. I was trying not to show too much emotion because I didn't want to scare her off. But she wasn't blind. She knew I cared more and I told her on many occasions I saw her as more than submissive. Hell, I even said it on several occasions taking the risk she might cut me off her life for good. I cared about her as my friend as well and I wanted to make this work on a higher level.

"You're special, kind, sensitive. No matter how badly you're trying to hide it, you are good and a valuable person." I kissed her neck and put my head on her arm.

"I know you're mad that I went to see him but that was what I needed."

"I know little one. I was only worried about you." I murmured quietly.

"Yeah, I get it. Relax, I feel somewhat relieved now. Besides, it's not like I can exclude him of my life. We have too much in common." It was something that upset me, but it wasn't the best time to delve into it. I needed to know more about the man. Ana stood up for a second to wash up our mugs and I followed her.

For a few minutes she was busy, and I couldn't see her face, but when she finally looked at me I saw something for the first time. A spark that was never there… and a delicate shy smile and I was absolutely confused. She was close to me and I felt her warmth.

"I was wondering what it was like without pain."

* * *

 _Liked it? Please be generous in your reviews? Have any questions? Go ahead ;) Can't wait to hear from you again_

 _~Mila xo_


	9. Feel Again

_Hello,_  
 _as announced I'm posting chapter 9._  
 _Thank you for all the support with the story. I saw there were over **8k hits and 40 reviews**. **Thanks a lot for that. :)** _  
_Next chapter will be Posted probably on MONDAY (Sunday if I'll have access to the Internet),_  
 _Enjoy the chapter and share your opinion willingly :) love reading them all_  
 _~Mila_

* * *

Chapter 9

Christian's POV

I returned to Seattle and I wasn't sure if I did the right thing by seeing Anastasia. I felt better afterwards, except for the nightmares I suffered from. I couldn't stop dreaming of Ana, but she was always cold and distant in those dreams. I knew I fucked up, and I wasn't sure if she was ever going to call me. I doubted that. She didn't seem happy to see me. Plus, Elliot told me she seemed okay with her _boyfriend._ I knew she would find someone, she was an extraordinary person and she drew men's attention all the time, but I didn't expect her to stay in the lifestyle. That Dawes guy had a clean record and seemed to be an interesting person. I felt jealous. He could meet her, spend time and get close. I never did that. He knew her better than me.

"Long time no see Christian." I was greeted kindly by Elena. To be honest, I haven't seen her for about two months. I was focused on working and my Boston trip. I wasn't in a mood to talk, but she was nagging me for a while now, so I let go.

"I've been busy, but glad to be home." I managed to smile gently. I knew why she was here, and that didn't help. First, we talked about business, but other subjects came up.

"Grace mentioned you weren't acting like yourself. I was worried that it was maybe because you terminated latest contract? I thought you seemed fine with her?" I honestly barely recalled her name. She was okay, but nothing special.

"No, Elena… I don't need a sub right now. I just have a harder time at work and need to be focused and… I was thinking about seeing someone." Her eyes narrowed like she didn't like what I'd just said.

"You're still seeing that Brit, aren't you?" In her opinion, John was just a waste of time and money. I disagreed with her on this on every occasion. He helped me a lot and he was worth the price I paid.

"Yes, I am, and that Brit is a really great specialist, so stop annoying me. I kind of went to Boston to talk to someone I'm interested in." I saw the shock on her face when understanding hit home.

"Oh... You didn't mention meeting anyone recently. Potential sub?" I shook my head. Far from it! I've known Anastasia for years. It wasn't that simple, and I would never want her to sub for me again.

"I've known her for years and finally had a few minutes to talk to her, using the occasion that I've been to Boston." I hid the fact, that seeing her was actually the main objective. I wasn't bothered by the control. I knew everything would be just fine. I noticed all the effort, and I appreciated it.

"That surprised me, if I'm being frank Christian, you know that I do care about you, but you should know better than to involve some unadjusted women into your life. You have your needs and look how distracted you are lately." I was in total control, but her words were absolutely irritating.

"I'm distracted anyway, and before you say anything else, I'm not interested in anyone new. I just need some time on my own." I had to reflect on my actions rather than jumping onto another woman. I could use that time to have some bonding time with my family. I knew Mom would be ecstatic.

"I see, but don't be a stranger. I missed you." I rolled my eyes and forced smile.

"I'll try though can't promise you anything."

I learnt to appreciate the time I spent with my family. Mom's delight couldn't be ruined by anything or anyone. She was insisting on more family activities during the weekends and I took her out for lunch once a week. We talked about work and I started to feel more comfortable with my Mother. She was the best person I've ever met, and she saved me when I was still a baby. I owed her everything I had. In Flynn's opinion it was a good move and I felt its positive effects. I've always known that they were great people but never gave them a chance to be close. Especially my parents because I couldn't escape from Mia.

* * *

Anastasia's POV

September 2015

Weeks passed by and I could finally push Grey on side tracks. I was thinking about him a lot, at he became one of the most often topics during my sessions. I remembered as much as I could of this relationship and I knew it wasn't all for nothing. Everything happens for a reason, also these bad things and nightmares of the past. As always, I spent my birthday in Savannah with my Mom and Bob, but after I returned I spent time with Mick and his family and I got to see a different side of Mick. I knew how much he cared and how close he was with his family. I saw him joking with his Dad and brothers. They were all close. I was observing them from behind. I didn't want to be an intruder and I wanted to know more about him. I wasn't too sociable and preferred to listen rather than talk.

I knew I was changing and I couldn't escape. Ever since the meeting I felt more at ease with myself. Mick saw the difference in me too. I knew he was a good person. He was nothing but patient with me He always respected my space and seemed to understand my reactions better than I did. I was doing everything to open-up, he deserved it. I felt relieved I was learning to accept Mick as my boyfriend. He was really kind to me and I was learning to be myself around him. It was like waking up from a long and exhausting dream.  
Doctor Harb was listening to me carefully.

"I'm happy to hear good news. How do you feel about yourself? Do you like yourself Ana?" I had to think it thoroughly to give an honest answer.

"It wouldn't be honest if I said, 'I do'. Look Doctor, I'm afraid of the future and I don't trust myself. I have to say that without Mick keeping me in line, I would be a total mess." Doctor nodded. I needed Mick to control me because that was when I knew I was safe and protected. He would ever do anything to deliberately hurt me but that meant rules I had to follow. That was right for me. Besides, I liked him in charge."

"It's hard for you to separate your nature from other aspects of life…" I didn't like the sound of it and that wasn't true. It wasn't like I was incapable of dealing with my life.

"It's not like I can't live on my own. I'm independent and competent at work, I have a life."

"I was thinking more about personal than professional life. You badly need that control. Didn't you notice that because your first Dom rejected you, you took after him some behaviours?" I gaped at him unable to say a word. He was right. I was closing myself from anything involving feeling out of fear. I was distant and reluctant to relationships and withdrawn from social life.

"When you put it that way… Yes… I was trying to replace what I had with him and what I've known."

"Exactly that's what I meant. I'm trying to make you see things differently. Your relationship with Mick is really helping you, he's trying to give you as much of affection as he can. In my opinion, he really cares for you." Whenever I thought about Mick I saw his smile and remembered his arms around me. I felt so small but still safe and comfortable. I thought about all the times he was taking care of me and that he was giving me even more of himself than I have ever given to him.

"I never believed it was possible, but it's actually great."

"Don't rush things, be patient, give some time and you'll be better eventually. Maybe, in some time you'll forgive your ex for what happened, only to truly move on." He was being reasonable whenever he was talking about my first… arrangement. I had to move on from that dark place I was hiding in for so long.

"He said he wanted to protect me from himself and that he regretted hurting me. I wanted to hear it Doc. I missed him for over three years, but I can't erase these cruel words. He was so cold." I wanted to believe he was truthful.

"Maybe there's more to the story. He never let you become close to him. Time will tell, as always."

* * *

Mick was waiting for me and I told him about the visit. I was grateful for his support. We did shopping and went to his house. I started to spend there more time and I didn't mind it. We were going to spend evening on working. He was teaching me to be less serious especially when I had his collar on. I felt like a friend and a beloved pet. I didn't want it to end. We were joking a lot and spending time with Josh and Paula. I was slowly letting go of my tense attitude.

He put the collar on and I leaned to kiss him. His touch seemed different or maybe it was about my perception.

"I didn't actually ask you if you're staying." He said in a low voice. I surely wasn't going anywhere at that time. I looked down but smiled with joy.

"Looks like you've already decided. Not that I was thinking of going home." I said quietly but it was obvious I was in a good mood.

"I'll have some work to do little one. Dinner first, shower second, and later I'll be working for an hour or so, okay?" I nodded because I approved. I also needed to revise my latest translations and I could use a while to do that in peace. We made a broccoli soup because I didn't want any meat and it was easy. We ate together and washed up the dishes. I was going upstairs to take a shower, but he stopped me.

"Wait for me a sec." I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I let my hair loose and waited for him to join me. I came closer and he took my clothes off. I didn't mind being naked when I was with him. He's seen me more times than I could ever count. Being vulnerable didn't seem that bad when he was with me. I liked the way he was touching me. As always, my body responded to him out of my control. He was washing me with care and calmness. I liked when he was rubbing me, washing and kissing my neck, forehead and lips. I was pressed to the wall and I felt he wanted to take me and I knew I wasn't going to resist. He was slow, and patient and it was different than I was normally used to. I felt the tension building up as he was inside me, but I couldn't let go yet. I enjoyed having him like this and I wanted it to last. I was glad he was holding me because I was exhausted after I came. He took care of me and gave me my loose pyjamas and dried me. I knew it was still early and I shouldn't be going to sleep yet. We went back to the living room and took our laptops out. I put my headphones on and focused on translation. Mick was also busy and that was how we spent two hours despite planning too.

I finally closed my laptop and put my head on his lap, waiting for him to stroke my hair.

"I had a good day thanks to you."

"Same here." We heard the doorbell and I instantly stood up. Mick grabbed me just in time to stop me from falling. "Are you expecting someone?" I asked cautiously, but I knew he was also surprised. But after a second he muttered 'Dad' He went to open the door and I saw Mick's Dad entering the house.

"Anastasia! How are you?" He greeted me friendly. Mick was right, he was a nice man after giving him a chance. I shook his hand and Mick hugged him. It reminded me of Ray a bit, the only father I've ever known.

"Hey Mr. Dawes. Great to see you again." I liked talking to him because he was very intelligent and observant. Whenever I forgot the topic, he was always kind enough to remind me.

"Already in pyjamas? It isn't even eight yet?" I laughed hard at that. At university it seemed impossible to go to sleep before midnight, but nowadays I couldn't stay up late. Taking into account how crazy that day was, I was glad that I was still standing.

"Rough day and laziness now. Tea?"

"No thank you. I came only for a sec." I took my laptop and papers from the table to make more space. It wasn't his first visit, but Mick didn't seem to mind. He was almost always alone during the week, so it was safe to assume he'd be alone this time as well.

"Sorry for not calling but I was sure we talked during the weekend that I'll come over." Mick nodded. So, it wasn't unexpected. It was just Mick who forgot.

"No problem Dad. Ana and I have been working almost since we got back, so that's a nice change." I nodded in confirmation despite being tired.

"I'll take what you prepared for me and I'm gone." I took my laptop upstairs to give them space to talk. I had to revise my latest translation anyway, and I could use some quiet space. It wasn't long when I heard their conversation though it was hard because they were really quiet.

"Mick, I know that you're busy, and have a lot of work…Could you please be more focused?" I found trace amount of irritation from him.

"You know that it rarely happens, but sorry… I totally forgot. Ana and I have been having a tough day and I barely remember my name." I was really trying to work but I couldn't stop eavesdropping.

"I'm sorry to hear it, you can come over on Saturday or Sunday if you like. Your Mom adores your Anastasia. She's a really interesting person and a sub, but I don't want to hear any details from your life." I was full of contradictory emotions. I liked to hear it, because I felt similar about Joanne. She was calm and caring and was open to everyone. No one could ever dislike her. On the other hand, I was shocked he knew. I suddenly felt a bit embarrassed, but I focused back on my work until Mick called me downstairs. I was more awake than an hour ago.

"Bye Mr. Dawes." When he left I turned to hug Mick.

"They have another anniversary and I promised I would help him and I forgot." I felt sorry about it. He had a lot on his plate and I wasn't making anything easier for him. All I gave him were problems.

"Your parents are great. I'm happy I met them." I was totally honest about that. I didn't regret that at all. I remembered my original fear, but it was unwarranted.

"Look at me Ana." I obeyed and saw he was satisfied. I liked that he didn't hide his emotions all the time and I didn't have to guess his mood. "The feeling is mutual. You know, I asked you something during your birthday dinner. We spend more and more time together, and I was thinking how do you feel about moving in with me?" During the party I didn't answer at all, but I knew it was coming to that eventually. We were spending much more time with each other and I felt more and more at ease, but I knew I wasn't ready to live with anyone.

"For me it's too early, but I'm getting there." It was an honest answer. I was doing better every day. I turned twenty-six. I spent that time. "Your father knows." I stated indicating on my collar.

"Yes, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Don't worry about him. Both of my parents love you, and even if they didn't, I wouldn't care. You, as a whole, are the best that's happened to me." It was odd that he had no problems. I would never say anything to anyone. It was always some sort of secret even from friends and family, with emphasis on family.

"You're cute, you know?" He pouted and made a sad face.

"Don't you ever call me cute. I'm too soft on you." I knew he wasn't serious, so I shrugged.

"And I'm starting to take an advantage of that." He took me to the bedroom and made sure I was okay to go to sleep. He set my alarm and put my laptop into the bag.

"I love you Ana." I felt like I became whole again.

* * *

 ** _Liked it? Try to be generous :P and let me know your thoughts in reviews or PMs :) They mean a lot :)_**  
 ** _Till next update_**  
 ** _~M_**


	10. Can't hide forever

Hello,

Time for another chapter. I had access to the Internet. So I could post it earlier. Next chapter will be posted on Thursday.

Some interesting things are happening in this chapter.

Thanks for all the feedback I got ;) I appreciate it and as always I encourage you to write your thoughts in review section or in PM.

Enjoy the chapter.

~Mila

* * *

Chapter 10

CPOV

I didn't understand why I couldn't go back to my previous dull life. Everything was much simpler. Now, I wasn't sure. I did everything I could and all I could do was wait that she might call me. I knew I had to respect her space. I was glad that I had my family because they didn't let me be alone for too long, despite not knowing the reason of my out of character behaviour. I knew I had to trust someone because it was eating me alive. I invited Elliot over for pool and beer. I knew he liked all the possibilities of being alone. He stopped partying since he became a father, but from time to time he liked going out with me. Kate also needed time to rest on her own. I knew I simply had to confide in my brother. He was my brother after all, he wouldn't keep things from me. He would honestly tell me if I had any chance with Anastasia. But then I thought about myself. I kept secrets from everyone.

"Christian, you never let me win that easily. It's no fun." He pulled me back to reality. I lost twice in a row. It doesn't happen too often. I was too lost in thoughts.

"I didn't pay attention Lelliot. Too many things on my mind lately." I saw that he wasn't especially worried by that statement. Not that he was indifferent, but it was my most popular excuse.

"Not, pushing. Look, if you want spend evening alone, I'm fine with that." He reassured me. On the one hand it was tempting, on the other hand I needed him.

"I wanted to talk to you, about… _a woman_." The look he gave me was priceless. He was gaping at me with wide open eyes and I partly had to struggle to stifle laugh.

"Wow wow wow… I didn't see that coming little bro… I'm all yours." He opened a beer and passed it to me. I could use something stronger, but I wanted to be conscious. I waited for God knows how long before I could finally say something.

"How did you feel when you understood you totally fucked up?" He didn't expect that question, but he didn't hesitate to answer me.

"Like I fucked up. It was terrible, but there were many occasions when I was a total arse." I knew that. I remembered that he fucked half of Seattle at least. Good that he finally met that bitch Kavanagh. _Kate…_ Her name was Kate. I knew I didn't get on with her, but had a great deal of respect, so I couldn't think about her in that way. "What did you do? Knocked up?" I shook my head, but I did something almost as bad as that.

"Similar level. I'd been with a girl for several months and I left her just like that, right after she said she loved me" Elliot's eyes opened wider, and I didn't it was possible.

"Ouch. That's bad. Why did you do that? Wasn't she okay? Or maybe a gold digger?"

"Far from it. She couldn't care less about the money. She was absolutely the best person I've met, and I let her down." Elliot was processing information slowly.

"How long did it last? When? I can't believe you didn't tell me you were seeing someone!" I expected that. I wasn't planning on saying the number of females. It wasn't about that. I wanted to tell him about Anastasia, to finally know if I had any chance with her.

"One by one. First, Over a year. Second, three years ago. It's Anastasia." Then was silence. "The Anastasia." I emphasised. I was ashamed every time I was saying her name in that context.

"I remember you on two or three dates. You said she wasn't your type at all. Ana said the same." I laughed bitterly at that remark.

"She was absolutely my type and we were seeing for over a year. Elliot, I'm the reason she escaped to the East Coast. She ran because of me." Elliot was clearly appalled by that information. He liked Anastasia very much. Whenever he mentioned her, he was kind and friendly. He treated her like another younger sister and felt very protective of her. Probably shared that with Kate. I saw he was struggling to control himself, but I knew he wouldn't do anything stupid. Yes, he was expressive, but he wasn't a kid.

"You lied to me, to all of us, but everything makes perfect sense now: why Ana almost cut us off, why she doesn't want to spend time with us. She wants nothing that reminds her of you." His words were hurtful but true. She escaped from me.

"I know and I'm sorry."

"Boston. You went there to see her." It wasn't a question because he already knew the answer.

"Yeah, we met and talked a while. Elliot, you can judge me all you want. I know I fucked up and that she's a great girl, but that's not the point I'm talking to you right now. Do you think I have any chance of winning her back? I apologised her and didn't contact her since I last saw her. The thing is that I miss her and that she needs help. I broke her…"I was saying that in a begging voice. I had to trust him. He was the closest family I had.

" I can't believe you were lying for so long. I'm mad right now and I don't want to say something I would regret. In my opinion, it's too late to apologise. She moved on, has her life, a boyfriend, who's really nice by the way…"

"Do you think he's treating her right?" I couldn't stop myself. Ana told me she was happy as much as she deserved to be and that rang on alarm.

"He is. Around him she was acting different, she seemed relaxed and calm. I missed her like this. Christian. I think you should let her go."

* * *

APOV

Since Mick told me about his feelings I felt better. Earlier he admitted he had some feelings for me, but he didn't dare to say the words. If I told him he was nothing, I would be no better than Christian. I would do exactly the same thing and that would be wrong. I knew I cared about Mick, but I wasn't sure if that was love. I was out for coffee with Paula, so I could tell her about recent events and help me sort it out.

"How are things between you and Josh?" And then she showed me the ring. I couldn't believe Josh would propose. He was the last person I would suspect of willing to get married. Why didn't you tell me that? I feel offended." I pouted, and she looked at me as if she was disappointed at me.

"It was just a few days ago. We'll invite you soon to celebrate. You're the first, outside of my family, to know. I can't believe he did it!" I was genuinely happy for her. I knew she would be happy with Josh and that he was that kind of person who treated all vows seriously. If he decided he wanted to marry Paula, that meant he truly loved her.

"Congratulations" I said to her and texted to Josh. I waited a minute till I read the answer * _I hoped I would tell you, not Paula._ * I showed her the text and she answered him * _Thanks ~P_ * "Have you set the date?"

"Not yet. We barely decided that we're getting married at all. It isn't that important where, at least for now. Ok, that's enough about me and Josh. Time to hear more about you and Mick." I smiled not sure how to start.

"Mick said he loved me." I stated quietly. I wasn't sure if it was good or bad. Paula's eyes lit.

"Finally." She sighed. I frowned. "He's been seeing Josh and talking about you for weeks. I haven't known Mick for long, but he's a great guy and I know that he cares about you. You really had luck to meet him." I laughed. It was a very odd luck. The look on his face when he saw me at Josh's… priceless.

"That luck is called your fiancé. I'm confused about it. I haven't felt that sort of feelings for a very long time. I'm afraid that I'd only hurt him." I didn't want to lose him, but I was afraid that I was no good for him.

"Don't. You know that it won't be easy, but you two will manage somehow. He won't let you take all the weight of your relationship. He'll be there to support you. I know that Josh will be there and that's a lot." She smiled at me with honesty. I knew I could count on her. I also had a visit with my Doctor, so there was a lot of talking. He told me pretty much the same and I needed a while to myself. After I got home I took a long bath and thought about him.

I felt like some part of me went back to the right spot and I had to understand it somehow. He was helping me, and I wanted to be the person he loved. I could give him what he wanted, because truth be told, that was what I wanted too. I called Mick to tell him about that day. I told him about the coffee and that I'd have to meet up with Josh as well.

"Want me to come for the night?" I asked casually. I was used to spending evenings at him home, but I wasn't ready to move in with him for good.

"I'm planning a gift for my Mom, and my Dad and Cole are here, but you're welcome if you want. "Cole was Mick's older brother. I didn't know Cole was coming to Boston.

"Haven't seen them for a while. I'll come as soon as possible. Some groceries needed?"

"No, just come Baby. It'll be nice." I didn't pack many things, only clothes to work for tomorrow morning. I drove to his home and felt excited and positively driven. I knocked and was welcomed by a quick kiss on the cheek. I went to the living room and saw three Dawes men debating on a present for Joanne. It was cute. In the end Michael decided he would take her out to her restaurant and that he would do the album of last year's photos. Cole said he could send him some and Mick sent him several right away. I had no idea what Mick was planning for his mom but I could hear him murmuring to Cole about the part for Father.

Cole headed upstairs and the three of us stayed. There was silence for a while, when I heard my phone ringing. I noticed Kate's ID, apologised the men, and left the room to answer the phone. It was comparable to a howler. I heard her screaming to the phone and I couldn't distinguish the majority of words she was saying.

"I'd better go out with this one. Kate…" I explained to Mick. I took a hoody and left the house. I was worried, what kind of emergency happened that Kate was so nervous.

"Kate, slowly and calmly because I didn't understand a word." I had to stay calm in case she wasn't absolutely okay.

"Don't use that card again Steele. Elliot told me about you and Christian! Why the fuck you didn't tell me?!" I was shocked by that exclamation, but I wasn't mad. I didn't expect that to happen and it beat me off guard.

"I can't believe he told him." I admitted quietly more to myself. It was the weirdest info today. "Kate, it's in the past. I don't want to talk about him."

"I just can't believe you kept it secret and that you didn't tell me, so I could help you." I couldn't tell her anything. It was between the two of us. I just couldn't. I had to face the music. I knew that moment was about to come. Still, I expected it to happen a bit later.

"Kate, it's complicated a bit and now it really isn't a good time…" I wanted to go back to Mick and forget that it happened.

"NO! I want to know everything. Ana, if you'd told me, I would've done something to make you feel more at ease. I would support you, but you cut me off. I'm so sorry for setting you up with him... If I had known…" I didn't want to hear it. It wasn't her fault. It would happen either way, there was nothing that could change it.

"Stop Katie. We can't change the past and I'm fine with that. I have a new life now. There's no reason for you to worry."

"I'm coming this weekend, no excuses." It wasn't a good idea. I had plans with Mick, I had work to do, and talking about all details from my relationship with Christian Grey was out of the question.

"I'm busy."

"No, you're not. We need to seriously talk. Call it an emergency call." And she hung up. I wasn't even mad at her, but I needed to talk to Christian to know what to expect. Why didn't he understand to leave me alone? He was always returning to my life when I didn't want him to. I dialled his number, had it in my contact list since the memorable meeting. He answered after second signal.

"Grey." I wasn't even trying to be polite. I wanted to know how screwed I was.

"What exactly did you say to Elliot?" I hissed at him. I was calm, but I wasn't in a great mood.

"Everything. I had to talk to someone. How do you know?" I rolled my eyes and I smirked.

"Kate. She's just called me and yelled for almost half an hour. Christian, please I need space and I don't feel ok that she knows. I haven't told anyone about you and I was always being truthful to you. I don't know what I can say to her to calm her down. You put me in a very uncomfortable position." I let it all out.

"You can tear up NDA. You can say whatever you want. I trust you Anastasia. It's all up to you."

"What are you trying to prove? I'm tired with your games Grey, but thanks for giving me that little trust. Look, if you have something important to add, call me someday else. Bye Grey." I finished the call and saw Mick with a puzzled look. I immediately tensed. I didn't want him to find out like this.

"That didn't sound like Kate to me." He said in an irritated voice. He didn't tolerate lying.

"Because now it wasn't Kate." I saw he had a blanket in his hand. I pointed at it.

"I thought you might need it. It's getting colder and colder." I took it with gratitude. I wanted to hug him, but I saw he wouldn't be okay with it until I told him what was bothering me. I decided to trust him. He deserved to know the truth. I took my phone and googled the only photo of me and Christian. It was taken at my graduation. Mick saw this photo once, but I shook it off by saying it was being at the wrong place and at the wrong time. Everyone knew about the interview, it was a public knowledge, and everybody could find that terrible interview online. I looked at it and sighed in resignation. "Who were you talking to?" He asked quietly. I showed him the photo and looked away ashamed.

"I've seen that photo before. It's Grey and…" His eyes narrowed to have a closer look. "and You." I knew he understood the message when he saw the date." So, it was more than just the interview?" It didn't sound like a question, but still I nodded.

"It was." I felt vulnerable at the moment. He hugged me in return.

"You should've told me. Why did you two talk?"

"He told Elliot and he told Kate… I told no one about our relationship that someone would link me back to him."

"They didn't know as well? You've been keeping this a secret from your closest friends and me?" I nodded again unable to speak. I deserved the worst. I felt bad, but I didn't want it to happen.

"and Christian finally told his brother. I called to tell him off. Can we go back inside?" He helped me to stand up and we went home.

"Everything became so obviously clear. We should talk about it." I knew I had to. I had to do this if I didn't want to be held back from being with him for the next months.

"Not today though. I'm wondering how is it that you accept who you are and manage not to keep secrets from your family?"

"Only my Dad and I think that Mom know. Brothers do not." He smiled sadly. "It took me a long while to accept it, but thanks to Dad it was easier than on my own." I didn't understand. Mick always seemed secure and confident. I couldn't picture him having any doubts about himself.

"I don't understand. How is that even possible?" I felt like I needed to know that story as well.

"Not today Ana. We both need rest."

* * *

Liked it? Please let me know ;)

Excited till next update.

Can't wait to hear from you again

~M


	11. Conflicted

Hello,

Family issues put the story on the side track, but it's back and the delay luckily isn't too long.

Next chapter will be posted after Easter Mon/Tue .

Thank you for the support with the story all the messages I got and reviews, you're great ;)

Enjoy

* * *

Chapter 11

APOV

"I know I should've told you earlier." I whispered to him when lying in his bed. It was my part of explanations. Part of me wanted to feel pain, but I knew he wouldn't do that. I knew though that it was for the best. I was so angry at myself and there was nothing I can do to prevent that.

"Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry for what happened to you." He turned to me, but it was dark. I couldn't read his expression.

"I never told you that I loved you. I'm not sure if someone like me is capable of love now." I felt his finger on my lips and I stopped talking. I was trying to be more confident, but my self-insecurity was again on the surface.

"I understand Ana, I do. Please don't speak about yourself that way." I felt like what I was doing to him was wrong, like I was wasting his time he could give to someone truly special.

"You know I'm trying, but it's hard. I don't know if my... what I feel is right but I'm afraid..."I wanted to say that I loved someone else, but luckily managed to stifle that. I knew that my feelings for Grey had nothing to do with love. Besides, he didn't love me so the subject was closed.

In the morning I woke up at five. I took a shower downstairs. I didn't want to wake him up.. I was planning on leaving unnoticed but it wasn't possible. Cole was already in the kitchen. He made me coffee without asking. I must have looked terrible. I had breakfast and wrote a note to Mick.

"Looks like you need it." I muttered thanks over my coffee. It was nice of him. I probably looked like hell.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" I immedialtely recognised Mick's sleepy voice. I gave hi a quick kiss on the cheek and a quick hug.

"I couldn't sleep. We'll talk later, okay?" With that, I left to work, where I totally couldn't focus. I was doing my best to keep up, but I seemed to fall behind every hour, which resulted in much shorter break. I got back and lay straight on my bed. I wanted to forget about past twenty-four hours. That should have never happened. I wasn't mad, after I cooled myself down a bit. I was afraid that Kate would see me differently from now on. She's always been like a sister to me and I didn't want to lose her.

* * *

"I had plans I had to cancel by your unwarranted concern." I said calmly to Kate. I wasn't mad at her, just stated the fact. On the other hand, it wasn't unwarranted, it was only a few years too late. I was glad she cared, because on every step she assured me in her actions that she's my true friend. She didn't let me totally go, although she respected my space.

"I'm not going to apologise. I'm so mad at you Steele." I shook my head. I didn't want to think about any of them. I should've cut off all of them for good. Unfortunately, I didn't. It was why it was haunting me like this.

"I get it, but I promise you Kate that I'm fine now. I talked to Christian recently. He apologised and I'm slowly moving on."

"I can see that. You're happy with Mick, right?" I immediately nodded. This time there was no hesitation. I knew I wasn't in love with him, but it didn't mean I didn't care about him. Then it hit me, _I wasn't in love with Mick. I thought I was… but it wasn't true. Fact was fact, I felt good and it was thanks to him._

"Obviously Katie. Everything happens for a reason. I think I feel at peace." He embraced me, and I felt her anger evaporating. I knew it was because she was concerned about me. If it wasn't for the interview none of this would have ever happened. I didn't want to change it in any way. It was as it supposed to be.

"The best possible news, so you're not going back for Thanksgiving?" I rolled my eyes. It was still about a month to Thanksgiving.

"I promised your Mom I'd be coming. I wouldn't survive double Kavanagh attack. Kate… I didn't want any of this to happen." I apologised for one last time. I wanted to be over with that topic, but to be honest there was still some sort of conflict in me. I still felt something for Christian and I didn't want to admit it. I wanted these feelings go away. When he said he missed me… Part of me missed him too, but I knew it wasn't right. He broke me amd if it wasn't for Mick, I wouldn't be somewhat me again.

"I didn't want this to happen too. Whenever I think how badly you must have felt, it makes me sick. He used you and left when he got bored." It wasn't exactly like she said. I knew he was going to leave. I was absolutely capable that day. I wanted to be free from living lie. I loved him but I knew that if I hadn't left, he would've broken me probably worse. I wanted to protect myself. The ending showed that my protection failed.

'"No Kate, I left on my own terms. I knew he was going to leave. I was a bit delusional that mabye, just maybe he'd give us a chance. As you can see, he didn't." I picked at my food, but didn't have much apetite. I knew Kate didn't understand everything. It was easy to judge when she didn't feel it. Actually, Grey and I have never talked too much about our private lives. I found out more from family events.

"You're better off without him anyway. Look at you, you're smiling again. You told me that you were having fun one day. I saw you around with Mick. He absolutely loves you." It hit me again. I never said to him that I loved him. I couldn't. I still had some doubts and it was all Christian's fault. I didn't even know him. I wasn't ready for him being again a part of my life and in comparison, I always felt safe with Mick. That was what I needed to realise.

"He does. He makes me clingy a bit, but he's certainly good for you." I rolled my eyes and smiled at my best friend.

"I had to cancel my weekend with him, but thanks for looking out for me, especially when I need it the most." Someone knocked to the door and received a package from my Mom. She sent me some books and few jars of homemade apple jam. I loved that she remembered about me. I didn't expect it, so I immediately called her with thanks. _I surely needed to sort this shit out. I couldn't afford another conflict. I had to finally decide on which side I was on._

* * *

Time passed faster than I thought it was possible and I was heading back to Seattle. It was hard to believe that it's been another half a year. It felt like a few weeks top. The date of departure was inevitably coming and I knew I made a promise. I told Mick not to come with me. I wanted to be alone. It was between Christian and me and his presence would do no good. I've been thinking a lot about oir relaationship and in fact, I was certain that it was almost like it never happen. I barely knew Grey. I didn't even know basics and that was irritating. He never let me come too close to him. He'd been always controlling me.

I came a few days earlier and I didn't expect anything extraordinary. When I arrived, it turned out that something had happened at the Greys. Grace and Christian had grave expressions like somebody died.

"Hello." I said shyly to Grace. If I didn't say hello, she wouldn't acknowledge my presence.

"Hello Dear." She looked at me as if I was a stranger and left me alone with Christian. To my surprise, I didn't feel uncomfortable around him. I knew he couldn't hurt me more, than he already have… and that was comforting. I saw he's also changed. He didn't seem to be fine and suddenly I felt sorry for him. I wanted to reach out to touch him, but I remembered not to do so. I knew he would only push me away.

"This time you look like shit." I mean, he looked good, but I saw that he didn't feel good.

"My turn now right? I missed you Ana." It was he who reached out to me and I didn't stop him.

"What has just happened?" I remembered that Grace was always full of life and joy. Today I haven't seen neither.

"Something came up about my prvate life that my parents aren't comfortable with…"I exhaled nervously. If Elliot knew… then...all the rest…"not about you and me, about how it all started."I raised my eyebrows in curiosity. I actually had no idea how he got involved in the lifestyle. I asked him once, but he didn't answer me, like to most of my questions.

"My mother's friend seduced me when I was fifteen…" He told me his history with Mrs. Lincoln and I was simply apalled. Not with him, he was still a child, but with this evil woman. She knew all his weaknesses from Grace and she used them against him for 6 years and the fact he'd been in touch with her ever since. I could understand some of it, but one question I couldn't stop.

"Why did it come out now?" He hesitated a bit but when he looked at me I knew I was connected to this puzzle.

"Because I told her on many occasions that I wasn't intrested in anyone for a while and I told her about you, that I want you back." He looked at me like he didn't want to admit it out loud but it was too late to change it. I chose to ignore it.

"and that made Grace angry?"

"Mum heard us talking and she found out about our relationship. She slapped her and threw her out of the house. It was last week and since then, we're kind of talking and trying to make amends."

"That's good. You've never told me so much about yourself. You were always ignoring me."

"I guess I just needed somebody to talk to. Thanks for listening, you didn't have to do that." I knew that but it wasn't a problem. It wasn't that hard. It felt right that he trusted me.

Thanksgiving was great. I loved that day because I it gave me chance to reflect on my life and express how grateful I was for everything and everyone present in my life. Kate, who was a helpless cook, prepared the turkey all by herself. Saying that people were surprised by that fact was an understatement. Everyone seemed happy and relaxed, even me. I knew I was among good people who cared about me and I felt like I belonged. Kate's Mum has always been supportive of me and Grace taught by experience tried hiding her distress. I wanted to talk to her to soothe her down but I eventually I didn't. I also called Mick and wished him all the best. He must have sensed that I didn't sound like myself and I hated that. It was all so wrong. I shouldn't have any doubts now. I thought I made up my my mind. After dinner I went outside to think in peace. I remembered about a coat because it was really cold outside. I wasn't used to big family and needed some quiet time.

"It's cold. Maybe you should go back inside." Christian said clearly worried. It was odd to hear it coming from him.

"In a sec. Christian… thank you." I waved at him and I was again alone with my thoughts. He shouldn't have said the words earlier. I was so angry with myself that I knew I should be on my own, I didn't want to hurt any of them. It never occurred to me that he might actually miss me. It was all too fucked up and I knew there was no good solution from this situation.

* * *

That's it for today, let me know if you enjoyed it ;)

Enjoy your Easter break,

~M


	12. Decision

_Hello, hopefully you had a wonderful Easter ;)_

 _Thanks to all who read and reviewed, for your support etc ;)_

 _Next chapter will be posted around Sunday. Enjoy, have fun and review ;)_

 _Till next time_

 _~Mila_

* * *

Chapter 12

Anastasia's POV

I was trying to fit in, but it was all for nothing. I called Paula after dinner although I should let them enjoy their holidays. I was with the Greys and Kavanaghs and the following day I was going to see Ray. I missed him, and I couldn't imagine Thanksgiving without my Dad. Especially when I wasn't going to see him on Christmas.

I woke up earlier than the rest and noticed a text from Christian. It was sent fifteen minutes ago, asking if I had time. I was sure he wasn't sleeping so I called him.

"How are you? It's five in the morning?" I was only wondering what was going on.

"I know, do you mind if I pick you up in thirty minutes?" It wasn't the tone I was being used to. He was just asking in a polite manner. I looked around the room. I needed only 15 minutes to be ready to leave. I put on comfortable jeans, warm hoody and warmer scarf. I texted Kate to let her know I was out for a second.

I left the house and jumped into his car. It was still dark, but I knew that dawn was close. We were riding around the city and it didn't seem like Christian had any plan what he wanted me for. I saw that he had a white night and probably it wasn't his first. From what I've known about the situation with Mrs. Lincoln, he had a reason to be afraid.

"What's going on Christian? Please talk to me." He briefly looked at me and after a few minutes pulled over the car. We were alone at night, and I surprisingly I felt safe. It was odd because I knew I remembered this place. It was where we stopped when he was driving me home at the very beginning of our relationship.

"I wanted to talk to you about something that has come up while talking yesterday." I knew what was coming. I took hair from my face and turned to him. My eyes were on his and I wasn't intimidated at all.

"You said you wanted me back. I heard it loud and clear. Why? Why now?" It was a very bad time. I already had a lot on my plate and Christian added one more complication.

"I've wanted that for months, but I meant it. I've missed you. You're the best that happened to me." This couldn't be right. It wasn't the best time.

"Please don't go further. Christian look… it took me years to go back to normal. I don't want it to be for nothing. "He wanted to interrupt me, but I raised my hand to silence him. I wasn't that frightened kid, I repeated to myself." Honestly, part of me misses you too, but I can't listen to my heart. Reason is the proper voice and I need to trust it. I barely know you. Yesterday I found out more about you than I would in months. I appreciate your trust, that you released me from the NDA, that you said something about your past. I think deep down you're a decent man. Do not interrupt me." I saw pain in his eyes, but I was certain I needed to be firm with him. It was the only language he seemed to master." You're not that bad when I think about you in a more… objective way. I'm sorry. I can't quit everything I've built for the past three years, jump back on a plane to Seattle and come back to you like nothing ever happened. I'm not your property."

"I know Ana. I do. I know that you wouldn't have escaped that far if I hadn't fucked everything up. I can partly understand how conflicted you feel right now. I didn't mean to put you in an uncomfortable situation. I… I shouldn't have said that."

"Look at me Grey. Yep, at first I thought I misheard something. Later I was angry, I have a really bad time now. Yet, at the moment I feel fine with it. I appreciate that you communicate with me. I can still be there for you when you need me, as a friend. "He looked at me puzzled so I explained. "I have a life, and someone I care about deeply. For now, friendship is the only thing you can have with me and by that, I mean like regular friends." I wasn't sure if I was actually strong enough to be just on friendly basis, or it was an excuse to cut him off. All in all, 'let's be friends' means actually "I hate you stay out of my life but in front of others pretend you're fine". I knew it wasn't an empty offer. I could do that if he needed that. I was waiting forever for him to answer. I almost felt his struggle, but it was his fight not mine. I made up my mind. I understood I loved Grey, I never stopped caring about him, that was what Mick was trying to tell me all along. On the other hand, I loved Mick too and they couldn't be more different from each other.

"I can live with that. It's more than I hoped. You never cease to amaze me." He took my hand and I could relax. The storm was going to calm down because I was finally accepting and making stable decision.

"Feel better now?" I asked concerned.

"Sure. You haven't changed that much you know. I heard once while talking to Kate, that sweet kid is gone. You're not a kid, that's for sure, but you're still sweet and caring person and I'm happy that I can really call myself your friend." I rolled my eyes at the compliment. It was cute that he was saying it. I knew he was being truthful and that was the only reason why I didn't say something to tell him off properly.

"Sweet. A puppy is sweet. If I wanted I could easily beat you up." I half joked. If he tried something, I wouldn't hesitate to defend myself. Plus, Ray was a very good teacher. Big girls know how to manage on their own right?

* * *

Kate's POV

I couldn't believe the note I saw in the hall. I couldn't believe Ana would willingly go anywhere with Christian especially at that hour. I was panicking because I was obviously worried about my friend. I didn't trust Christian. I knew he's changed for the last months, but it wasn't enough for me. I didn't want to lose my friend again. All family was shocked after we found out about the affair between Elena Lincoln and Christian. I was simply appalled that somebody could hurt child like that. Carrick wanted to sue her but his son prevented him from doing so.

"Did she write anything specific?" I shook my head. Elliot asked me with caution. He tried calling her but there was no answer, so he called Christian, but he also didn't pick up. I made some coffee and didn't bother about my appearance it was just after seven in the morning.

"Don't worry. I'm sure they're okay." He held me close and reassured that they would be okay. Sometimes I was forgetting that Ana was a strong and clever girl who never took shit from anyone. I should trust her more that she'd be alright.

"You're right. I'm just worried." He kissed me and I let go of the situation a bit.

"Worried about what?" I heard Ana stepping into the room. She had just returned home. I was glad to see her tired but somewhat calm. Elliot instantly stood up and came to Ana to hug her.

"You're on your own with this. Good luck." Ana couldn't stop from smiling, which was odd. I was worried and mad. It was crazy hour to leave God knows where with a man who broke you. Apparently, Ana seemed okay and that was the only thing that stopped me from yelling.

"You, going out late _with Christian._ " I couldn't hide the contempt and reluctance. She should have known better than to spend time with him. The only thing he caused to her was pain and rejection. I didn't trust Christian whenever it came to Ana. I just couldn't risk her getting hurt again. If it wasn't for me, nothing would ever happen, and I wouldn't have lost my friend.

"Nothing to worry about. I'm fine." She said in a sleepy voice. I hoped she was but honestly I could never be absolutely certain. She'd been lying about what really happened for _fucking years._

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

"What was so important that meant going out with him in the middle of the night?" I managed not to yell. For me that was a lot.

"He told me he wanted me back" My eyes widened in shock. That was what I feared and secretly hoped for. Suddenly, I felt some strange pride that Christian swallowed his and took steps to make amends and move forward to at least try repairing this relationship. He must've understood what he lost. In my opinion it was too late.

"Oh, I get it. How are you feeling with it?" I had to be there for her if she had any sort of problem. She was my friend. I owed her my time.

* * *

Anastasia's POV

"We aren't getting back. I don't trust him. Look, I need rest, staying up at night has its flaws." I went to my room and texted Mick that I missed him. I spent the following day with my Dad and I had to say it again. I loved Ray very much. Although he wasn't my biological father, I loved him as one. We spent the day in soothing quiet manner.

"I miss you Annie and I want you to be happy. You need to stop running. It's been far too long"

These short but meaningful sentences were all I remembered clearly from my visit. On the fastest occasion I updated my doctor with recent events and how much it helped me.

I knew I was okay. I went back to work with new energy. I wasn't that much distracted anymore. I didn't talk to Mick for over a week. I told him I needed a break and that I'd contact him sometimes later during the week. I had to think it thoroughly over. I wanted to be in his life if he wanted the same thing. I called the owner and informed about the possibility of resignation of my apartment. It was small but I kept it neat and cosy. Mick stopped by when I called I was ready to talk to him and tell him about my choice. It was in the middle of the week, so he came with takeout food and his laptop to work a bit. I did all I could to be only focused on him. I put on my simplest dress and absolutely no makeup. I looked several years younger and more innocent than for most of time. Unfortunately I started having problems with my eyesight and that resulted in buying glasses. Too much time in front of screen was never good.

I was busy with translation when I heard knocking. I opened the door just to see Mick's smiling face. I knew it wasn't because of me. He was happy about something and I didn't wait long for him to share.

"I bought tickets for "The Force Awakens" I rolled my eyes and barely managed to stifle laugh. I couldn't keep straight face though. I knew he was really excited about the new Star Wars film yet anxious knowing LucasFilm was part of Disney. I wasn't that much fan myself but José and Kate were. We'd had several marathons at University and I liked the social part most. It was cute in that nerdy way.

"That's what I call a date." I smiled. Honestly, I liked the idea of seeing Star Wars before Christmas. It was funny that we had some common interests and could share them. It felt so...normal and I loved it.

"Why are you so sure I'm taking you?" I pouted and shook my head. Was he really trying to play me now?

"Mostly because of plural and second, I can't come up with anyone else who'd like to go with you at the moment." I kissed him on the cheek and quickly made some sandwiches. I was in good mood on the phone. I told him I had something important to tell him and I was planning on asking him. We ate in a comfortable silence. I felt like I belonged with him.

"I missed you. Great to see you in such a good mood. Any specific reason?"

"You can say that. Visiting Seattle helped me a lot this time and enabled me to understand some things." His puzzled look started to cloud with fear. I didn't start too well. "Yes, I talked to Grey as well." Mick didn't like the fact of my relationship with Christian. He knew how badly it affected me. Unfortunately, he was also exposed to my poor condition. Without the need on looking far in the past. Even four months back I was a mess in comparison to now. Mick didn't ask too much about him. He was calm and patient, as always.

"I was holding back for too long when it came to you. I didn't want to open up, I didn't want that risk of getting hurt. I made my decision." I was almost quiet. I knew it was what I wanted. "I was thinking, a while ago you asked me to move in with you. If the offer stands, I'd like to take it." I saw him staring at me like he saw me for the first time.

"I was expecting something less optimistic, but Ana yeah, for me it's great" Next minute I was laughing hard in his arms. It was the right choice. "Finally"

* * *

Okay, here we go ;) let me know if you enjoyed it ;)

Can't wait to hear from you again

~M


	13. Settling in

Hello,

Time for posting another chapter Going back to work on it. Thank you for all the support. As always it means a lot.

Wothout futher entrances, enjoy the chapter and share your opinion later ;)

Cheers

~Mila

* * *

Chapter 13

APOV

It was finally happening, I was moving out. Mick helped me in packing my boxes. I was certain I didn't have a lot of belongings. The truth was different, there were way too many things. I put everything in different boxes and labelled all of them. I wasn't going to look frantically for most important items.

"You know you don't need to hurry with anything. It can take months to unpack all of this."

"I know. It would take way longer if you weren't helping me." I held his hand to sit with me for a sec. I looked around my small apartment. I had so many memories here, but I knew I had to let go. I had to make room for new things.

"It isn't taking long. Please Ana you're one of the most organised people I've ever met." He took my hair on the one side. He tied it into ponytail. It was more comfortable that way.

"In less than an hour we'll finish. I wish I could just spend my evening with you but I'm seeing my doctor. I've already noticed one flaw of living on the outskirts."

"Well, if you want, you can still back down." I punched him lightly in the stomach… but it turned out to be a bit too hard. I heard his silent groan.

"Sorry… I was joking." I took up self-defence again and I loved it. It had some drawbacks, I had plenty of energy again and it wasn't the first time Mick was hit. We haven't played as Dom and sub for a while. Part of me missed that but the other one was happy to observe a different turn of events. In recent month when I agreed to move in with Mick, I was slowly forgetting about him being my Dom. I just liked being around him and it felt like I was all the time with a very good, close friend. I was thinking about bring it up, but I couldn't find a right moment.

"I know, and I know you shouldn't skip your appointments. I'll pick you up from the office and we'll go home together okay?" I nodded, but I had to go by my car. My apartment was empty. We cleaned it and the only thing left, was to give back the keys. I could do this on my way to doctor's.

* * *

The session was okay. I was in a good mood because I was curious about the future. I dared to say I was even enthusiastic about it. I had to at least try giving myself a chance to be happy with someone without the last name Grey. We got back home and we took the second half of my belongings to a small room upstairs. I didn't want to think about unpacking but it was obviously inevitable. Anyway, as Mick said, I wasn't in any sort of hurry.

What surprised me in the kitchen were labels on the drawers I had problems with. And I found it really sweet that he was adjusting something for me. A little thing but it was great.

Christmas was coming and I knew that I wasn't going neither to Georgia, nor Montesano. I called both more often and talked about everything and nothing. In the end I was going to haw Dawes Christmas and I was looking forward to it. I had the chance of spending time with them and I had a very cosy connection with Joanne. At first I labelled her as shy person, but I couldn't be more wrong. She was a very good observant and very supportive friend. She was doing her best to keep in touch with all her children. My Mom was trying, but she was always too busy with her life. I didn't blame her though.I was happy I had Ray. He was the best Dad in the world and he was the person who really brought me up.

"Ana, how about inviting your dad here? I'm sure he'd come if given a chance." It was bothering him that I was alone, but I didn't feel like this. Maybe it was because I was in Washington not so long ago.

"I was thinking about it, but I think he already made his plans and I don't want to change it."I knew he didn't like travelling much, and whenever it was possible, he was trying to avoid going anywhere far.

"Fair enough" I got back to my latest translation. For the past week, I was barely leaving my bed. I got a terrible flu and I was barely standing on my own feet. I was working at home because I didn't want to fall behind. There were moments when I wasn't capable of opening my laptop, and then I was mostly sleeping.

I hated being sick, but it had one great advantage. Mick made me a soup. It reminded me of times when I lived with Kate. Whenever one of us was ill, we were taking care of one another. I had no idea I missed it so much. For years I had nobody to look after me and that was an amazing feeling.

I heard a quiet knock and let Mick in. I was lying on my bed wishing to fall asleep.

I got up around midnight and found a water next to the bed. I was thirsty all the time and thanks to that I didn't have to go downstairs only to wake him up.

Anyway I had to stretch my legs a bit and left the room to take my laptop from the living room. To my surprise he wasn't sleeping. I saw the light was on. He was sitting by his laptop and closed it when he understood I was looking at him.

"I didn't want to wake you so I thought I'd do some work here." I wanted to do the same. I knew it was a long day and he also needed rest.

"Can't sleep forever though. But you on the other hand, you look dreadful. Upstairs in five minutes." My tone was weak and it didn't sound too bossy. I wanted to take care of him. If he stayed up longer, he would be a nightmare in the morning. I thought I'd hear objection. Whenever something was so important he was up, he would be stubborn. Yet, then I could hear a soft laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"You sounded just like my mother." I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted to hear from him. All I wanted was to him being okay. One sick person was enough. "You're right. Time to bed. Coming with me or now it's your turn?" I changed my mind. I decided to go with him and later do some of work.

"Coming." I blowed my nose and went to our bedroom. For the past week we've been sleeping separately but all in all if I were to infect him, he would've been ill by now.

"Hopefully you'll be fine by Christmas." I got a short kiss on my forehead when he returned ready to bed.

"I still have a few days. Good time we aren't hosting hosting this year." I found out that every year the Dawes gathered in a different place and this year was parents' turn.

"My turn was last year. I was actually very tempted to invite you, you know?" I shook my head. It didn't occur to me that we were together that long. I started seeing him in November. A year passed.

"It's been a year…"I said quietly. He stroked my hair so I was relaxing in his arms.

"A month ago, but yeah. It doesn't change a thing you know. I wanted to know you more, but I knew you wouldn't let me. It was too personal and I would lose you." I had no idea he actually liked me since the beginning. I didn't like myself at the beginning, even if I was in a totally different state of mind

"I guess, but you didn't really know me. Plus, I told you I wanted no personal commitment." I heard a smirk.

"Hard to remember that one. Josh had warned me as well. Actually, about that… If you didn't want personal commitment, how did it happen that you and Josh are friends?" I was wondering about it for a very long time. It wasn't an easy question.

"Honestly, I'm not sure if I know. I mean, I guess it was because I knew I had no romantic feelings and he was the first person here I had trusted. He's always seemed reliable to me and I liked that about him."

"Yeah, me too. I can't believe he's getting married." Mick said in an excited voice. Although he was tired, he didn't hide how he felt and I liked that about him.

"I'm happy for him." He pulled me a bit closer.

"I was speaking with him about you on several occasions. The first thing he told me was that you wanted to feel something again, and the other thing was to never push you on your personal side. He told me, I would take good care of you because of your condition and that I'd have enough patience…" I knew I wanted to hear this. It was like he were both vulnerable at that point.

"I couldn't believe you were that person. Still, I'm so happy I took the risk. It was definitely worth it." I cuddled him and felt so small again. I knew I was completely safe.

"If you were too pushy or I might have even a hint of suspicion, I would've kick your ass before you could touch me even once." He knew it wasn't an empty threat. Ray has been training me when I was a teen and I wasn't completely helpless. Today, I took up classes and I was learning way more than before, but I had a very good basic preparation.

"I believe you. You have no idea how much you remind me of my mum. It's a compliment, don't punch me. I know that comparing to possible mother-in-law might not be pleasant, but it's only in a positive manner." I turned to him about the mother-in-law part. I wasn't sure if I misheard him.

"Mother-in-law you say? Are you so sure?" He looked at me with his worried eyes and muttered sorry to my ear.

"You know that she loves you and she's calling you that at home? Dad was trying to hold her horses, but it's pointless. About the two of them Mum is the leader." I laughed at that but deep down it was very nice. I felt like I had another family.

"I have to say that for me your father is more intimidating and he knows. I just don't know how to feel about this."

"I warned you. Relax baby, he's just like you said, when he's at work. Otherwise than work, he's really easy-going. You have no reasons to feel weird. Besides, nothing is going on for a while now."

"You're right about the last one. When we started seeing each other you were short after ending a long-term relationship." I started carefully. He never said much. All I knew was that her name was Maya and that they've been together for over two years.

"What about it?" He asked in a surprised voice. It wasn't a question he was expecting. "Maya wasn't the right person. I care about her, but not the way I care for you. We ended up as friends and that was end of story."

"Okay, I didn't mean to be intrusive. Going back to the previous part, I just feel odd that you are so open about it and you don't treat it as a dirty secret."

"Well, I don't go around the city and shout about my sexual preferences and family if they wish, they can know."

"I never thought about expanding number of people about what I wanted. For a very long time I felt like I was a freak." Mick's fingers were running to my neck and touched it like he was missing the collar.

"There was a time I felt the very same thing, that these things were wrong and that it was against my upbringing that you should always treat women with a proper respect, that hurting woman in any way was unthinkable." It was logical that many people had so many fears. Imprinted rules are hard to change.

"I finally understood that there might be people interested in the same area and I got the sense that I wasn't that much of a freak." I liked his attitude. It was so rational and stoic.

* * *

I was getting better so I could help Mick with preparing salmon for the dinner. Every family member had to declare and bring something to eat.

"I'm so stressed I wish you might be a bit stricter with me."

"No way, but if you're not a nice girl maybe I should stop being overly nice. Although, I stopped considering you as my sub a while ago."

"Me too, although it's not permanent. I still like you in charge."

"That will never change. As long as you want it, you're all mine."

"I know and I like it." I wandered around the house and went to the basement where we usually played. I opened the right room and I was shocked. Almost everything was packed and the room suddenly felt very unwelcoming. I sat on the floor not sure if I should move. I wanted to clear my head. I suddenly heard footsteps but I didn't move.

"I thought I'd find you here. I was coming here lately a lot too. I don't need that right now." He pointed at the boxes. "You don't need these either." I knew he was right.

* * *

Liked it? Let me know, your opinions in comments below.

Cheers

~M


	14. All for nothing

_A/N: Hello again. I'm posting chapter 14. Plenty of things are happening here ;) Thank you for the support. It means a lot._

 _Now, on with the chapter_

 _Enjoy_

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Chapter 14

Christian's POV

I missed her, but I knew there was nothing I could do.

I was too late. For the past month I was doing everything I could to make amends with my family. It was the hardest with Elliot and Kate. I told them everything and since that time Kate is looking at me in a different way. She felt bad about herself, although she had no reason to. It wasn't something she had control over. Sometimes things just happen.

Elliot was a funny case, because he was at first mad, but after he cooled down, he was the most supportive person from my family. I was grateful to have an older brother, especially one like him.

I haven't contacted Ana since that day I took her out for a ride at dawn. She wasn't contacting me either. I understood her, and I knew things like that took time. She was taking great lengths to forgive me and I appreciated the effort. I couldn't change what I did.

"John, I feel so guilty. It just can't stop haunting me. I still see her pain and I know that right now, the problem is in me." Flynn was looking at me with an expression I couldn't read. I felt more guilty since I told her I wanted her back. I loved her but had no other choice than to let her be happy with a person she deserved.

"I think it'll be better with time. I think you did everything in your power and it's okay." I didn't do everything in my power. I wanted to do more. I wanted to convince her that it could work somehow between us. I would do whatever she wanted, just to get her back.

"Yet, I feel so powerless." Anastasia offered me her friendship and I decided to take it. It was a lot from her and I wanted her to be part of my life. I could use a friend. I've never really had one, except for my brother.

"It's not that bad Christian. You'll be okay. How about your relationship with your parents? Any progress?" I nodded. My father was furious at me for a while, Mum too. When she found out about the affair, she was absolutely furious. At first I thought it was only about the fact that I was underage. Truth was far worse. She knew about Elena's tastes and she matched the dots. It was very hard for me to look her in the eye. She asked me if I was into it.

But that was when the surprise came. She told me she was sorry that she didn't protect me and didn't notice anything sooner. I told her not to worry. I was more careful than she was.

"Time will tell. We're doing our best." I didn't want to tell her about Anastasia, but I felt that would explain my recent actions and latest changes in me. I wasn't making an excuse for myself.

* * *

I always liked Christmas. It was the best time of the year. When I was a kid, it was because of the gifts, but later I started to see it as my favourite time with my family. I don't mind that fuss at all. My whole family is in one place - my parents' house which is our safe haven.

I prepared something small for everyone and even prepared a gift for Ana, but I stopped myself from sending it. I thought she might not like it. I texted her one day before Christmas Eve. I wished her all the best and that I missed her.

What surprised me was to hear my phone ringing. I didn't expect her to answer me like that.

"Hey, I wanted to thank you for the wishes. How are you?" At first I thought she was okay, but her voice seemed to be a bit tired.

"I thought you'd like it more than if I called you. I'm good. How about you?" I heard a quiet laugh and later cough.

"You're right. I'm almost fine, except of being ill for past week. I can't wait to Christmas Eve. Hopefully I'll get better till then." I was worried about her but her voice didn't seem as if she was upset in any way.

"Hopefully, yes. I wish you were here." I heard soft laugh. I missed her so fucking much.

"I won't be coming for a while now. My mom is coming from Georgia in February. How are you doing? Is everything okay?" I told her about my recent time and what my family has been up to lately. "I'll call Kate as well and ask her more. Thank you for the subtle way of contacting me. I guess it wasn't easy for you."

"It's fine Ana. Happy Christmas." I terminated the call and rejoined Elliot and Kate. She seemed different with me. She was less hostile and more easy-going, or rather should I say, she stopped giving fuck about our relationship. She loved Ana like her sister and felt guilty for what happened.

* * *

Ana's POV

I didn't know what pushed me to call him. When I saw that text, I knew I wanted to talk to him. Only for a second or two, but I wanted to hear his voice. I went back to bed and looked guilty at sleeping Mick. It was just a courtesy call, nothing more. I offered him friendship and I wasn't crossing that line.

The morning on 24th was chaotic. I felt better, so I could normally get up and take a shower. I told Mick about the conversation with Christian but he didn't comment on that. I saw he didn't like the fact but he didn't say a word. We prepared food together and spent an enjoyable day, just the two of us. I turned off my phone, so I could be totally focused on Mick.

"You were right that I'll manage till Christmas." I kissed him on the cheek and rested for a while in his arms. He's been taking good care of me.

"I'm always right about it." We went to see Star Wars episode seven, because he bought the tickets long ago. I found some spoilers online but remained silent. I didn't want to spoil him afternoon. He's been waiting for it for three years.

After the film, we were babbling about BB-8 and that Rey was stupid. Her only plus was that she was British and she had a lovely accent. I wished mostly for Luke Skywalker and I was kind of disappointed.

"Christmas date, who would've thought?" I left the theatre satisfied and relaxed, although I can't watch 3D films. These are a torture for my eyes.

"I didn't expect I would have so much fun on that one with you. The film was nothing special,it was like a more modern version of New Hope." I agreed with that. It made me sure I wasn't the only person with that sort of associations. We had to go home to pick up the food and to change and unfortunately it took us some time.

I put on modest dark grey dress and let my hair loose. I was thinking about cutting it shorter, just above collarbones or something. I think that would look good. Mick decided he wasn't going to be overly formal so he chose a white shirt and casual jacket. No tie, it was just a family meeting.

"You look good." He shrugged and embraced me. He stroked my hair and I lay my head on his chest. I was so small to him, but I liked it. I knew he would always keep me safe.

"I was thinking about putting it on your neck." I moved away to look at him surprised. We haven't played for a while. The playroom is packed and ready to be thrown away and he was thinking about putting a collar on my neck.

"I don't get it. I thought you said it would be better for us to stop for undetermined period." I stressed last two words to prove my point. But then I understood my reaction, I was hesitating.

Normally I would kneel and wait but not today. He proved I didn't perceive him as my Dom any more and that made me smile. Before the first meeting of his parents I was so anxious and off track, that I wouldn't have done it without it.

"I did, and I still think so. I just thought it looked very nice on you. Think about it, you're mine anyway." He smiled reassuringly at me and I sighed in relief. "Besides, almost no one would think about it differently than 'it's a pretty necklace'. It was just an idea, nothing that you have to agree to." Almost no one. He meant his Dad. It was nagging me for a while now.

"About that… You know how I feel about Mr. Dawes." I liked him very much, he was polite caring, very down-to-earth, but I was always kind of on alert when he was present. Mostly because of the way he looked at me when we first met. I felt like he didn't like me, in spite of Mick's assurances." I just don't get it how is that possible that you're so at ease around him and you literally can talk about everything? I know my family wouldn't be very cool with me if they found out I was involved into something like BDSM" I didn't even want to imagine my parents' reaction. They wouldn't be supportive I guess.

"It's not like we talk about everything everything, but he helped me a lot with my own issues. I told you it took me a while to accept who I was. Dad helped me most by accepting me the way I was. He understood me better than anyone probably because of his own experience." I was glad I didn't see my face. I was looking at him with open mouth totally shocked. I wanted to say something but nothing seemed appropriate. That explained pretty much everything.

"You look like I said that ate all your halloween candy. He was involved in the lifestyle a long while ago." I heard somewhere that every person has to go through two serious shocks. First, they understand that their parents must've had sex, and secondly, that your children are old enough to have sex. I guess Mick had three shocks, adding finding out about that aspect.

"Wow, that's a bit scary. I wished I never asked." He laughed at that, because he saw the effect that information had over me.

"Outdated info anyway, for over thirty years."

"I thought that he and your Mum…" I was going through the shock over and over again. I just couldn't believe it.

"Whoa, if he ever tried to make a move on Mum like that, there would be nothing left from him. At least that's what he said." It made sense. At first I assumed his Joanne was calm submissive type but later on I saw I couldn't be further from the truth.

"Well, you know how to surprise me. Seriously everything makes more sense now." I saw his innocent smile.

"At the beginning I told you not to worry about him." I hugged him tight again and smiled to myself. I was okay with putting it on my neck. As Mick said, I was his with or witcar. t it.

I was silent on the car. I was excited about the Dawes family. Winter wasn't too cold but, cold enough to be dressed in two layers. We weren't last to come.

Mick's brother opened the door and let us in. We were waiting for the other brother because he had an emergency at work. Being a doctor is challenging for most of the time. I saw that everyone was very well organised and prepared the table together. Michael was taking things out of the lockers and everyone else was placing items on the table. I joined them and gave the food we brought with us. I was surprised that Joanne wasn't there.

"Where is Joanne?" I asked Michael. He turned to me and I smiled at him.

"She's in the study. Her assistant came over for a while before heading to her own family to Connecticut."

"Oh, that's good she's home. Is Christmas here always like this?" I asked him curiously.

"Well, we meet in different place every year but yes, it's always that loud and chaotic. You're not used to so many people around you. Am I right?"

"Yep. My family isn't big. But I like it here. It's just… I don't know… different." He nodded with understanding.

"Get your point. We'll try not to be too overwhelming." He touched my shoulder like my Dad and I felt like I was with my family.

"Thanks Mr. Dawes." after one look I corrected myself."Michael." Mick was watching us from the table and I knew he was sure I was okay. He was sitting with Cole's son, Barry, on his lap. They looked cute together. We were almost ready with everything when I saw Joanne leaving her study with a woman around my age or maybe two or three years older. One look and all my walls broke down. All the events flooded me and I felt like I was drowning. Few more seconds and I was gone.

It was Leila.

* * *

 _Yay, here we go. Let me know if you enjoyed it and have a good week_

 _Mila_


	15. Lost again

_Hello, I couldn't leave you hanging fof too long, so I'm posting chapter 15._

 _Have a good day and enjoy the chapter ;)_

* * *

Chapter 15

Mick's POV

I totally had no idea what was happening. One moment everything was fine, even more than fine, the other she lost consciousness. Cole managed to catch her before she hit the floor. I gave Barry to his Mum Sophia and came to Anastasia. I checked her pulse, I knew she was breathing. I had no idea why it happened. Everyone was surprised and worried. I went to her and waited for her to wake up. We waited for a while but she wasn't responding. Cole said to give her a while, and she'll be fine. She didn't hit the floor with her head and that was the good news.

"Do you know Mom what happened?" She shook her head.

"I think she was going to get me, but she suddenly paused and collapsed. It took only seconds, you saw it."

"She'll be okay in no time." He was right, because she woke up. I saw that everyone in the room was worried about her. When she looked at us I saw she felt uncomfortable with all this attention, although she had no reason to feel like that. I was hoping she was okay. She wanted to stand up and probably leave but I didn't let her. If she stood up too fast, that wouldn't be good.

"First sit if you want. There's no hurry. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." After a few minutes she stood up and joined the rest of the family. We had to wait a bit more for Peter but the rest of the evening was rather uneventful. We ate, we shared our wishes and talked for most of the time. I loved that part of the year. Unfortunately, not everything was in perfect order. Ana wasn't okay. I felt it clearly. I saw she was absent-minded and she seemed to drift away all the time. She wasn't responding to what I was saying to her, or she talked to me after a few seconds and it was very unsettling.

"Don't be too pushy on her today, I don't think she's fine." I told my Mum. I wish I knew what caused the fall. I wasn't sure if Ana knew where she was. My family saw that too and they stopped engaging her conversation. She became invisible. I checked up on her once in a while, but all I got was "I'm okay." I always expected her to be truthful and I was really disappointed that she didn't trust me. My brother checked up on her and told me, there was no need to go to hospital.

"Maybe she'll be better in the morning. She had a long week, with all the flu. Maybe she was just exhausted." I told Mother to calm her down. She was genuinely concerned and I wanted to make her feel better.

"Hopefully, it's nothing serious." I smiled a bit to reassure her.

"Ana will be fine. You know you surprised me, normally you're the first of us who starts winter break." She was very organised and she usually finished working around 22nd.

"Not my fault. Leila's, and I wanted peaceful Christmas so she had to come for a while." By words I would expect irritation, but Mum said it casually like it was all okay. I hated if something happened last minute and I had no control over it.

It was late when we left. My brother's family was staying with us and in the morning we were heading for breakfast. Ana was silent. She hasn't said anything and I was more and more concerned.

* * *

When we reached home,I saw she slightly relaxed and smiled. Her eyes were empty though. I've never seen her like this. It was worse than just being sad. I felt like she wasn't here with me.

"How are you feeling?" She came to me for a hug and I heard she started crying. I didn't want to upset her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to spoil the evening." She said in quiet tone. I was stroking her hair and she couldn't stop crying. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to make things worse, and I didn't know where was the line.

"It wasn't your fault, Ana. It's okay. What's happening baby?" At first I thought she didn't hear me, because she didn't respond right away.

"I thought I saw something. I couldn't stop it. I saw her… she was bleeding… and I couldn't do anything to save her." I had no idea what she was talking about.

"No one was bleeding, Ana…" It felt like I was talking to someone else. "I don't understand. Talk to me." I've never seen her so vulnerable. I held her until she stopped crying. I took care of her and put her to bed. She didn't protest or said a word. She was just accepting what was coming to her. I stayed with her until she was asleep. I wasn't sure if we'd go to my parents' in the morning.

I took a shower and made sure my brother's family had everything they needed. I didn't know what to do. I knew I had to call someone but I wasn't sure who could help her. I shouldn't have done it but I took out Ana's phone. I unlocked it and looked for Kate. She was under Kavanagh-G and I was sure it was her. From time to time Ana called her 'Kavanagh inquisition'. I didn't want to interrupt any family affairs but I was worried about Anastasia.

She answered after second signal.

"Hello." I knew there was three hours earlier so I didn't feel guilty for calling in the middle of the night.

"It's Mick, Ana's boyfriend. Is this a bad time?" I asked politely. I wasn't exactly sure if Kate and I get along. I knew she remembered me.

"Not at all. It's nice you're calling. How are you doing?" I heard enthusiasm in her voice. I wanted to say that everything was fine, but I couldn't do it. That would be a lie, and I hated lying.

"I wish I could say it was fine. I'm calling for a reason."

"Okay, what is it? Is Ana okay?" I wish she was.

"Ana fainted today and she's been acting odd ever since. She stopped talking to me. She said she saw blood and that she could do nothing to save her. Do you know what she might have been talking about? I'm worried." If anyone knew something like that about Ana, it was Kate. There was one more person who probably could give me some information, but I'd never call him. He was out of the question.

"I'm not sure. I remember only one situation that might fit what you're saying. She told me that when we were still living in Seattle, though it was when she already moved out. She was alone in the apartment. She told me that once, a woman tried to commit suicide in front of her. She slit her wrists and there was nothing she could do to stop her or help the girl. I tried to convince her that it wasn't her fault. She still thinks she's guilty." It shocked me that she had to experience something so traumatic. It's not something you get over quickly. She's had so much pain in her life.

"I had no idea. She never mentioned anything like this."

"She hasn't told us about plenty of things. Keep me posted. If you need me to come, I'll be there as fast as I can." It meant a lot to me to her her declaration. I knew I wasn't alone. I thought I'd wait a few days and if I don't have other choice, I'd call her to come. I checked Ana's calendar and saw that she had another appointment after New Year. I doubted of there was a possibility of an emergency session unless Kate's brother had time. I had to consider all options.

* * *

I saw she was struggling and all I wanted was to make her feel better.

In the morning Ana was responding to what I was saying but it wasn't her usual behaviour. She was on autopilot. She took a shower, brushed her hair, brushed her teeth, and got dressed in another casual dress. She looked a bit better but she seemed totally indifferent.

"If you don't want to go, I'll stay with you." I saw she was anxious. She was considering what I'd just said.

"I'll be fine, Mick. I want to go there with you." She wasn't looking me in the eye, so I gently took her chin up to see those sad blue eyes. "I want this. I'll do my best. I'll act like nothing happened." She said in robotic voice. She wasn't like my Ana at all. I didn't understand why she felt the need to act. If something bothered her, she could just tell me about it. I would listen whatever she wanted to say.

"We can just talk if you want. Just tell me what's going on." Something in her changed again. She smiled shyly and her posture and mimique changed. It was almost like she put on a mask. If I hadn't known her for a while, I would have thought that the crisis was gone. I wasn't that stupid to believe that.

At my parents' apartment she said polite hello and apologised for being a bit out the previous day.

"For things like that, you do not apologise." Mum was glad to see her in a good mood today. Cole gave her Barry who was extremely excited to meet someone new. Ana liked children. I remembered she was always talking about Ava, Kate's daughter with fondness.

"Thanks." She played with Barry and spent a while with every member of my family. They were absolutely taken with her. First look would give an impression that everything is great. She couldn't fool me. I saw it wasn't always easy, but as she said to me, she was doing her best.

Whatever was on her mind, it was seriously bothering her.

I appreciated the fact she was doing that for me, but I couldn't stand by and look how she suffered.

"Why do you look so tense?". My Dad asked her, despite knowing the answer.

"I'm worried about what happened yesterday. She feels bad after yesterday's incident." He didn't know her as I did, but he knew how it feels to be worried about someone. With me and my brothers, he had a really hard time.

"She's trying to keep everything inside." I knew it. I knew it was worse than letting emotions out.

"Bottling up can do no good. It won't help her." I felt like I lost her and I had to get through to her, somehow…

I was thinking about our future and it was a blur. Every day was so vulnerable. So many things could go right or wrong. Two days ago I heard her talking to Grey. It was just a friendly chat, not even a hint of something else, and I was mad. I knew I couldn't interfere. I had no right to do that. I was worried he'd hurt her again. I didn't want that for her. Ana was keeping her mask on until we reached home. She went back to withdrawn mode and I could barely look at her in that condition.

"Did you enjoy it at all?" It sounded harsher than I intended and I had to change the tone. "How can I help you?"

"I'm fine. It was the best Christmas in years, thanks to you." She was being truthful, but I saw she was struggling again to stop herself from crying.

"I want to know what's eating you up. Try to trust me." I sent her to our bedroom and went to her favourite tea.

"It's something I have to figure out on my own." I could feel her struggle and hesitation if she should tell me or not.

"You're not alone. I'll try to help you if you give me a chance. I talked to Kate, she told me you once saw someone killing herself in your apartment. Why do you feel guilty about it? You probably did all you could."

"You shouldn't call her. It was long ago. Your Mum's assistant remided me of her and I couldn't control it. It took seconds." She hid her face and I spent the rest of the day on talking about my family.

"You don't need to put on a mask when you're with me or my family. I love you anyway." I thought that would calm her down but I was wrong. It did no good.

"I can't believe it. It's just not possible. She was right as well, I was just another number." I was alarmed on that. I couldn't put it anywhere in time and space, but I had to do something to solve it. I texted Kate when Ana calmed down.

" _I think, I'm going to need your help." M._

" _I'll be there ASAP" K._

* * *

Liked it? Share your opinions ;)

~M


	16. I'll be good

**_Hello, I'm posting chapter 16._**  
 ** _Thank you for all the support and enjoy the chapter.  
~M_**

* * *

Chapter 16

Ana's POV

I was empty inside. I didn't know what I want. I didn't know what to do. Memories flooded me and there was no escape from the past. I saw her blood and felt that fear and panic over again. I thought that was over me, it wasn't.

I was trying to be okay in front of others. I could say I had some training in hiding my emotions. I could stop myself from exposing too much. I had to do that to feel as okay as possible. Mick wasn't saying much. He knew something was wrong, but I didn't want to talk to him. It was something I haven't talked about to anyone in years. It was my problem, nobody else's.

It all needed to stop. I was too tired. I was avoiding Mick as much as possible, which was rather hard because we lived together. I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have reacted in the way I did. I wasn't even sure if that was her. I looked her up but got nothing useful.

Probably Mick thought he was helping me, but in my opinion, calling Kate wasn't the best idea. I didn't want her to come. I could manage it on my own. I didn't need a babysitter.

"She knows you best, you should talk to her." He was trying to encourage me, but I knew it was wrong.

"I don't want her here. I want to be alone." He gently put his hands on my shoulders, looked at me and spoke calmly.

"You don't want to be alone. You're afraid of being alone. I'm not going anywhere and you're not calling your friend to cancel. I want you to tell me more about the situation. Kate mentioned you saw someone committing suicide. You were referring to that the other day, weren't you?" I nodded, unable to speak. She was so vulnerable and devastated. I couldn't have stopped her. It was too late to save her.

"The girl looked like that one? You know you can't blame yourself for that. It wasn't your fault. You tried all you could to save her." I let the tears flow. I wasn't controlling myself. I never let that out, until now.

"I'm sorry. I'll talk to my Doctor about it as soon as I can."

"I hope so. Do you need anything?" He stood up. Thinking about the hour he was probably going for some coffee.

"If you're making coffee, I want one too and… Could you give me the number to your Mum?" He took his phone out of his pocket and found the number. He passed it to me and left to the kitchen. I put the number in my phone. I knew it was wrong to do that, but I checked his recent texts. I wasn't sure what I would find there but I couldn't resist. Our mobile phones say a lot more about us, than we give them credit for.

I wasn't sure how to react to the messages I read. There wasn't anything bad about me, or inappropriate. I just wasn't expecting it to be like this. I thought he was mad at me for what happened and all I could read was that he was worried, and he doesn't know what to do.

I got the coffee and felt that pleasant warmth.

"When is Kate coming?"

"Tomorrow. You're not telling her not to come. If you don't want to talk to me, you need to talk someone who knows what is bothering you.

"I'm not sure if that's what I should do. I can't change the past."

"But you can learn to accept it and finally move on."

* * *

Christian's POV

Kate answered the phone when we had a small meeting. She excused us and told us Ana was calling. I was instantly on alert. I wanted to hear what they were talking about. I heard her voice not so long ago and I missed her already. I was trying to pay attention to what Ethan was saying to me, but I was far more focused on Kate's conversation.

"Suicide in her apartment." I stood up and followed Kate to know more details. Elliot knew about my past relationship with Ana and it looked like he felt a bit sorry for me. There was no reason, I fucked it up, but I apologised and to some extent I was forgiven. Although forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. Only time can heal some wounds. I waited until she finished the call. I saw she was worried and I didn't know what was going on.

"That didn't sound like Christmas wishes."

"It was Mick, not Ana. She isn't well. She had a panic attack and she keeps talking about a suicide. He'll let me know when she gets better." I nodded, unsure about it. When I talked to her, she seemed fine. Hopefully, I didn't upset her. She called me, not the other way round.

"What suicide? Did something happen? Did she try to…?" I didn't want to finish. I couldn't imagine that happening.

"I guess it was the situation that happened when she was still in Seattle. There was a time, when she was barely talking to me and didn't invite me to her apartment. A woman slit her wrists in front of Ana, in her apartment. Could you believe that?" I could. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. When I saw blood everywhere and devastated Anastasia, it was hard for me to maintain control. I had to think clearly at that time and sort the priorities correctly. First, I made sure Leila was taken to hospital and got help, and later I checked up on Anastasia. That was the day when I saw she was broken. It was too much, but she still tried to be strong.

"Do you remember when exactly?"

"Two or three months before she moved out." It was about that situation, nothing else. Part of me was relieved, but the other was absolutely petrified.

"Fuck. I need to talk to her." Kate looked at me in disbelief and disgust. I couldn't blame her, but I knew it wasn't my fault Leila was in that condition. She lost her husband and she was absolutely abandoned and depressed. She came to me because she needed help. Nothing else.

"You know about it, don't you?" There was no point in denying.

"I'll never forget that. It happened right where we're standing right now. Ana was alone in here that day. She saved her, and it wasn't her fault, or mine." Then happened the last thing I could expect to hear from Kate.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Mick will keep me informed."

I stayed up almost till the morning. I couldn't sleep. I haven't thought about Leila for about two years. I checked up on her when she was seeing the doctors and if she had any bad time. I paid for her education to keep her busy and to set her mind on something specific. It wasn't active in her life in anyway. I never went to see her or talked to her in person. I always limited myself to e-mails and sometimes I got info from her doctors. She let me have information on her results and I appreciated the trust she had in me at that time. I stopped having any updates on her since I was sure she was safely on her own. It wasn't much, but it was all I could do. She could be a friend to me, but I wanted to keep that part of my life separate.

My family has been supportive for most of the time. My Mum didn't feel comfortable around me for some time. I understood she had to digest the situation in her own pace. I never wanted to hurt her or let her down, and yet, I was continuously doing so. It wasn't their fault they didn't protect me. It was all on me. When I got a text from Kate, I wasn't hesitating any second. I had to make sure Anastasia was okay and to help her. I didn't want to disappoint her again.

I wasn't sure how to deal with that situation. I didn't want to wait helplessly for information. I hated the fact she lived on the other coast. _If it wasn't for me, that would never happen._ These thoughts were so unwelcome and so unsettling. Then I got the text from Kate.

"I'm going there." For me it was obvious, I was going there with her.

* * *

Ana's POV

I tried being nice when Kate came but she immediately told me to cut the crap. I had to notice that Mick was kind of impressed by her.

"Ok, don't want nice, so good bye. I didn't tell you to come." I wanted to slap myself for saying this, but I couldn't take them back.

"I'm here anyway. I'm taking you out and we're going to talk. In private." Mick just shrugged and left us alone.

"Steele, I hate seeing you like this."

"I know. Didn't plan it. I know how to make things right. I know what happened and I have to face it, alone." I got Leila's phone. I was going to call her, to pay her a visit. I never had a chance to talk to her. I didn't really know who she was. All I knew, was that she tried to commit suicide and that she was Christian's ex. That wasn't enough. I needed to know more. She opened my eyes that day.

"First, I think you need to apologise to your boyfriend. He's been worried like crazy, but I'm glad he called me, and kind of disappointed you did not. How are you feeling? Honestly, please…" I sighed exhausted. I could trust her, Kate wasn't here to hurt me. I was too harsh on her, on Mick, pretty much on everyone else as well.

"I guess you're right. I have to see her." We sat on the couch and I told her everything that happened and how it affected me. I had to face that one final piece of the puzzle to be finally free.

"Do you want me to come with you?" I shook my head. I had to do this alone. It was still early enough so I took my phone and dialled Leila's number.

"Hello." She answered politely. It wasn't the voice I remembered.

"Hello, I got the number from Mrs. Dawes. I'm Anastasia Steele and I need to talk to you. It's important." I didn't know how to put it in another way. I was stressed as hell. What if she said she didn't want to see me.

"Okay, how about a coffee tomorrow?" I wasn't sure if a café was a good idea.

"I'd prefer somewhere more private." It wasn't the best weather for a walk, but maybe that was a better solution.

"Do I know you?" I didn't know how to answer that. I actually didn't know her at all.

"I saw you when I was at the Dawes family. You remind me of someone I met a while ago." In the end we decided on a café because she didn't feel too well when it was that cold.

* * *

Kate stayed over. There wasn't any space left so she spent the night on the couch. Mick's brother's family was leaving in the morning, so it would be better, but we could survive without any problems one night.

I hated being in a hurry. Mick took me there and he spent the morning with his brother's family. I was before Leila. I would recognise her in a second. I could never forget her face. When entered the café. I came greet her. I was scared as hell, but there was no turning back.

"It's nice to see you again Ms. Williams."

"Ms. Steele." She shook my hand. She seemed very nice and she was smiling like she was happy to meet me. We sat at the table and I ordered my second coffee. I needed to be conscious.

"You said it was important, Ms. Steele. You look like there was something bothering you." I nodded, not sure what I really wanted.

"I didn't expect it to be so hard. I just needed to see you and to be sure you're okay." It hit me, how much it sounded like the words Christian said to me when I agreed to see him. Funny how history likes to repeat itself.

"Why wouldn't I be? Christmas was hard and exhausting but I'm back at home. A lot of work to do and never enough time. How is Joanne?" I was still so focused on the conversation I had with Christian that day.

"Excuse me? She's fine. Told me to say hi when I get to see you."

"That's nice. Thanks. She's demanding, but she's someone I really like." Yeah, me too. She was like a second mother to me.

"I understand the feeling." We talked for several minutes about our occupations and started some silly topics. She seemed really easy-going and friendly. I almost forgot why I wanted to see her. She looked happy. I didn't want to ruin that.

"I know it might sound weird to you… and please… don't get it wrong… you don't know me?" I asked that because either she was a very good actress, or she didn't remember me. Suddenly I felt a bit guilty. Maybe I shouldn't remind her of that traumatic time.

"Not really. I saw you at the party and that's it. We haven't worked together for sure…" I didn't know how to put it.

"I'm from Seattle. That was where I saw you." She smiled although that smile seemed a little sad. It was dark time for her.

"Haven't been there for years and not going anytime soon. Too many memories." She looked down and I wasn't sure what she was thinking about.

"I think I know how you feel. However, in my case I feel like Seattle is haunting me." The tension could be cut with knife.

"You seem upset. What is it?"

"Nothing really, it's actually great to see you like this, smiling, happy, the last image I had of you was rather hard." She looked at me worried. She probably tried to link me somewhere in the past but couldn't put me anywhere.

"I was depressed at that time, I don't remember much."

"I guessed so. Thanks for your time. It was really great. I'd like to repeat it someday if you'd like." I forced a delicate smile. I wanted to get to know her, her life and how she coped with all traumatic events that happened to her.

"Sure. I don't know what's happening but there's something you want to say, and I don't know if I should be worried or scared." There was no reason to pretend that I was okay.

"The last time I saw you… you slit your wrists in front of me… and I needed to see you. I'm sorry for bringing this up." I managed not to cry. I put the mask of indifference again. It was my only defence right now. Shock was obvious on her face.

"You were right, we should talk in private." I paid at the counter and followed Leila. She wasn't talking anymore, but she seemed calm and peaceful, or maybe she was also wearing a mask. We walked two blocks and we went to her apartment. She shared it with her sister and it was visible how different they were from each other.

We sat at the table and the mood changed. I saw how calm she was and thanks to her I relaxed as well.

"I don't know what to say Anastasia. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly then. It must have been very hard for you." I told her how much it bothered me. I knew I could trust her. We had more in common than we originally thought.

"When I saw you that day, I lost control. Everything came back to me and I felt like I was punched in the face."

"I get it. But I don't think that's a good idea for us to talk about it. You were with Grey, right? I was absolutely convinced it was Mrs. Jones who called 911." I rolled my eyes at that remark. I wasn't Mrs. Jones.

"It doesn't matter now. It's in the past for a long time now." I didn't have to explain. She muttered, I understand. Then somebody knocked.

"I'm not expecting anyone today." She went to open the door. I didn't have to look to know who that was. _I'll kill Kate when I get her._

"Leila, I know it's not a good time, and that I should call you or anything, but I need your help." He said in one breath.

"You're right Mr. Grey. It's not a good time." She let him in and I saw how he stopped when he noticed me.

"Hi Christian. You know I'll kill Kate and Mick after that?"

* * *

 _Okay :)_  
 _Let me know if you enjoyed it and till the next time._  
 _~M_


	17. What does the future hold?

_**Hello:**_  
 _ **Massive apology for not updating. By the end of July, the story will be finished. Finally...**_

 _ **For now, thank you for support and motivation and all the feedback I got. Now on with the chapter,**_  
 _ **Enjoy ~M**_

* * *

Chapter 17

APOV

Saying I was mad, would wrong. I felt like a total idiot. I was confused. I would never expect that Kate would do such a thing. How could she? I could handle him without major problems.

"I'm not even asking what you're doing here." I liked to see him off track.

"It's not like that, Ana. Kate was upset and when I found out the reason I was just worried." I knew he was, but it didn't seem right to me. I agreed to try being his friend, I didn't want to involve him too much in my life. I knew it would be wrong for Mick and he didn't deserve that.

"I know, I get it, but Christian… I've come here on my own. I spoke with Leila. I managed to do it without you, because it wasn't your fucking fault, or mine, or Leila's. It just happened, and we can't change it." I saw the hesitation. He didn't know how to act. I was speaking in a calm, slow voice, although I was screaming inside. Leila was impressed by the way I acted, and I didn't quite understand why. There was nothing special about it.

"Mr. Grey, if you don't mind, we can talk tomorrow. I think I need to spend more time with Ana." He looked at her and at me, nodded with understanding and turned to leave.

"I'm still a bit mad. I'll call you later if you're fine with it." I didn't like the look I got, there was something I couldn't name. I didn't want to think about it too much, but it was there.

"He's always had perfect timing." Leila concluded. For a few seconds we were lost in thoughts. I didn't expect him to come here again. Especially like this. Why did Kate tell him about what happened during Christmas? I understand Mick contacted her. I didn't want to admit it but it was very kind of him. He needn't have done it.

"You seem very at ease with him. The way you talk to him, the way he talks to you. He was never like that with me." I didn't know how to answer to that statement. It was also hard for me to be more confident, but it was essential for me to get over some of my issues.

"It just looks like that. I was no different than you. In every way… "

"He loves you." I felt like somebody punched me in the face. He couldn't love me, that would be wrong.

"No, he doesn't. He never did, and never will. I don't want him in my life like this. I let him hurt me. I don't know if I want to go back to the beginning." I wanted to blame him for what happened to me although I was well aware that I was the right person to blame. I shouldn't have said yes, at that time, and I can't change the past. If it wasn't for Leila, I would've lost myself in that relationship. She opened my eyes. "Thanks to you, I could make the decision to leave, and you have no idea how a good idea it was."

"I came to see him back then because he was the only person who wouldn't leave me in the end. I knew I could count on him, that he'd save me. But it was you. I didn't want to upset you by this. It will be okay. He's here because he cares, don't be too mad at Dawes and your friend. They want the best for you. And if you want to talk, I'll be there." I felt like something was going back to the right place. It was like the last puzzle was in the right space.

"Thanks. It is good to see you happy. Hopefully Christian won't be acting like a jerk when he sees you again. He can be very intense at times." This time I knew I was stronger and that it was possible for me to start again.

"I'm serious about what I said. He loves you, and he cares about you. After all this time…"

"Just stop it. He can't love me, just like he couldn't love you, or any other woman."

I left the building and saw Christian waiting for me. I managed to smile. At first it was rather stiff, but I somehow chilled down.

"So, you know what happened." I turned into the direction I came from and he followed me.

"I didn't know it affected you so much. That after all this time it hurt so bad. I'm so fucking sorry." I slowed down a bit. I wanted to sort all the shit out.

"I told you before, it wasn't your fault. It was just kind of a shock for me and I wanted to sort it out and move on. On my own." I stressed every word." I didn't need you to come. Kate would be enough.

"I decided it would be a good opportunity to talk to Leila as well. I've never directly contacted her since she was hospitalised, and I stop being posted about two years ago.

"I see. I won't stop you." I took out my phone to ask Mick to pick me up. I sent him where I'd be waiting and started walking in that direction. Christian hasn't left my side.

"Ana… please… Can you stop ignoring me?" I turned to look at him and I understood he was talking to me the whole time. I didn't hear a word. I was thinking about what Leila said and I wanted to push it away as far as possible.

"I'm not. I just need to be alone and process everything, alone. Believe me, it's impossible with Kate, Mick, and you. I'm suffocating, and I need it all to stop." I was close and I saw Mick's car.

"I'll keep in touch, but for now I need some space again."

* * *

CPOV

I saw her walk away from me again and I was totally powerless. I was genuinely worried about Ana's reaction with Leila. Since that day, I lost her and that was the moment where there was no way out from our situation. I didn't see how serious outcomes might occur because of my decisions. I knocked to Leila's door and she let me in. The mugs were still on the table and it looks as if she was cooking something not so long ago, because everything smelled like spinach.

"Is this a better time?" She smiled shyly, and I knew that it was a force of the habit.

"Slightly. You came to see me because of her." I nodded. There was no point in lying. If it wasn't for Ana, I wouldn't even know where she lived. I should never totally close any relationships. Except for toxic ones, like with Elena. That one should be dealt with and cut off a few years ago.

"Not only because of Anastasia. I felt guilty for what happened and I felt the need to see by myself if everything is on the right track." She was listening to me like she wanted to make sure she was hearing the right words. Yes, I got soft. It happens.

"I'm fine. More than fine actually. It would never be possible without your help. You could've left me or sue me for trespassing, but you chose to help me. It meant a lot to me. Up until today I was sure it was Mrs. Jones who called 911. It turned out she was there to give me another chance.

"She's been always like that. Selfless and kind." I closed my eyes and I thought about that dawn we spent in the car.

"Yeah. She's special to you. I've never expected to live to the day to see Christian Grey in love." I tried to fake a smile, but I failed miserably.

"It doesn't matter. I lost my chance when I left her." It was the sad truth. I had to let her go and let her be happy with Dawes. She deserved better than me.

"She misses you. She had real feelings for you. In my case it was different. Sure, I was disappointed at first, but it was before I developed any serious feelings. We were seeing each other for only five months. I knew I'd be okay."

"I should let her go and stop running after her." She rolled her eyes as if I was a total idiot.

"She's afraid of being hurt, that's understandable. In my opinion she's trying hard to give you some space from her life. She gives some of her time to you, appreciate the effort." I was also putting a lot of effort in all this. It wasn't easy for me, but I wasn't known to back down in most important matters.

I would do anything humanly possible to finally win her back.

* * *

APOV

Another month passed, and I felt very sorry for Mick. I knew I crossed the line when I decided to keep the info about Christian in Boston. That was when I understood what I was going to do. I was analysing plenty of arguments for and against and I realised I would've left sooner or later. I had to do it as long as I was capable to stick to my decision.

It wasn't his fault. It was totally on me. I should never let him so close and see me so vulnerable. He brought me back to life and now I was seriously thinking about leaving him. There was one truth: I didn't love him.

I was packing my things and sending them to Paula. I asked them if I could move in with them for a month or so, until I find something for myself. Josh was disappointed a bit but he was trying very hard to support me. It was like that because he was the last person I informed about my plans.

He knew it was coming. I was distant and cold. I didn't let him touch me, I was thinking about what I was doing, and part of me felt like I was making one of the biggest mistakes in my life.

We didn't have many common things, I left everything at the house. I took the labels off in the kitchen I was leaving as if I never came. I cut my hair so it barely reached my collarbones. I shouldn't be in any relationship to solve my insecurities. I shouldn't hurt Mick more than I already have.

Mick was listening to me carefully and he didn't stop me even once. I told him everything I felt during our relationship and how much I appreciated him. He's done more for me than any person on Earth, and for some part it didn't felt right. My mind was stubborn at that point. There was no other point than leaving.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore. I would've done it sooner or later, probably… and I feel so bad about doing it, but I know the longer I'll stay, the longer it'll hurt for both of us. You were the best that happened to me and it's something I'll never forget."

"You're saying this like you were never about to see me again, Ana. It was special for me as well. I want you to be happy and that's all I can do. I have to let you go." That moment was hard. I could see he was on the edge and he was holding on the rest of energy he had. I was acting mechanically so I wouldn't miss any detail from that conversation.

"I feel like a terrible person." I was a mess. I was thinking about turning the words back and trying to turn it into a joke, but I had no chance in succeeding.

"Before I met you, Josh told me not to get attached. I failed, but I don't regret it. Whatever happens, I still want to be the part of your life, as you managed to cope with Josh, if it's possible of course." I nodded and he kissed me for, as it felt the last time. I had no right to constantly hurt him. I needed to give him a chance to be happy, but with someone who deserves someone like him. It surely wasn't me.

* * *

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	18. Find the way

_Hello,_  
 _I'm posting another chapter._  
 _Have a nice day and enjoy :)_

 _~M_

* * *

Chapter 18

APOV

It wasn't the easiest time in my life, but I knew it could be way worse. I stayed with Josh and Paula only for two weeks. I didn't want to abuse their hospitality. I knew Josh didn't quite approve of what I did, yet anyway kept supporting me. Finally, he admitted it would've ended that way anyway.

I was confused about the future because it was another time when nothing was certain. I found a small flat on the outskirts and quickly moved out. I knew I had good friends and that I could rely on them. I was really lucky to have true friends.

"I'll miss having you around." Paula told me when we took out the last box.

"You're going to miss me cooking. I've been through that once. They managed just fine and so will you." I smiled at the thought of Kate and Elliot. They had no idea what was happening in my life and I wanted to be sure of my decision to let them know about the changes. My Mom visited me in February and she was disappointed that she didn't manage to meet my boyfriend. She felt guilty that over the years I saw her once a year, but I was fine with that. She had Bob and he was her family now. Besides, I wasn't overly family person. My Mum was to extraverted for my tastes. She spent a week with me. During the day I was at work and she could visit as many places as possible and in the evenings, we went out together and had fun in many different ways.

I was quite used to my new routine. I was working, I was contacting my friends, I had time for reading and I felt like I could manage with whatever might happen. I even made friends with Leila and her sister Sarah. They were quite cool, and I could change the image of Leila from my head with the way she really was. Mick was also there. By wanting him as a friend, I meant it and he knew it. I was afraid that our first meeting might be awkward, but it was fine. We were both polite and didn't feel like there was something in the air. The decision was logical, and I knew Mick accepted the fact I left. I didn't want to ask Josh about any details though. I was spending most of my evenings alone and for the majority of time I was fine by that. Whenever I felt sad I knew I had friends who would come over or cheer me up on the phone.

There was one thing that I constantly pushed to the back of my mind. Christian. He was appearing more and more often in my thoughts and I knew that something had to be done about that. Since that day outside of Leila's apartment, he hadn't tried to contact me. I asked him to give me some space and he accepted that. I could barely believe it was possible. Still, I told him I would let him know, when I'm ready to talk to him and I knew it would be good for us to spend some time together. He couldn't love me, but I knew I still had some feelings for him left. I just wasn't sure if I wanted to wake them up. I didn't want to take the risk and to be left out again.

* * *

CPOV

"You do know you're annoying, right?" I asked my brother for the tenth time today although I wasn't mad at all. He was so happy about becoming a father again that I couldn't blame him. It was amazing to see another member of the family and to see Elliot like this. He was so proud and so happy that he radiated with joy. It was infectious, and I got it too.

"I do but I don't give a damn. You seem good too, little bro." He shook my hand enthusiastically and I wished I could hug him, but something stopped me.

"Thanks, Lelliot. Congrats to Kate as well." I went back home and had a cold shower. Nobody was waiting for me. I gave Mrs. Jones a night off. I knew I wouldn't need her, so she could go visit her sister or family earlier than usual.

I was tempted to call Anastasia almost every day. And I stopped myself from doing that. She said she'd call. I had to trust her. It was so irritating she lived so far away, but I made her leave in the first place. I couldn't complain about it now. She was haunting me in my sleep, but I had to suck it up.

My days were all the same and I was seriously thinking about moving to Northeast but thanks to Flynn I reconsidered that idea and I knew he was right. It would be absolutely unnecessary.

One boring Tuesday I got an email from Ana. I remembered she was always more straightforward in writing than in person. I felt relieved that it didn't mean she wanted me out of her life. _Yes!_ We were on the basis of talking again.

 _Hey,  
I know it's been a while. It's just… I had a lot on my plate lately and I couldn't find the right to contact you. Sorry for not calling. I wanted to sort some of my shit out. Let me know if when you have some time to talk, probably you're still at work and I don't want to interrupt. Have a good day, Ana. _

I didn't know how to feel after I read that message. I knew Ana was often busy at work, but it seemed like there was something more important she had to manage. She never wanted to interrupt me in anything. I wanted to be well prepared to answer her, so I decided to answer her when I get home.

She was always on my mind for the past months. And to think that it was over a half a year since I was obsessed with her on a level I still don't understand. I missed her so much.

I was in my study at home and I was looking at the photo of her graduation. It's been five years and we were both different people today. I called her, and she answered after third signal.

"Hey, how are you?"

"Good. Thanks for talking to me again." I heard she stifled laugh. "I didn't think I said something funny."

"You're right you didn't. I'm just in a good mood today."

"Any particular reason?" I wanted to know as much as possible.

"Not really. I was throwing out most of my things today. Lots of unpacking and I felt like I would start my spring cleaning earlier." I hated cleaning, I had no idea why she felt enthusiastic about it.

"That's nice. You two were moving somewhere?" There was silence on the other side and I wasn't sure if the call wasn't over. "Ana?"

"I'm here. We're not moving anywhere. Mick and I broke up a while ago." I should be ecstatic, but I wasn't. I was just shocked. I knew she was happy around him and I knew he was good for her, better than I could ever be.

"Oh… I'm really sorry. I didn't know. How are you feeling?" I was worried of what might have happened that led to breakup.

"It's okay. I'm okay too. Tell me how's life in Seattle?" Ana was happy to hear all the family news and hearing the news of Kate being pregnant again. I was surprised she didn't know it before me. I was used to the fact that she was one step ahead of me.

"So, as you can hear, almost everything is normal." Silence again. I wished she was here.

"I miss you, Christian." It was said so quietly, that for a few seconds I felt like it was only my imagination. When I was sure those words were actually spoken by her I replied.

"I miss you too. I'll come for the weekend if you want." I had plenty of work during the week, but I could spend two days with her, if only she said the words.

"Okay. I'll be there." She hung up and suddenly I felt hope, that maybe there is a slight chance of reaching out to her.

* * *

For the rest of the week I was impatient and irritated with everything. I wanted to be on the plane and to finally see her again. I didn't say anything to Elliot because he would tell Kate and she would tell me multiple times not to do it. I wanted to avoid my beloved family.

My relationship with my parents was becoming better but it was still hard. They've forgiven me, but they were deeply hurt, and I didn't know how to make things better. Elena was in prison and she was out of my life. I wasn't her only victim. It was hard that my parents knew about the most protected part of my life and I felt vulnerable. I didn't care that much about what people say. However, I've always cared about my parents' opinion. It was always very important for me.

Anastasia texted me her address and I found myself at her front door. I didn't spend much time with her on her terms and I regretted that, because I wasn't exactly sure what to expect at that time.

I knocked and after few seconds, the door opened, and she let me in. I was looking at her in disbelief. She cut her hair and I didn't like it. It was too short. I loved it long, not like this. Except for the hair, she looked very good. She was dressed in jeans and loose t-shirt. It was still new for me she was wearing glasses.

"Good to see you again. You don't look satisfied though." I looked at her with a disapproval.

"I had them cut a while ago. You like it?" I knew that if I lied she wouldn't be fine by it. I shook my head.

"Not at all. You look better with longer. Nevermind, it's just hair and my personal opinion. Don't listen to me. I'm happy to see you. Truly happy." She smiled at me and I knew she was satisfied with the answer. I wasn't sure why I acted this way, force of habit, I supposed. I looked around the flat. It was very small and looked like no one lived here. There were several boxes in the corner and there were no trinkets or decorations. The walls were bare, and the room seemed very cold and unwelcoming. It almost felt like it was my apartment, although it was my space. This was hers and it felt odd.

"I made lasagne, hungry?" I liked her cooking and I wanted to try it again. I followed her and observed her work. We took the plates to the room. She placed her plate on the floor and took a blanket. I followed her and felt like a student. I asked her on the phone if she wanted any wine, but she firmly declined.

We ate in a comfortable atmosphere. It felt so warm and kind and friendly of her. I couldn't get enough.

"Thanks a lot." I washed the dishes and I joined her on the couch. I wanted to touch her, but I didn't have her permission. I didn't want to cross any line. She was setting the limits this time and I wanted to respect that although it was so fucking hard.

"I missed you Anastasia." I reached out to her gently, but she moved away.

"Yeah. I missed you too, no matter how much I was telling myself to stop. It's been a while since we had a day like this." I couldn't remember a day like this. I was genuinely enjoying myself and that was because I was with her.

"It was very nice, I liked it." She smiled shyly, and I was confused what was on her mind. "I don't know it it's a good thing and time to ask, but was it as a friend? Or as something more?" I saw confusion and fear in her eyes. I wanted to take the words back, but it was too late. She stood up and looked on the floor like it was the most interesting thing in the room.

"I don't know if anything more is possible in our case." I wanted to assure her, that she mattered to me, that I loved her, but I was to weak. I wasn't sure if she would believe me. For the past months I was trying to convince her that she mattered for me and the way acted was wrong, that it wasn't her fault.

"I believe it is. Look at us, today and for the past months. We can do better this time. We have more experience. We know more about one another. We can do it, gradually. I want you back Anastasia, if you want the same too?" I was risking at that point, but it would've come up at one point.

"I can't be the person you want. I tried and I failed."

"You were good, I wasn't. I won't make the same mistake again. Besides, I never said I want my sub back. I want you. I want my girlfriend back." I was waiting for her reaction, uncertain what was going to happen next. She looked at me like she wasn't sure if she was with the right person in the room.

"You really care?" I came to her and embraced her in a hug. For the first time I wanted her to touch me. I felt how tensed she was. I held her until she returned it and relaxed in my arms. I was getting closer and I wasn't going to fuck it up.

* * *

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 _~M_


	19. Another step forward

_Hello,_  
 _Thanks for supportive feedback. For the past days I've been working a lot and I'm happy I can finally set the course of the story to that point._

 _Enjoy the chapter and till the next fast update._  
 _~M_

* * *

Chapter 19

CPOV

She didn't let me stay with her and I expected that. It was definitely too early for such a step. I also didn't get a clear answer about us, but these things need time. I had no idea how much I wanted to hug her and comfort her before I finally did it. It was all worth it. I couldn't back down at that point when I was so close.

I was considering finding an apartment in Boston, but I knew Ana wouldn't approve of me spending every day with her. Besides, I knew she wouldn't feel comfortable with me around all the time. We spent our days like we were new and fresh in our relationship. We had a few dates, most of which were terrible because we were both out of our element. We spent time in quiet ways. We went to the movies, she was trying to teach me how to cook and I tried to teach her to dance. It was a total disaster, but at the same time we could say we enjoyed our time together.

I burned up cheese sauce which was super easy to make in Ana's opinion, but not in mine.

"Don't worry. It'll get better next time." I wasn't so sure. It wasn't my thing and I was afraid I would poison us at one point.

"You're going to let me try this again?" She smiled and nodded and came to help me clean the mess and do something else.

"Not today because I'm hungry but maybe soon." I agreed on that. We saw each other every second week and I wanted more than that. Two weekends in a month were too little for me. I was thinking about taking her somewhere next time, but I wasn't sure what to do. Our time was very limited, and it was very annoying.

"You look like you weren't here with me. You're okay?"

"I'm good. I was just thinking that I have too little time with you." Ana sighed and came to me.

"It's not that bad. You live quite far from here and we both have a lot of responsibilities. It's as much normal as we can." She was trying to be a voice of the reason, but her messages told me otherwise. We kept in touch and we knew what was going on in our lives.

"I was thinking about moving to the East permanently." Her eyes widened and I though for a second she would be happy about it, but her reaction was nothing of what I expected. She was carefully choosing the words and I knew it was something important in terms of who we were for each other because it wasn't clearly settled.

"I don't think it's a good idea." I was disappointed, but I didn't want to show it. Maybe she was right. It was too early for big steps.

"I understand. Forget I mentioned it." I smiled and acted like nothing happened for the rest of the day. Ana was talking to me, but I knew my words bothered her. I didn't want to ask for too much.

"Have you bought an apartment yet?" At first, I was surprised at her reaction and the question, but I shook my head right away.

"It was just an idea. I wanted to ask you first." She frowned, and I still couldn't understand her reactions.

"Oh… okay." And everything went better after that. I didn't want to surprise her in things important as this one. She wouldn't like it.

"What's wrong?"

"It's just uncommon of you to ask my opinion you know. I appreciate it." She took my hand and it was one of few gestures she was comfortable with me. I didn't hug her much. It was hard for me, but at the same time I wanted some physical contact.

"Thanks. Look, it's not that I don't want to be around you. I do. As I told you we have other things to do and it is hard." Something pushed me to ask.

"What is 'we' exactly? Believe me when I say I don't know." Ana wasn't sure either because I thought she wasn't going to answer me at all.

"I'm not sure if I know too. I know you're trying to show me you care. I see it. You're not stalking me, that's a progress." She meant to be funny but failed miserably. I respected her privacy, however if we were about to be together I would want more information from her. I wanted to be sure she was okay, and I could do it on her terms… to some extent.

"It wasn't funny at all, but I got the message. I'm serious now Anastasia." She stiffened at the way I called her. "Ana, I'm listening what you want to say."

"I have some feelings for you, but I'm not sure if I want to let them be present in my life. I'm afraid one day you'll just tell me I wasted your time and I don't want it again. If I'm to let you in, I need to be sure you really want it. If you do, then I can do my best as well." _I heard it many times that she didn't trust me, but she gave me the chance to take that risk? Was I going to leave her? No. Was I going to hurt her like the way before? Hell, no._ I was so close.

"Of course, I do. I love you." Her face was suddenly very sad, and I knew there was nothing I could do to cheer her up. I've never felt so vulnerable like I felt when I was with her. She was one of the people who could really hurt me. Her lack of trust hurt, sadness hurt, and I knew it was because of what I did. No one steps twice into the same river. We both changed, and we won't make the same mistake again.

"Don't say it. If I remember correctly, you told me you can't love anyone." Her words felt like a knife in my guts. I couldn't lose control right now.

"I also told you that I'm working on my issues and that you're very important to me. How is it that you don't believe me?"

"I'm trying to believe you. Please tell me you know what you're doing." I wished, but it was impossible.

"I have no idea. I just want you with me." She lay her head on my shoulder to avoid looking at me. I wanted to look her straight in the eyes, but I felt she was processing what I was saying.

"Okay." I heard a quiet answer. I wasn't sure if she'd let me, but I kissed her forehead when she moved away to finally look at me. I was so tired at that time, but I knew it was time for me to get going. We would talk more on the phone and when I finally get to see her again. I turned to leave when she stopped me.

"Can you stay a bit longer today?" It was just a short question, but I felt great about it.

"If you need me to." I couldn't deny her at that point. We didn't do anything special. We were just talking, but I enjoyed it very much. I was sitting on the couch with her head on my knees. I stroked her hair and she was clearly enjoying this as well. It was one of our old memories. I used to do it from time to time when she was good. I decided not to bring it up at that point. Ana looked relaxed and it was more than rewarding for me. I saw her smiling and I wanted to know what was making her smile.

"What is it?"

"I have an idea you might like. I was thinking about moving back to Seattle." I had to be careful at that point. "I had interviews for the past month and I'm on the point of making my final decision. That's why I wasn't enthusiastic with your idea. It would make no sense." Her voice was sleepy, but I was sure she was conscious.

"It's something I didn't quite expect. Just a while ago, you told me it was normal that we didn't have time and now you're telling me you're coming to Seattle?" She moved, so I started stroking her hair again.

"I'm thinking about going back. Although I have a new life and new people around me, I feel like it's the right thing to do. What do you think?" I was beyond the words to express my joy.

* * *

APOV

I made up my mind. I was going back home. My Dad was excited to have me closer again and my Mum didn't mind. We weren't too close. The worst person to tell was Kate, because I had to spend an hour with my phone at the lowest volume to be able to survive her loud voice.

"Finally, Steele. Elliot says it's cool too." I told them about getting back with Christian and they were happy about it. I wasn't sure if it was a good decision, but I wanted to at least try. We decided I would go to them first and there I'll start looking for something. I didn't need much. I decided on the final meeting with my friends, a few days before leaving. During his last visit, Christian helped me with some boxes that weren't even totally unpacked.

I was to lazy to cook so we ordered pizza and had some cheap Russian wine. It was my guilty pleasure, I liked it and hated to admit it.

Josh and Paula set the date and it was six months from now. They weren't planning any party, so they didn't have to look for any venues. I hated all the fuss with the weddings. I was only half sorry I missed Kate's wedding despite being very quiet and unspectacular. Leila also came, but because she was cautious she didn't take her sister with her. Leila's family didn't know about what happened and she wasn't eager to tell them the whole truth. On the other side, Josh and Paula only knew that she was Mick's Mum's assistant and that was enough for them.

"We're going to miss you." Josh said, raising a glass.

"I'm going to miss you guys too. I'll be visiting you from time to time, I'm not gone forever, and communication is easy nowadays."

"That says a woman who needed a week to call back." Paula looked at me stunned and I raised my shoulders helplessly.

"It was the first time it happened. Normally I answer the phone right away. So, off with the accusations." Leila had a good time. She hit it off with my friends and I felt like I was with the right people.

"Josh was trying to say he was worried." Paula as always justified her fiancé.

"I know it, defender." We ate pizza and played board games. I felt like my introvert needed a break from all the attention, but I forced myself to spend as much time with them as possible. It wasn't sure when I was going to see them next.

"So, is it official? You and Grey?" Paula asked innocently, and I knew that I'd have to answer to that question at some point.

"Yes, Elliot's stubbornness finally paid off." I joked. Elliot has been trying to set us up on many occasions totally unaware that we were already involved.

"It's okay. It's great to see you so happy." Josh said in a comforting way. I was happier. I felt like everything was going to be okay. I was scared of the future, but I was doing my best to be optimistic."

"Aww. Thank you. I dare say you also seem good. Engagement suits you."

"Marriage will suit me better." I took Josh to the kitchen for a second because I wanted to ask about Mick, but I didn't want to do it in front of the girls.

"How is he? Have you talked to him recently?" I called him one day to tell him the news and inform him that I was leaving Northeast for good. I thought it would be better if he found out from me than from someone else.

"About a week ago. He's okay. For now, he's distancing himself, but he'll be good. In a month or so, I'll ask him if he's looking for someone."

"Let me know if there's something I should do."

"Sure. I know that I haven't been acting like a friend for some time, but you know I want the best for you?" I nodded. Josh was always a friend to me although our relationship ended long time ago, he never stopped looking out for me and making sure I wasn't hurting more than I already have.

"I know. I also know Mick's your good friend and I feel like I was a shitty friend."

"I'm not complaining. All I'm asking you to do is to be careful and be that awesome strong person you've always been. The rest will be okay someday, I guess." We returned to the rest of the people and we found the girls talking about their work. Leila brought The Queue and we all had a great time. It was the first time I played it and obviously I lost. I liked it though. I needed to get it when I get to Seattle. Maybe it won't be that hard to find online. After two rounds I saw we needed rest, but it was too early to call it a night. I let Josh have some private time with his girl and I did the cleaning before we start to watch a movie. I told them to pick something.

Leila was helping me, and I knew she wanted to talk. She wished me all the best and to keep in touch with her.

"He's a lucky guy to have you. You two will be fine."

* * *

 _Okay :) Liked it? Let me know_  
 _See you tomorrow_  
 _~M_


	20. Back home

_Hello,_  
 _As promised, another fast update. Thanks for all the support and feedback I got :)_  
 _Hopefully you'll enjoy that chapter as well :)_  
 _~M_

* * *

Chapter 20

CPOV

I couldn't imagine that she was going to be here again. It was surreal. My girlfriend was going home, and I intended to make that time special for her. I told her I would pick her up from the airport and that we'd go somewhere nice. My family was ecstatic when I told them I had a girlfriend and they were all eager to meet her. They didn't know about our past. To them Ana was Kate's best friend and adorable girl. They will be happy to see we're seeing each other. All they knew was Elena and about my uncommon interests.

I could be the guy for her. I thought I had the chance of having a normal relationship with her. We had to move on from what we had in the past. I wanted her to be mine again.

Mum was seeing me for lunch, but she couldn't stop talking with excitement about my girlfriend's visit.

"It's the best news I could hope for. I was afraid that after what happened with that woman. I was afraid that you weren't planning to date someone in the near future." I calmed her a bit with that info and I knew she was genuinely happy and she was finally looking at me in the same way I've always remembered.

"Mum, it's not like that. That woman is gone from my life and I don't want you to worry anymore. I'm okay and I'm now with someone special. She'll love you all when she sees you. It's hard not to like her." I smiled and thought back to my last meeting with Anastasia. She didn't like when I was using her full name and I was trying to stop but it was hard at times. She didn't complain verbally but I knew why she didn't like it very much.

"Okay. I can't wait to meet her, and I'll tell your father to be nice. You know what he's been like with all Elliot's girl. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable with us." I thanked her for that because it totally slipped my mind how my Dad acted during family dinners when Elliot's girlfriend or Mia's boyfriend was introduced. My parents have never met any of my subs, but they were aware now that I wasn't living in celibate.

"Yeah, that would be good. Although I think he won't have the reason." I sounded enthusiastic and excited and my Mum felt it as well. She would accept her even if she was a total weirdo for everyone but me. She only wanted us all happy, like a good mother.

"When is she coming?"

"She'll be here tomorrow but I was thinking about bringing her on Sunday to dinner, so she could meet everybody at once."

"Hopefully she won't be too overwhelmed. You know Mia won't let her have any time for herself, right?" I nodded, absolutely aware of that fact. Ana was going to become a part of my family of sorts and I wanted her to have the relationship with them all. I remembered that when I saw her talking to Grace and Mia on Ava's birthday, I was petrified. I wanted her out and I was mad that she dared to come. She was right I couldn't control the connection she had with Kate and Elliot and nobody had an idea how grateful I was for that today. Thanks to them I got her back and had the chance to make things right. I was such an idiot, I could barely believe it.

"She'll be fine. She's been through worse things than my little sister." Although my sister could be challenging at times, I was sure Kate would save Anastasia from Mia.

I was planning to go back home and go for a run, but I got a text from Elliot asking if I had time to come over. It wasn't easy to refuse him, but I knew I wanted to spend time with him, his pregnant wife and little daughter, Ava. It was really sweet to see that my older brother is now responsible man who takes good care of his family. I was proud of him that he found one woman who taught him not to act like a man whore. I've learnt to respect Kate and to some extent even like her. She wasn't my type of a person, but she was one of the most loyal people I've ever met. She wouldn't take shit from anyone and she had always had a hunch that there was more to me and Anastasia than meets the eye. She was right since the beginning.

I went to their home and I was welcomed by my niece and my brother. I gave her a brief hug, I've never felt threatened in any way by a child and joined in the living room to Kate. Her pregnancy was becoming visible. It was her fifth month and taking into consideration Kate's built, you could see a small bump.

"I didn't have any interesting plans so thanks for having me over." I had some water and sat with Ava on the floor.

"I don't remember asking Elliot to call for extra people for the evening." I heard the voice and I didn't have to turn around to know it was Anastasia. She came to Ava and she hugged her aunty with great joy. I saw she was quite tired and I couldn't believe she was actually standing there.

"I just had to see him totally off track. It was all worth it Ana." Elliot laughed, and Christian threw Ava's teddy at him.

"Let's eat and then you can have the rest of the evening for yourselves." That was Kate. She was also a part of this.

"I thought you were done trying to set us up." All their attempts in the past were terrible and very uncomfortable for Anastasia and me. I knew she never wanted them and she was acting strange after every Kate's or Elliot's trick. She knew why she couldn't enjoy it back then and I didn't care enough to even consider dating her.

"Now, we are. We wanted to have our last attempt. Hopefully that one won't be as embarrassing as the rest." Anastasia growled at that remark. We would survive it somehow. We managed to spend an hour with them, but we knew we wanted some privacy. Elliot kindly reminded me to take care of her and to have fun. I didn't have any plan for that evening. I decided to take her on a road trip again, who cared it was dark. All that mattered was that I wasn't alone.

"I thought you were coming tomorrow." She shrugged, and I smiled when I heard the explanation.

"I made a mistake in the date in the email but decided not to tell you about it. All in all, I knew I would be earlier. I take the surprise was good." I nodded, and she followed me to the car. She fastened her seatbelt and she was waiting for me to do something.

"I know you have no idea what to do. That was actually the point, to see you unprepared." I didn't know why she brought it up now.

"Thanks a lot, Anastasia. I was thinking about taking you for a road trip but it's getting late, so it probably isn't the best idea. How about we go home and watch a movie or do whatever you want." She suddenly moved, and I wasn't sure if everything is okay with her.

"I'm up for whatever you want" I raised a brow "Well, not literally, but I trust it'll be cool." It was weird for us to be spontaneous and I felt the difference between all our other meetings. I liked it. I decided to take her to Escala which at the time seemed like an okay idea. I came to my senses when we were in the elevator and when I saw she felt uncomfortable.

* * *

APOV

I felt like I was stepping into the past. I was on the edge of control. I knew I could do it. He wasn't going to hurt me. He cared about me and I could trust him. He led me to the great room and took my coat. For a while I was alone, and I sat by the window like I used to when I was with him. I rested my head on the wall in the corner and looked at the night sky of Seattle. I could never forget that view, it was something magical, lights, cars, people looking like bees. I couldn't believe how much I missed that. I didn't realise he was watching me until I felt his hand on my shoulder. He was totally different with me than I remembered. I didn't want it to end.

"Would you like some wine?" I shook my head. No alcohol. I would be totally out if I drank anything today.

"Water please" seconds later he came back with a glass. I had no idea I was so thirsty.

"Do you remember where everything is, or shall I give you the tour?" I remembered most important places, like kitchen, dining room, his study, his bedroom, my room, and playroom. I wanted to shake my head, but he stopped me from doing that. "I'll show you one room you'd probably love at most."

I haven't had time to lurk around too much, and furthermore I wasn't allowed, so it was rather obvious I haven't seen most of his penthouse. He took my hand and led me into long corridor. We were standing in front of the door and I was curious as hell what was in there. It was literally under the playroom.

He opened the door and let me go first. He switched on the light and I couldn't believe what I saw. It was a library. I had no idea he'd have so many books. It felt like I fell down the rabbit hole, an absolutely different universe. There were plenty of shelves full of books. They were set in order of genre and author. I felt like I knew what I was going to do for the next few days. I felt like a child at Christmas.

"I didn't realize you had a library" He gave me a small kind, but a bit sad

"I thought I never showed you that room, but I needed to be sure. I think about setting this as your study when you come with a visit from time to time. I know you'd need some personal space for working, and I thought it would be the right place. Look there, Anastasia" I came to that particular shelf and noticed Hardy's novels he gave me as an apology. I sent them away when I was packing.

"Tess… Thanks for showing me this." He showed me also a balls room, as Elliot likes to call it, and other places I never thought of. It was odd for me when I was upstairs not to go to sub's room. It called me. When I entered it, I realized it was the only place so far which went through some serious redecoration. When I remembered, that room was all white, almost sterile, now it had a light shade of blue and dark furniture. It was nothing like I remembered.

"I had it done just a few months ago. Since that time there was no one occupying that room. I just needed to change it a bit." I nodded with understanding. But I went inside anyway. I spent so much time in here, and I spent it crying for most of the time. I somewhat treated that space as a prison, of some kind. I felt so small and totally not fitting to everything. The bed was slightly bigger than I remembered, and it looked at me kindlier.

"Is it the end of the tour?"

"I think you remember the rest. I knew you would enjoy the library. Would you like to watch some movie or maybe you have some suggestion?" I was thinking about the beautiful skyline and that I just wanted to be in comfortable silence and to admire the view.

"May I have some tea, and then we'd just spend some time in the great room?" He was okay with it. He gave me a blanket and I sat on the floor. It was old and new at the same time. Part of me was scared that I agreed to be involved with him, but the other was excited. I wanted to get to know him and to let him know me. I enjoyed spending time with him, when I didn't feel like I was just a toy to play with. I haven't changed much over the years in terms of my appearance, I was only thinner and paler, but I didn't complain about it. Christian clearly didn't like my hair so short, but I wanted to try something different for a change.

"It's odd not to have rules around you, but I like it." I saw slight disappointment on his face.

"I was actually up to talk about a few rules for us, now that we live in the same city." My expression said it all. I knew he wasn't totally serious at that point. Some things never changed, but as long as it was rational, I had no problems with that.

* * *

 ** _Liked it? Let me know and see you tomorrow :)_**  
 ** _~M_**


	21. Surely not perfect

_Hello,_  
 _I'm posting another chapter, again. :)_  
 _Have a nice time and enjoy._  
 _~M_

To answer to one of the reviews: yes, he is one manipulative guy, it would be weird if he wasn't.

* * *

Chapter 21

APOV

I didn't mean to stay there for the night. I wasn't sure what was happening after some time. I was in the great room and suddenly I was somewhere else and for a second, I didn't recognise my surroundings. It was early, but the sun wasn't up yet. I was angry only for a second for putting me to bed, because I noticed I was wearing my clothes from yesterday. He didn't touch me and that was comforting. I turned around and noticed a card with instructions and I was somewhat irritated. I had no better idea than to read it and just go with it. I knew he wasn't serious while talking about rules. He wasn't with me and I didn't want to bump into Mrs. Jones.

I had a shower, washed my hair, dried it, and put the clothes I found. Skinny jeans, t-shirt, and blue hoody. It looked so normal that I liked it. I checked my phone and it was just around half past five. I immediately texted Kate that everything was okay, so she wouldn't worry about me. I knew it was late, but it was better late than never. I spent some time alone. I checked if I had any emails and messages. I wrote to Paula to tell her that for that time everything was fine and that I missed her already. I lay on the bed and thought about the things that happened and all the time I spent in here. I wasn't only sure why he put me exactly in this room, but it didn't matter. He wrote he'd be home at around seven-thirty, so I decided to go to his library. I stopped at the door to the playroom, but the door was closed. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go in there. I went to the library and I felt like I was in the right place for me. Surrounded by books. I set the alarm on seven-thirty to remember to meet him in the kitchen. I wasn't used to eating breakfast that early, I was just going to have some coffee with him when he would get back.

I looked at the books and checked if there were some of those I liked to read. I was interested in English literature, but I preferred more action-packed books, or mysteries. I decided I wanted something short and not too complicated, so I took one of Agatha Christie's novels. She was always using one of the three patterns and if you knew them all, solving the rest of her mysteries was a piece of cake. I was reading some of the short stories when the alarm rang. I put it back on the shelf and went to the kitchen. Christian looked as if he'd just showered and was about to get ready for work.

"Hey, how you're doing?" I smiled at him and joined by his side. I saw Mrs. Jones and I greeted her.

"Good to see you Mrs. Jones." I always found her very interesting and she was always very nice to me.

"You too Ms. Steele. It's Taylor now, by the way." My eyes widened at that information.

"It might have slipped my mind to tell you." He said apologetically.

"Congratulations, then. May I have some coffee, please? Black, no sugar?" She nodded, and I knew Christian wasn't good that I didn't ask for anything to eat. "It's too early for me. I'll have something when I get home."

"I'll drive you, then to work and if you'd like I can pick you up in the evening." I was thinking about having a girls' night with Kate and Ava, which meant nowadays meant watching some film for children like Frozen or something like that. I would see him on Saturday and he was taking me to dinner to his parents' house on Sunday. We had plenty of time. Besides, I was still processing some things.

"I wanted to spend the evening with Kate, so maybe tomorrow. I texted her when I got up, so she wouldn't be worried."

"I talked to her when you fell asleep. She knew you were staying." It was a pleasant surprise that he remembered about that one detail.

"You seem to get on better than I remember."

"Some situations change people for better." Gail left, and we were on our own. I was slowly drinking my coffee and I was watching Christian. I shouldn't stay for the night, but on the other hand, I felt safe.

"Is something bothering you?" He could read me better although I was trying not to show that something is wrong.

"Why did you put me in there?" For a second he wasn't sure what I was talking about, and that meant that he didn't really think about it much.

"A habit, I suppose. I didn't mean anything by it." I knew it by the way he was reacting, but I wanted to push him a bit more.

"Well, if it wasn't accompanied by the card with instruction, I mightn't have felt uncomfortable." He looked at me like he wanted to assure me he didn't mean anything by it when we were interrupted by Taylor informing us, he was ready to go.

Christian left for a few minutes to brush his teeth and change into one of his suits. We got dressed and we left to the car. I wasn't in a mood to talk. I knew he was only half joking about putting some rules for us. He just couldn't totally give up control. It must've been hard for him to live with me for the past months, but I appreciated the effort. I also made a serious move, when I decided to take the risk and move back in. I didn't really want to talk because it wasn't the best time. I didn't want to distract him, and I wanted to be sure that I know what I want to say to him. He took me home and left.

"I'll call you tomorrow. Have a good day." I spontaneously kissed him on the cheek to say goodbye and left the car.

I wasn't alone in the house. Pregnancy wasn't easy for Kate and she left her work earlier than she originally planned. She was eating with Ava when I got there, and Elliot was leaving for work.

"I got your text, but Christian told me you fell asleep, so relax. How was it?" I shrugged because there wasn't much to say. We were talking, I finally saw most of his place and I woke up in the same room I hated for years.

"It was interesting. We talked a lot about different things, mostly about us. I just hope it'll be alright."

"Good to hear it. It won't be worse than the last time for sure, it's rather hard to beat that record of being an ass." Kate could be very right at some moments. We spent the entire day together and I knew that Ava was going to sleep early so technically I had the evening off. I was starting my work in a week and a half, and I was already bored. I knew I could find something to do like for instance looking for an apartment or catching up on reading. There were plenty of things I could do but all I was really capable to, was catching up on sleep.

I was sleeping well today, I didn't remember when it happened, but I was relaxed. I didn't have any disturbing dreams. I was at ease, until I woke up in the morning in that particular room. I texted Christian to tell him I had the evening off, so we could watch something if he wanted. I decided to go for a walk and I felt so small but at the same time I felt like I mattered. He picked me up and took me to his place. I was searching through the films and I couldn't find anything that would be cool. I smiled sadly when I saw new Star Wars. I saw that film with Mick and I really enjoyed it, although it wasn't the best in the franchise. I wanted to see Frozen with Ava, so I offered it to Christian.

"You want to watch Frozen with me? Are you okay?" I looked at him innocently. I had no problems with watching films like these. They were great not only for children.

"Why not? It might be fun. I'll make some tea and be right back. Want something?" He didn't understand my reaction why I was excited about it? Still, he seemed amused, so that was a good sign.

"Water if you don't mind." I left to the kitchen, but he followed me. I was humming 'Let it go' and I saw he didn't understand the phenomenon. I thought it might be fun experience for both of us.

"I can't believe you're singing a Disney song." I rolled my eyes. It was obvious I did.

"That's the thing. When you were little you were like 'just stop the singing, I want action' and today it's like 'oh my God, they're singing, yay!' Do you see the difference?" His expression was like, 'I have no idea what you're talking about, you nerd. Couldn't help it. From time to time, even I wanted some innocence.

"Not at all, but if you want to do it, I'm fine." I knew that he wanted to say something, but I've known him enough to say that he'd start the topic when he feels ready.

I was taken with the film although it was third or fourth time I saw it. I didn't care. I liked Olaf the snowman and his most memorable quote 'Some people are worth melting for'. I could only hope he was worth it. That film wasn't overly sweet, except for the ending of course. I was tired, and I knew where it was heading.

"I'm not letting you go today, please…" I turned to look at him and I knew he was tired as well. I knew he had some reason to ask me to stay.

"Okay, I'll stay, this time I'm texting Kate." I turned to do it, I didn't want to fall asleep like yesterday.

"Hungry?" It was too late for food. I was tired, and I was thinking about going to bed. I took our mugs to sink and wanted to head upstairs when he stopped me.

"I was thinking a lot lately about us…"

"As was I. What is it?" I didn't mean to sound irritated, but it wasn't the best time to talk for me. He came to hug me, and I let him. With each time it was becoming easier for both us. I felt so small in his arms, but I didn't move away. Suddenly I felt that the light mood was gone, and we were back to being serious. I knew that was going back to us. We had to face it.

"I was thinking if you'd like to move in with me. I know you're looking for some apartment and I don't like the perspective of driving you home every day. I'd like to have you closer." I needed to remind him that we weren't going to see each other every day.

"We used to live on different coasts and you're irritated now? Christian, I don't know… It's too early, you barely know me, I barely know you. Are you sure you want this? This one is a very big step." I would have to seriously consider this. I didn't want to jump in just like that.

"Yes, I am. I want you here with me." I knew that when he made up his mind, it was close to impossible to make him change it.

"I'll think about it. Is that okay for you?" I said still holding him. I had to make that decision carefully.

"For now, it is. Shower and bed? Tomorrow I can finally take you for a ride outside of the city, if you want." I didn't care at that point. I went upstairs and went straight to bathroom. He brought me his T-shirt and pants. They were obviously too big, but I was glad I could cover my legs and my belly. I didn't want him to see the marks. They didn't look bad, but the fact of their presence made me feel bad. They were in the past and the majority was almost gone. I knew they would be okay, after some time. I needed to be prepared for the next time with extra clothes.

I was surprised to see him on the bed waiting for me.

"I'm not going to sleep with you if that's what you're worry about. Unless you want me to." I wasn't sure. I was glad that he was respecting my privacy and that he wasn't too pushy. He was one controlling idiot, but at least now he was talking to me about it.

"I don't know if I mind." It felt so great to be in warm bed. I closed my eyes and I enjoyed the experience. He started stroking my head and another image popped in my head. It used to happen from time to time, and I pushed it out of my memories. "Don't stop it." I asked.

* * *

In woke in the middle of the night and found Christian sleeping next to me. It was an odd view because he looked so innocent and calm. He was defenceless, and I felt odd that I could finally see him like this. He was trying to be strong and controlled around me. I was trying to unwind and to show him in a casual way that I want to spend time with him, even on silly things. Doing something stupid from time to time, is not stupid at all and I wanted to show him that. I hugged him and thought about us. Part of me was worried that it was moving too fast, but I knew it wasn't the case. It took us months to be at this point. It took me a lot of time to allow myself to try with him. But should we be trying for the rest of our lives? I didn't think so. I stood up and took my bag. I found my notebook and started noting down the reasons if I should do it or not. I needed to get it out of my head and to put it in perspective as much as I could.

I was sitting on the bed and I was constantly looking at Christian sleeping next to me. I saw how much he was trying for me and I also knew that I didn't want to change him. The thing that hurt me most was that I knew that he didn't care then. I knew, he had feelings for me, I had some feelings as well. I was just afraid that moving in with him would be too big step for us and that's too early. I wanted to make this work somehow and I knew he was there to support me. I was only hoping I could support him too if he needed me. I wrote a few more points and put the notebook down.

I turned to look at him and I saw he was watching me carefully. His eyes were sleepy a bit, and he seemed very relaxed.

"Anastasia… Good morning. What's the time?" I checked, and it was almost nine. "It can't be that late." I passed him my phone to check by himself.

"It's been a while since I slept so well."

"That's a good info." I saw he was in shock that he slept well. There was a time when I had nightmares, so I learned to appreciate sound sleep.

"What have you been doing?" He pointed at my notebook.

"I was analysing if I should move in with you or not?" I saw the surprise that I was seriously considering his offer.

"In the morning?" I nodded. I wanted to start thinking about it as soon as possible rather than wait for some sort of epiphany.

"I just couldn't sleep at night and I wanted to do something productive."

"May I see the list?" I was a bit reluctant to show it to him because of a few reasons noted down there, but if I wanted to be honest with him, he deserved to know everything that was happening in my head. I saw he was very focused and took his time to familiarize with the list. I took a quick shower, but it didn't matter much because I had to put my yesterday's clothes. I could think under water and prepare myself mentally for the day. I needed to go back and pack a bag just in case. When I got back, he was still in the bed focused on the list.

"I know how it looks, I have more reasons not to, but I can give it a shot. Do you think we can work it out together somehow?"

"I think we can. I'll get someone to take your stuff as soon as possible. You have no idea how happy you made me." I pointed at the list where I wrote something very similar.

"I think I do."

* * *

 _Aww, Liked it? Let me know._  
 _Till another update_  
 _~M_


	22. It will be better

_Hello,_  
 _I'm posting another update, hopefully you'll enjoy it._  
 _Yes, I've been updating a lot lately, mostly it's because I want to finish this by the end of July. :)_

Another update will be so stay tuned :)  
 _Take your time and have fun._

 _~M_

* * *

Chapter 22

CPOV

Anastasia was right. She was making me happy by moving in with me. I informed Mrs. Jones about it and my security. I knew they were a bit surprised, but I didn't care about it much. Gail got on well with my Anastasia, so I felt like she was simply going back. As I intended I took her on a road trip and she enjoyed it very much. She didn't have many things, so moving was relatively easy. It would be done by Wednesday. I knew I wasn't going to sleep with her, so I had her installed to the room she'd already known. At first, I wasn't sure if she liked it, but she didn't say anything about it. I trusted her to tell me when something was wrong.

I was taking her to my parents on Sunday and I wanted her to feel at ease. They were ecstatic to 'meet' her and I wanted to feel that pleasure as well. We talked about our living arrangements. I told her I would be picking her up from work and that I want relatively regular updates on her whereabouts. I wanted her to feel okay around me, but I needed to have some sense of control. She didn't mind it. She knew that I was a freak and she didn't say that she doesn't accept it. She had a grey modest dress and her medium hair in a bun. She looked very delicate and simply. For me it was more than enough. I didn't like if woman had too much make-up. It was just unnatural.

I knew she was nervous and I wanted to calm her down, but I knew she was a strong person and she could manage on her own.

"Anastasia, I can't believe I'm seeing you again, and with my brother!" That would be Mia, just as we walked through the door. I knew we could do it. My Mum was ecstatic as well and I could see a pure joy in her eyes.

"Nice to see you both." We had a very pleasant evening and it was one of the events I genuinely enjoyed. Anastasia hit it off with my Mother and the funny part started when Kate told us some of their stories from their time at university. I've always known she was a bit nerdy, but I didn't know she was like a big sister to Kate and she was the person who'd always be there if there was any crisis.

"I met her because she was filling in with Kate for an interview, a few years ago." Ana was surprised I said it in front of my family, but she understood there was no hidden message. It was actually a very innocent beginning of our relationship and I wasn't ashamed of it although that interview was a total disaster and we both knew it.

"I'd like to forget about that infamous interview, but it's impossible because he's reminding me of it whenever he's got the chance." She retorted. She couldn't take that pleasure from me. I enjoyed replaying that interview in my head. That was when I knew I wanted her and I would get her. Kate expressed my feelings out loud.

"I'll make sure you'll never forget about it." Anastasia pouted, and it was adorable.

"Elliot and I have been trying to set them up for about a year, but it didn't work out well for us. In the end, it turned out we were right." I heard pride in Kate's voice and I wasn't going to say anything to decrease their enthusiasm.

I saw Anastasia was relaxed and I appreciated that she was okay with them and she looked like she was having a good time. I took her jacket and we went out for a short walk around the house. It wasn't warm outside, and I didn't want her to get sick. I showed her the area and we were having a very good time together. I knew we had to go back to reality soon. She was starting her new job next week and I wouldn't be there because I needed to go to New York for two days. I was used to travelling, but I wanted to have some quiet time for my girlfriend and me. We decided she would spend that week with Kate and that she'll move in full-time when I get back. The majority of her stuff were about to be moved this week, so everything was okay.

"I told you, they would love you." She smiled politely, but I knew she liked my family. She got on with Elliot and Mia and I knew I had their full support.

"I guess you were right." She leaned to kiss me, and I immediately returned it. That was a good sign. It was short, but it had special meaning. She was starting to accept me, and I could be closer with her.

"Come back" I heard my brother calling and I that broke that one intimate moment. Anastasia giggled when she heard him.

"Sometimes I don't know how I put up with him." She took my hand and we returned to the rest of the family. We spent there another hour or so and I took her home.

* * *

APOV

I went back to swimming because I needed to do something with my time. I knew that it was only one week left, but I didn't have many friends here and I didn't know if I should contact somebody or not. I called my Dad, but he was with his family in North Dakota, so visiting him wasn't an option. I missed my Dad's house and his stoic attitude. He's always been my first best friend although we never talked much. He's simply always been there for me.

I was seeing Kate and I helped her a bit. I went out for coffee once with José and I found out about his recent projects. He's become quite recognised photographer in the city and he was really happy than his wok was paying off. I've always suspected that he had crush on me, but I've never had any other feelings toward him than platonic. I remembered him as a friend. Today he was engaged and had one child, so I was out of the question.

I was excited, and I felt like I wanted to do everything. I had plenty of energy and I wanted to use it all. I needed to go back to regular swimming because it was great for my spine and overall it made me feel good. I read Orwell's 1984 and I loved that book. It was written in a difficult style, but the meaning was constantly accurate. I was going to great lengths to keep myself busy and I knew it was good policy for me. I kept in touch with Christian, I missed him, but I enjoyed the time I had for myself.

I started working and I was slowly getting used to living with Christian. I was subtitling English and French programmes for different companies. I liked my job because I was constantly using the things I've been learning over the years. Unfortunately, I almost always had short deadlines and that meant working after getting home, so I spent my evenings in my headphones, in the library, by my laptop. Christian was spending evenings in his study and it felt like we were too busy with our lives that we saw each other mostly for meals. I saw that from time to time he was coming to check up on me and I was almost always telling him that I'd be done in a minute. Obviously, it wasn't a minute.

"Goodnight, Ana." I smiled at him and waved goodnight. I saved the project and went to my room to finally rejoin my best friend on four legs, my bed. It was easier and more comfortable when I had my own clothes, rather than taking Christian's t-shirts. Not that he minded. I heard the piano, so I went to listen for a while. I was sitting on the stairs because I didn't want to interrupt him. He hasn't played much in recent time and I found it interesting that he started playing again.

"I thought you were going to sleep." I told him when I reached him.

"I wanted to, but I couldn't sleep. It helps sometimes." I sat next to him and I was listening to him playing. It was slow but positive melody and I felt the optimism.

"It was nice." I took his hand and took him to my room. I hugged him and fell asleep immediately.

I was grateful for the alarm. It was too late for him to go for a run, but he didn't seem to feel bad about it. He told me he slept better when he was with me. I was slowly opening up and we were starting to be closer friends than ever. He was letting me touch him which was a lot to him. I was spending some time with him, but nothing was happening between us than kissing which actually started not so long ago.

"If you like you can shower with me." It's not like he hasn't seen me naked. It was about both of us.

There was enough space for us although there wasn't much of it. We carefully washed each other and shared a long hug and delicate kiss. It was like coming back after a very long break. He saw the marks, but he handled it better than I expected. I calmed him down and we shared a long kiss. I wanted it, because I wanted to feel fully comfortable around him, even when, or maybe especially when I was vulnerable. I wasn't a shy person, but it took a lot of time for me to start trusting someone.

"It will be easier with time." I told him in the car. I knew we were both getting used to our routine. I wasn't hard to live with. I was almost always busy with something, Christian was pretty much the same. Weekends were time for us and, we were doing everything during the week to have Saturday and Sunday only for the two of us.

One day I met with Grace for lunch. I promised her that and I didn't want to disappoint her. I was used to keeping my promises and I felt like it was a nice gesture of her.

"I can't believe Christian didn't tell us it was you. You have no idea how glad I am to see he's with someone who's making him so happy." I liked her saying these words although I felt like I wasn't spending much time with Christian at all. It was almost like I was still living in Boston when I was thinking about it.

"Yeah, me too. It took us a while but we're slowly moving forward." Grace was asking me different sorts of questions and some of them felt awkward. I was glad I knew about the situation between Mrs. Lincoln and Grace, because I wouldn't be sure how to act. I met that woman in person and she was never nice to me. She probably didn't even see the difference between other women and for me that was an advantage. I was glad to hear she was out of Christian's life for good and he was free from that evil woman. She was like a shadow for me, because she was the person who started it all. If it wasn't for her, Christian wouldn't have become the person he is now, both on the positive and negative aspects. She shaped him on many levels and I knew it was on a deeper level than only consciousness.

"I was listening to your adventures that led you to dating in the end and I must say, it was incredible. You too look very good together. It looks like you belong." Feeling the approval on Grace's side meant much more to me than I expected. I knew she was being genuinely friendly and that she had Christian's best interest at heart.

"Thank you, Grace. We're working on it. He is a control freak from time to time, but it's nothing I can't manage." I texted him to pick me up and we went back home. I showered and changed. I had no make-up and I looked like I was getting ready for long calm sleep, although the t-shirt I wore was too warm for the night. I went to his study and found him by the computer. I curled in his lap and waited until he finished.

"I missed you like that." He kissed me, and I was smiling as an idiot. "You're going to sleep that early?"

"Of course not. How are you feeling?" I was tired after the week, but that didn't mean that I didn't want to spend some time with my boyfriend.

"I'm good. Finally have some time for you." I sighed. It was as I expected, but I knew it was less irritating for him than to spend a few hours on the plane. Yes, we could use some time for ourselves.

"You have no idea; how happy I feel about it. Plus, you don't have to fly to see me. For, now I'm not going anywhere."

"It took a while to get you back, and I appreciate it every day, Ana." I felt what he wanted, and I was thinking I was ready for it, I trusted him and I knew I would be fine in the end. After all, I was always his.

* * *

 _Okay, let me know if you enjoyed it, all kinds of feedback appreciated :)_  
 _and see you soon_  
 _~M_


	23. Now or never

_Hello,_  
 _Thank you for all the feedback. The next update will be posted either tomorrow or one day after that._  
 _It's been a crazy time and I'm happy to get back to writing. :)_  
 _Enjoy the chapter_  
 _~M_

* * *

Chapter 23

APOV

"I'll try to better manage my time, I don't like being like this either." I promised to Christian on one evening. There was no such thing as a shortcut when it comes to important things like relationships. In my case, things took longer time than for others. I partly hated that about me, but at the same time I was unable to act in a different way.

"We're not in a hurry." That was Christian's usual answer. I knew he missed me although I was practically living with him. From time to time he was sleeping with me in my room and I couldn't say I didn't enjoy it.

I thanked Mrs. Taylor for my lunch and left with Christian to work. He insisted on driving me and taking me home because that was time for ourselves, when we weren't focused on working and we could spend time discussing everything that happened during the day.

For a while I thought I was alone in Seattle. I didn't have many friends, but it turned out that Elizabeth, with whom I was working in the past, was currently working as a quality checker. That was good for me because I felt a need to socialise a bit, but with someone else than Kate and Christian.

I was never a person who liked partying, but I never minded a tea or coffee, or even a beer from time to time. However, when she asked me if I wanted to go out with her, my first impulse was to refuse.

"Oh… It's nice of you, but I'm not sure if I have time." She raised a brow and mocked at me a bit.

"You haven't changed at all. Same old excuse. Ana, you've been back for almost a month and you've been saying the same thing since you've been here. Come on! One beer and then we can catch up."

"Liz, you know that I have short deadline…" She interrupted me right away.

"And you're one of few people who actually respect deadlines." For me it was important to do things on time. If there were to be any complaints, I needed to have time for corrections.

"I'm new here and I don't want to lose my job." That argument won her. I wasn't doing that only because I wanted to be professional. I needed to show that I should be employed indeterminably, and I wanted that.

"You won't. Technically, you're working from nine to five." It was easier to say to her.

"And we both know how it looks in practice." I knew it was my choice, but I wanted to be good at what I was doing.

"I know. Just one beer and you can get back to working on such a beautiful Monday evening." I smirked. It sounded ridiculous. I knew I had to work on it a bit. Besides, I made a promise.

"I'll just call my boyfriend and tell him not to pick me up right away. Is that okay?" I saw she was genuinely satisfied with my reaction and I didn't completely understand why.

"A boyfriend? You've got to tell me everything about him." Hell, no. I wasn't going to. She finally let me finish my salad and I called Christian before it slipped my mind. He didn't answer, so I simply texted him.

 _Sorry, if I interrupted you at work. I only wanted to say I'm going out with my colleague for a beer after work. I'll text you when and where to pick me up if it's okay with you. ~A_

I got the reply half an hour later and I was surprised that there was no interrogation. He could be over-controlling from time to time, but I saw that he was mostly trying to control himself.

 _Rough day. We'll talk about it when I get to see you. Good you told me. Have a good evening and take care. ~C_

His message was short but there was no message that he wasn't okay with it. I was insane when I got back to the process. I had little time and I had to be constantly careful. I was lucky that I had good software, because there were moments when I was working in nearly spartan conditions.

I was packing my laptop barely conscious and I knew I needed to have some dinner before drinking any alcohol. I was light, and I didn't need much to get drunk and I knew Christian wouldn't approve it. I told him I would take care of myself and I intended to follow that instruction. First, we went for spaghetti because Liz was also hungry and then we were wondering if a beer was a good idea after spaghetti.

"Why didn't you contact me when you got back?" That was the first question I got, and it took me a while to form an answer. I liked her a lot, she was one of the people who was perseverant in asking me out until she succeeded, just as she did today. She was sending me emails from time to time and she always remembered about my birthday. She was nice. I wasn't thinking about others. I only wanted to escape and never come back. Both parts obviously failed on my behalf.

"It was actual very sudden, and it was very difficult time for me on many levels. I was depressed, and I needed a change. I didn't think about your feelings much. I was lost with my own."

"I only got back a short while ago. Besides I wasn't sure if you'd like to see me. I wasn't the best friend for you and I just thought it would be somewhat inappropriate." She shook her head and I knew she was contemplating if she should tell me off or if she should give me a hug.

"You're not talking this shit Steele. It's great to work with you and correct your miserable work." I started choking of laughter and I knew it was her main goal, to finally make me laugh.

"I knew I'd do that again. So, tell me all about that time you were avoiding me." I started a story about my time outside of Washington and I felt a bit nostalgic when I was saying it. I missed Paula, I missed all the people from there. I reminded myself, that it wasn't like I wasn't going to see them ever again and that was very comforting. I told her about my friends getting married soon, and my best friend's second pregnancy.

Liz decided she wanted a beer, so we changed place for a bar and I surely knew it wasn't my cup of tea. It was too loud, and I felt like I couldn't focus. I was avoiding the topic of Christian until it was almost nine and I was having my second beer when I got a text.

 _Is everything okay? Were shall I come? ~C_

I sighed, and I wasn't sure what I should do. I was glad that I had a proper dinner, so I didn't feel drunk at all. By morning, I would be absolutely fine.

"I need to ask my boyfriend to pick me up. It's getting late." She pouted because for her it was early. I reminded her that it wasn't weekend, but she didn't seem to mind. I texted him that I was ready to go home.

"Right, I guess I'll be going home too."

"Shall I call someone?" I wasn't sure if there was anyone at home and she was in worse condition than I was.

"I already texted my husband. He'll be there soon." I stayed until she was taken over from me. I hugged her for goodbye and told her to text me when she's home.

Christian was waiting for me at the entry and I was happy to see him. I gave him a hug and he led me to his car.

"Was the evening nice?" I nodded because suddenly I was absolutely exhausted. I didn't want to sleep, I only wanted to get some rest. Too much of social stimulation at once and that bar was extremely loud for me.

"Mhm, I mean yes. How about yours?" He told me about his day on the ride home. I told him I was okay and that I made sure I had dinner, so he wouldn't worry about me.

"It's good to see that you've learnt something." He taught me that a while ago and I was never going to forget it. Plus, I didn't want to feel a desert in my mouth in the morning. I wasn't a kid anymore.

When we got home he took vitamins and water and took it to my room. I followed him and suddenly I felt sad. I felt like I wasn't good enough to be with him. He washed me and made sure I had everything I needed. He left the room and I was sure he went to sleep to his room, but I was wrong. He came with a book and he gave me it to read.

"If you want I'll get you something more to drink and I'll stay for the evening with you." I didn't protest, and we spent a lovely evening. He was massaging me, and my reading stopped after barely fifteen minutes. I was allowing him to do that and I felt like he enjoyed it as well. I didn't realise I was so tense. Normally, warm water was enough, but this time I appreciated the effort. I had my eyes closed when he was touching me, and I didn't want it to end. It's been a while since I was that relaxed. My heart had a regular rhythm and was close to falling asleep.

"Thank you for that." He I turned to face him and went closer. I was touching his forehead and I wanted to kiss him, but I wasn't sure if he wanted it as much as I did. I didn't wait long for his reaction. I felt he embraced me and I wanted to feel him like that again. It was as if we let the instinct take the lead. That was something we couldn't forget, and we wanted to let us in badly. When I moved away, he was stroking my hair and I knew I didn't act like this because of alcohol, there wasn't enough of it in my system, but I had to admit, it gave me a bit more courage to let my guard down, at least for a few precious seconds.

* * *

CPOV

I couldn't stay away from her and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my girl. She was very careful and reserved but I knew she took her time. Whenever I slept with her, I had no nightmares and that was something I couldn't believe it was possible. When she was close I wanted to hold her and take her pain away, but whenever I was starting topic of her emotions, she was trying to close me off. I was thinking how she would react if I asked her to move to my bedroom instead of sleeping there. I was thinking about it and I understood why she might have felt bad. I didn't want to label her as a sub. First, she hasn't been one for a while. Second, I wasn't sure if I wanted her to sub for me. I didn't draw these conclusions by myself. Doctor Flynn and I have been spending more and more time on discussing my current relationship with Anastasia, and I felt like I was on a good way with working through my issues. We were talking about the list that Anastasia made, when she was considering moving in with me. Some arguments were the things I assumed, others were absolutely unwarranted.

"She knows, she's got no reason to be afraid that I would leave her." I told him, when were talking about our trust issues.

"On purely rational level, she knows it. But her experience tells her otherwise. She never said much about her feelings towards you because doesn't want that awful situation to repeat." I thought about it and I knew he had the point. I didn't want to feel the rejection because of being unwanted, so I was rejecting others as a prevention. I didn't want to try things. I was working with one formula because I thought it was the only possible way for me to operate in my personal life.

I thought about that day. I remembered she was in the great room. She was a shadow of a person after the situation with Leila. At first, I thought she was getting better, but her appearance sent different messages. She wasn't sleeping well, she had darker and darker circles under her eyes. She was a ghost. Alive, but her skin wasn't much different than from the dead. She was doing everything to please me, but I knew there was something bothering her.

I wished I had reacted differently to her words. I replayed it over and over in my head. I couldn't change it. The look in her eyes said it all, and my cold response only killed the rest. I thought she would be better off without me. I thought I was doing that to protect her from me, and by doing so, I had actually fucked up.

"Christian, you've got her back. You're making things better. She's smiling again, she's letting you touch her. You did the same thing. I remember, how hard it is for you with your phobia, and yet you want her now to see all of you."

"I'm trying… I really am."

"I know. Is she seeing anyone with her issues?" I nodded. She was seeing Kate's brother. He was her friend and she didn't want to feel like she was seeing a doctor who didn't know who she was. Meetings with Ethan were always interesting and demanding, but when she was going home, and she wanted to talk things through, I saw she felt like she was freed from some burden.

"Maybe, if she approves, you could come here with her as well from time to time. Not now, but when things get more serious." I had to consider that and talk it through with Anastasia.

"I'll talk to her at home."

I was thinking about the list and the things John told me. When I got home, Anastasia was in her usual spot with a tea in her hand. I went to her and I felt how odd it felt for me to sit next to her. It hit me after today's visit.

She noticed I was next to her and put the cup on the floor. I loved having her in my arms and I was never going to let her leave. I needed to say it first. I understood how stressed she must've felt when she was doing this. I wasn't sure if I was that brave, but I knew she was worth taking the risk.

"I love you, Ana."

* * *

 _Okay, so another chapter finished._  
 _Liked it? Let me know and have a nice day :)_  
 _~M_


	24. Coming out clean

_Hello, as promised time for another update. Thank you for all your support and being with the story after all this time :)_  
 _Enjoy the chapter_

 _~M_

* * *

Chapter 24

APOV

I didn't know what was happening at that time. It felt like everything had stopped for a second. It felt like something was terribly wrong and I couldn't place it anywhere. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. I was just looking at him, wishing I could disappear. I knew myself well enough that this was the last thing I expected to hear from him in my life. I heard it from many people: Leila, Josh, Paula, Kate. God, even Mick told me that, but I couldn't believe them. For me it was impossible. I was sure that would never happen, and I wanted to protect myself from being rejected.

When he said it, I knew he meant it and that he was absolutely honest with me. I knew I cared but I wasn't capable of saying it out loud as first. I didn't want to make the same mistake. That had to be him. He actually loved me, and I had to accept that fact.

"I love you too." I kissed him with all my heart and I couldn't stop thinking about him. I wanted to laugh, or cry. I had no idea. So many things were happening in my head. I hugged him that I wasn't looking at him. I didn't want to spoil the moment. He was just holding me, and I was doing everything in my power not to cry. I knew I could be strong and to hide my emotions. I was happy, mad, and sad at the same time. Happy that I finally accepted him, mad because it took me so long, and sad because it could've happened years ago.

"Hey… Relax, Anastasia. Everything's fine." He felt how tense I was, and I tried to relax. I only needed some time to process what happened. I wasn't going to push him away. I was too weak for that. I needed him to support me.

"It is." I suddenly started to laugh. It was unbelievable, and it felt like it was just some trick of my imagination. I moved, and my tea spilled over the floor.

"Fuck!" I ran to the kitchen for something to clean up. I was so distracted that I almost fell on the way back. We cleaned the floor and went to wash our hands. I took a quick shower and returned to look for Christian. I was thinking if he wanted to spend the evening with me, especially if we decided that the weekends are always ours.

I made another tea and drank it slowly processing that event. I knew I would find him in his study. I knocked, and he let me in. I saw he was nervous as well. He wasn't working, he just needed some time alone, just as I did. I was standing in front of him and I wanted to go somewhere else.

"I don't think this is the best place for talking." His look said it all. For him it was. After all, he loved negotiations and he was good in convincing people to his will.

"For me it's perfect." I came to sit on his lap and put my head on his shoulder. "Wait, wait. First, you're coming here and tell us to go somewhere else and now we're sitting here. I think I'm missing something." I shook my head and turned to smile.

"Ok, I have another idea." We stood up and in less than a minute I was in his arms. He was holding me and I had no idea what he was doing.

"You're not putting me down, are you?" I asked although I knew I wouldn't get the answer. I felt so little and I felt like I could trust him. He opened the door and I we stepped to the room I'd never seen before. It was in cold blue and grey. It was his bedroom. It was odd that it was the first time he let me come here. It was always off limits. He gently put me on his massive bed and I could take a minute to look around. It was cold, and it seemed like it belonged to someone older, but I knew Christian never liked bright colours. I loved the window and the view just like in every part of this place. We had that in common.

"I thought… I've never brought you here before"

"You're right. I've never been here." He lay behind me and I was turned from him, so I didn't see his face. I felt his touch and I could only think about him being with me because he loves me. That was something possible.

"I was talking about us with Flynn today and he asked me, if you wanted to join us at some sessions to work through our issues?" I thought it was a good idea. Maybe I could get to know him better and to open up with a specialist to avoid being misunderstood.

"Sure, just let me know when." I was up for it. I wanted to work on our relationship, because that's what it was, not just an arrangement, with a set of stiff rules.

"You're okay with it?" I heard surprise in his voice and relief. It was important for him as well.

"I am. Christian, about what you said earlier today, you do know I love you too?" I asked in a timid voice. I wanted to turn the conversation on the topic of us and our future. It felt now like we had future and I wanted it with him.

"I think I do. If you didn't have any feelings for me, you wouldn't get back to me after everything I did to you. I know you never stopped caring, although I didn't deserve it. I'm not going to pretend that I was always right for you. I knew it wasn't that, I'm not going to justify myself because there's no point in doing so."

"I don't want it. It doesn't matter now." He stroked my hair to calm me down. I didn't want his apology. I got it while still in Boston. He wanted to right his wrongs and I accepted that.

"For me it does, Anastasia, I didn't care about your feelings and I let you get hurt. You were genuine with me and I felt like I was changing you into someone you weren't just to fit you in to my life. I didn't think I was the right person for you and I wanted to protect myself from unwanted feelings."

"That was what I was doing for the past years. As you can see, I failed." He touched my neck and I instinctively froze. For him that meant to be quiet.

"I didn't see the mistake until Elliot and Kate had Ava. When I saw them so happy, I felt so fucking jealous and I couldn't do anything to make it stop. I could feel how happy they were despite sleepless nights and Ava's screams for food. I realised I was alone and that I've never even had a girlfriend." I found out about it when he was telling me about his arrangement with Mrs. Lincoln. She seduced him when he was fifteen and she was actively using him until he was twenty-one. She was a terrible person and she never treated people with respect, except for Grace and people clearly above her. She constantly treated Christian as he was hers, and me like I was just a toy. There was a time when I believed it but luckily, I met people who helped me to recover and I know I can always rely on them.

"I was thinking that I was self-sufficient. That I could do without some people and I wanted to minimise damage I could cause. I was thinking about the subs and I felt nothing. I couldn't even remember some names. I was glad that you didn't come on their wedding, but from what I've heard it wasn't because of me, as you kindly reminded me to stay out of your relationship with Kate." I heard sad irony in his voice.

"Of course, it was because of you. I was always terrible with excuses. I wasn't ready to see you yet." It was harsh, but it was the truth. I was fighting to be somewhat normal and I succeeded.

"I knew I missed you when you told me to leave you alone because that was what I was best at. That was the moment I realised how badly I fucked up. I thought how different you were and how slowly you were burning down inside." I closed my eyes. I didn't want to cry. It was in the past. I was going to be okay. I didn't want to speak because I wanted to let him give vent to his feelings first.

"I want to see you happy. Believe me when I say that our last months were the best in my life." I believed it, because they were great for me as well. I was holding back with everything but I truly loved spending time with him. It was so adorable when he was trying the things I liked, and I tried dancing to please him. I knew that my effort was reciprocated, and it was making me more and more attached to him.

"I loved them too because they were with you." I turned to look at him and I saw that he was also holding back from breaking down. "Christian, I know that I haven't been the easiest person to live with. I didn't want to say it out loud because I knew that would change everything. I was scared that if I say the words, you'd react in the only way I remembered. I thought that avoiding the risk was the best option, but it wasn't. We need to talk more. We need to work through all of it. I want you to forgive yourself. I want to let it go and finally make love to you.

"Are you sure?" I really wanted to punch him at that point. Yes, I wanted that, and I wanted to let all the bad things go away for good. I wanted to feel him inside me and feel intimate with him again. Sleeping together from time to time wasn't enough for me. He undressed me and hesitated when I moved to his shirt. It was harder for him than he expected but he let me do it. I felt that he was struggling to let off control, so I moved away to make him feel more at ease. I had to remember that touching wasn't pleasant for everyone. For Christian, it meant a lot that I could touch him, and he encouraged me to explore his body. I didn't want to be pushy or insensitive. He was guiding me all the time. I saw the marks on his chest, and as always, I felt sorry for him. When he saw my marks, I saw he was displeased. They weren't that bad at that point. I saw that he was close to his limit of my touch. I took my hand away and smiled with understanding. He put them up and got it that I had to lie still. It was my time to accept him and I was willing to do it. He was slow, and the pace was enough to feel comfortable. It's been a while since I had sex and the tension built up fast. I didn't need much to response to him. My body was a traitor at that point and I knew it was like this because of him.

* * *

We decided to move my things to his part and from now on he invited me to share his personal space with him. I was thrilled at the idea, because that meant that he wanted me closer. We went outside of the city for a ride and went for a very long walk. It was silent on both parties, but it was also exhausting. He wanted to make it longer, but he had to attend another fundraiser this evening. He didn't like these events. He would come, talk to several people, donate money and leave. He didn't like parties, he preferred peace and quiet. It wasn't the first occasion I was invited by him, but the first I agreed. We returned home to change and prepare for the evening. Christian got me prepared a proper dress for the evening and it looked very modest. It was navy and it was very smooth in touch. It was very comfortable when I put it on. It matched my eyes and I loved it. I had minimal make-up and I let my hair lose. Christian looked as always great in one of his suits. It was amazing how many different things women used, and how little men.

"You look good like this. Come here, I've got something for you." I didn't like getting gifts much. I preferred making things for people. I didn't need much for myself.

"You know you didn't have to." He kissed me on the cheek and opened the box. Inside, there were small diamond earrings and I squealed in surprise. They matched the way I looked and it was a gift from him.

"They are stunning. Thank you, Christian. What's the occasion?" I saw he was satisfied with my answer and he immediately put them on.

"The fact that I'm finally sharing you with the world. It'll will be fine, and I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

 _ **Okay :)**_  
 _ **Liked it? Let me know, can't wait to hear from you again.**_

 _ **Cheers,**_  
 _ **~M**_


	25. Darkest hour

_**Hello everyone!**_  
 _ **Time for another chapter :) I'm super glad that you're here with me and for all your support. That means a lot, and hopefully it'll continue until the end.**_  
 _ **This chapter is longer than the previous ones because I didn't know how to cut it, enjoy it and let me know if you your impressions etc.**_

 _ **Have a nice time reading,**_  
 _ **~M**_

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Chapter 25

APOV

I couldn't stand being among so many unfamiliar people for too much time. Christian wasn't leaving my side. He was holding me all the time. I couldn't avoid people staring at me, but I managed it all for Christian's sake. I knew it was a big step for him. I felt odd about being seen with him in public, but it was important for him. He explained to me that he didn't want to keep me a secret forever. He wanted to be able to share the world with me. Both on positive and negative sides. Whenever somebody asked us something about our relationship we could say honestly that we've known each other for years. Whenever I felt insecure or cornered, Christian was there to cheer me up and to help me enjoy the evening. We danced a bit and I couldn't say I didn't enjoy that event despite my unsocial nature.

He was talking about me with pride and that was adorable and very motivating to hear. He was actually listening to what I was saying to him and he was trying to be involved in my life, as much as I was involved with his. I wanted to be back home and to have a pleasant night with my lover and best friend. I was quiet on the way back because I was very tired, but smile didn't leave my face. I wanted him to know that I had a great time with him. My head was resting on his chest and he was holding me. I couldn't get enough of his touch and it was constantly unbelievable that he was letting me be so close to him.

We went to our bedroom and I quickly grabbed something to sleep. I looked in the mirror and I was glad that I didn't wear much make-up. I went to the bathroom and quickly washed it off. Christian was observing me carefully. He took his tie off and his shirt was unbuttoned. I rushed back to our wardrobe to put the jewellery in the right place and I took off my dress. I liked the fact that my clothes were very simple. I didn't like bright colours and I preferred to look modest than artificial in any way. I think Christian liked that as well.

"I wanted to take off that dress." I smiled but I thought that I'd like that too. It was late, and we had the entire day for ourselves, without any plan, or maybe there was some plan, but I had no idea about it.

"I know Christian, I do." I went under the stream of warm water and waited for him to join me. I closed my eyes and let my body relax from all the events of today. I was at home, with Christian, and everything was perfect. I felt his hands on me and he pulled me into a hug. We were standing together for a few seconds. He was holding me from behind and I felt good that I didn't look at him. It was one of the habits I had since I remembered. I wanted to focus on his touch and to enjoy the moment. He massaged me, and I thought I could melt in his hands. He washed me and let me return the favour. I kissed him in the end, but it was the last moment I was controlling my actions. There are moments when minds stop working and people start relying on their instincts. I was just like that. I held him close to me and I didn't want to let him go. I felt his tongue in my mouth and I was giving all I had to that kiss. He pushed me to the wall and I knew that I was standing as long he was securing me. I knew I would want him to take me here again and I wanted it hard. I asked him, and I knew he had the same impression as me. We didn't hold back. I was waiting for him and I knew he wouldn't disappoint me. It was like the perfect ending of a perfect date, exhausted in his arms.

There was something in him that made me feel uneasy for a bit, but I couldn't place that anywhere. It was amazing for me that I started calling this place my home, and that room our bedroom. It was Christian's space, but I felt much better than when I was staying in the sub room. I was lost then and I knew that that period was necessary for us to reconcile after such a long break and to have time to sort things out with no hurry. At first our lives seemed separate, but things started evolving when he started staying with me in my bed. I knew he was in charge in our relationship and I didn't question that. I only had to take into consideration that all the people are going to find out about us being a couple. There were a few pictures of us taken during the evening. I would have to deal with the one thing I thought I'd avoid, but I'm glad that it won't last very long, because I'm not the most interesting person in the world and I'm very grateful for that.

"So, now you've been photographed with a woman for a second time." I joked when we were finally in bed.

"But with the same woman and that's a plus. It'll be fine Baby. You've been through worse things than that."

"I know. I love you so much." As always, he smiled at the words. I loved that change. I didn't have to be afraid of him.

"I'll never get tired of hearing this Anastasia. I love you too." He rolled over and I found him above me. I felt his mouth on mine and I didn't want that moment to end.

* * *

I spent most of my work evenings in the library which was set as my office. Christian thought it would be the best place for me because of my love for books. I could get anything I wanted from there, but I enjoyed the most his collection of classics and I took every minute off I had to re-read my favourite novels. Liz was right that I should use more of my private life. She was stunned when she found out I was seeing Christian. I had to hear a long complaint that I didn't tell her earlier and she shouldn't find out about things like that from the media.

I was so glad that Kate knew everything because I would have to survive Kavanagh inquisition. I was so glad that I could normally call Kate and tell her all about the evening. Paula sent congrats, wrote we looked lovely together and reminded me that I couldn't miss their wedding. I still had three months to go. It was hard to believe it was almost May. It's been almost a year since I saw Christian on Ava's birthday. I could have never expected so many changes within a year. I was looking at myself and I knew I was happy with the things as they were at the time. I felt like nothing could spoil the way I felt. Period didn't matter, although I spent almost a week on pills to be able to get up from my bed. There were moments when Christian acted a bit off, but I hoped he would tell me if there was anything bothering him.

One evening Christian told me he wouldn't be able to pick me up from work, so he would send Sawyer to come instead of him. I told him I'd be fine, so he wouldn't worry for nothing.

He had a meeting with Dr Flynn and he seemed like it was more important than others. From time to time he was inviting me to come with him and I was mostly sitting quietly next to him and he was talking. All I could do was to support him, and I was there because he wanted me to. I wasn't an intruder. We also talked through my issues a bit, but I preferred talking to Ethan. With Ethan I felt like I was talking to a brother I never had. He told me to be pushier about vulnerable subjects for myself and for Christian. I started to open up and eventually I told him absolutely everything. No details missed. I started to notice some changes in me and I wasn't sure if I wasn't on high. Maybe that was the thing of being in love. I was smiling, I was active, what else could I want?

"So, how about a visit soon? You could come to us and we could catch up on some things. Arthur would like to finally see you in different conditions than taking over his drunk wife."

"You know that sounds very bad. We don't see each other that often." She shrugged. I knew she was joking. It wasn't like she was totally drunk, just a bit tipsy, but each time I was worried about her and I was making sure she could return home.

"I know. You can take your Grey with you. It might be fun, but on what I've learnt about him so far, he isn't the most easy-going person in the city. Quite the opposite actually." I knew she was right. That part was real taking into consideration his short interviews, the way he was approaching work and people around him. He was hard to get to know him, but once the initial ice is broken, and the intimidation is over, he's nothing but an adorable man.

"You can say that. I'll call and ask him if he has any plans and if he wants to join us one day." I knew that would be another challenge to our list. I went back to work and I was constantly smiling. I was going to crush a very tough wall, and I had no idea that was going to happen that soon.

Christian picked me later again and I knew it was because of another visit at Flynn's office. We returned home, and I saw that his mind was somewhere else. He didn't say a word during the dinner.

I finally spoke when we both finished.

"What's the matter Christian?" I sat next to him to be close to listen to him, but I knew he was fighting inside.

"A lot of things happened and I'm not sure I want to talk about it now." I nodded but I didn't want to back down just like that. I needed to reassure him that I'd be there to listen to whatever is bothering him and do my best to help him.

"You know you can always talk to me?" I held his face in my hands. I was looking into his eyes that were full of pain and one emotion I couldn't name.

"I need to work today Ana. Looking at the controller on your phone, you'll be spending your evening in the library." I glanced at my phone and the yellow light was blinking. That meant that someone from work has sent me something, or maybe Liz wanted to make sure I invited Christian to a quiet meeting. I checked, and it turned out that there were other messages as well.

I was worried because it was almost ten and he wasn't coming. I was tired, and I went to the kitchen for some water. I went to his study, but he wasn't there. He wouldn't leave me like that. I was wondering where he could go. I went to the bedroom, but he wasn't there. I checked the wardrobe and bathroom. I was starting to panic. It wasn't in his style to go somewhere without any explanation. I didn't find any note by the bed, or any text. I called him, but he didn't answer the phone. I had to trust everything was going to be okay.

I didn't know what to do so I showered and changed. I was waiting for another hour and I was more and more worried. I left the room to check and ask someone from the security if they knew where he went because he didn't answer my texts. I went to his study and found his phone. He would never leave without it, and that made me sure he was still in the apartment. It hit me, and I was rushing up upstairs. There was only one more place to check. I tried it only once because the door was locked. This time I knew it would open. I wasn't sure what I was going to find there, and I was absolutely petrified.

I slipped inside and realised that the room was exactly like I remembered. It was in dark warm red and I remembered the same scent. I felt so small in here. I haven't been here in years and it feels like I never left.

Christian was sitting on the massive four-post bed that was never used for sleeping purposes. He looked like he was barely holding on. He hasn't changed his clothes, he was dressed as he was going to work. I didn't know how to approach him. I didn't know if I should let him know that I'm here or should I leave him alone as he asked.

I knew I was incapable of leaving. I tried but I couldn't. I wanted to know what was going on, but I saw he wasn't with me. I wanted to relax at least a bit. I moved closer and went down on my knees. I was waiting, because I knew it wasn't the best time to interfere with whatever was happening in his head. I wanted to comfort him, but I didn't know how, not here anyway. That place was an odd space for me. I didn't know how else to react. It seemed like the first and only option, to simply stay and wait. I was tired, but I knew I had to be here. I didn't know how much time passed. I was barely aware what was going on around me.

"How long have you been here?" I heard from somewhere. His voice was very quiet, and I saw he was surprised to see me like that. I didn't answer at first. I needed to put the words in the right order in my mind.

"I don't know, I was worried that you didn't come after you finished, and I was looking for you." I was staring at the floor and I was speaking like an autopilot. I wanted him to know I was there, but I couldn't express it in any way.

"I'm so sorry, I was so lost in thoughts I didn't hear you entering the room." I was wrapped in his arms and he let me up. He put me on the bed and I knew he was close to telling me what was going on. I was in another mode but at the same time I felt very calm and safe. I was ready for whatever he was about to tell me.

"Ana…" That was the first time he called me that in that one particular room. That partly brought me back to reality. "I've been talking to John a lot about us, and I've been acting strange lately." I nodded because I didn't want to interrupt him his flow of thoughts. "It's not like I'm complaining or anything, the last months were amazing, but I felt like there were some things I was fighting inside, and I feel bad that I can't totally control myself."

"What are you talking about?" I blurted out before I bit my tongue.

"There are some moments when I feel absolutely powerless and I feel like…" I sensed the hesitation and guilt. "I feel like part of me wants some part of what we had in the past, and I know this isn't what you want, and I feel the conflict that I know that we decided to move on from that. There are moments when I feel like I'm hurting you and I don't want anything like that for you. There's also another part of the story. The part I've never told you about. You must have noticed how much you and Leila are alike. I have a type and it feels like I have to let that go, even though I want it."

"Christian, slowly because it makes no sense. Take a breath or two and tell me what's the matter. I'll listen." I reached out to him. He was so vulnerable that I was afraid that he would push me away, but he didn't. He kissed it and let me stroke his back.

"All the women looked a bit like my birth mother. She was an addict and a prostitute, but she was doing everything in her power to raise me. She didn't do the best job. For years I was putting my anger out on women like you and I knew it was totally wrong." I didn't move because I was absolutely shocked by this news. Everything in his life wasn't by chance. He wanted me because I looked like her and that was it. There was nothing important about me for him. I was just one of the type.

"Anastasia don't think too bad about me, please. I want to be honest with you. You are important to me, I don't want to hurt you and the knowledge that I could harm you beyond repair is abhorrent to me. I've just gotten you back. I do love spending time with you, but there are moments when I feel like I'm not acting like myself. I miss the control and I feel that it's wrong."

My voice was shaking. I was hoping the worst part of the day was over. Clearly, I was wrong. I was sitting in his playroom on the bed and I was listening why he had become like this. He told me more about his birth mother and the things he remembered. For years he hated her, and it took him years to start accepting the fact that she loved him, just as that I loved him.

"You know that you have control over me. I flew back here, right back into your claws." I said trying to lighten the mood. He managed to smile a bit and for me that was a success. "You've always had me, and you should know that I never minded submitting to you. What I hated was the fact that you didn't care about me. I was just a number for some time for you. If you need it, I know I can do this for you, to some extent at least." I hoped it would make him better.

"I can't risk losing you again. I don't want to ruin everything we've built together." I wasn't leaving him, and I won't let him give up on us easily.

"You won't lose me. Was that what you were worried about?" To my surprise Christian shook his head.

"For the past two weeks Elena has been trying to reach out to me and I had a feeling it might be something important, but she only agreed to talk to me in person."

"You're not going to see her again, are you?"

"I don't know." My irritation started to build up again.

"Did she tell you all the bullshit that you need that back in your life?" He immediately shook his head and I knew he was being truthful with me. I also knew how much it cost him to tell him why all the subs were similar. It was unsettling, but I felt like I broke through another wall.

"You're not going to see that woman. She's out of your life." I would do anything possible to keep him away from her.

* * *

 _ **Okay, another chapter posted :)**_  
 _ **Liked it? Let me know and till the next fast update.**_

 _ **~M**_


	26. Lack of control

_**Hello,**_  
 _ **Time for another update :)**_  
 _ **Enjoy the chapter and till the next time.**_  
 _ **~M**_

* * *

Chapter 26

APOV

Christian was absent-minded, and I knew it was because of that bitch. She was in prison, but it didn't mean she stopped fighting for freedom. I contacted Grace and Carrick to be updated because Christian didn't want to talk about it, but he let me talk to them. I knew it wasn't easy for him, but I felt it was his way of showing his trust.

Grace was sleeping after the night at the hospital, but Carrick was more than willing to help me when I explained the situation to him. His son's interest was very important for him and he wanted to make sure she wouldn't leave that place for a very long time.

"Do you have any idea what she might want from Christian this time?" Carrick looked at me as if I was five.

"I would say, money. They were financially tied for years, she might want some support to have resources to prove her innocence. She wasn't sentenced because of Christian, there were other victims and it's mostly because of these people. Christian wanted to be out of that case. He didn't want to be linked to her, especially that he's been cutting ties with her gradually and for years." I raised eyebrows to that statement. I was surprised at first but remembered that he had hunches for a long time that there was something wrong with her. He was intelligent enough to fool people around him for a while. Elena however was a way better actress than many people would give her credit for.

"I don't think money is the reason. She wants him, she believes he owes her, for what she's done to him." I wanted to sound calm although the words were harsh when I spoke them out loud, just as Mr. Grey's reaction.

"He owes her nothing!" I knew he wasn't angry with me but his raised voice hurt me a bit.

"I know that. It's exactly why I'm here. I want to know what her reasons are to see him. What does she expect from him? I'm not letting him in there if I have anything to say in that matter." I could see he liked my answer and that he knew I didn't mean to say anything offensive. I was only thinking about keeping him from that evil woman.

"I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can actually do. She doesn't talk to me, or other representatives on our side. She only wants Christian. I'm afraid she's up to something."

"I don't know her enough but from what I remember she wasn't a nice person." I knew he was surprised by the answer and that hit me what a big mistake I made. I shouldn't have known her in person. I needed to sort that one out.

"Absolutely right." I knew he wanted to ask me about it but chose not to. We talked a bit more and thought about some other assumptions. I was thinking if Christian should tell his parents some of the things that happened in his life rather than someone would break the news. Grace knew about Elena's orientation and what she enjoyed, and I knew it took her a while to process when she asked if Christian was into it. I didn't know his exact answer, but I believed he said some part of the truth.

"I should get going. Thank you for your time and I'll call Grace to set lunch with her." I got a strong handshake and I felt like I was doing something good. Besides, I didn't have to play games with them.

"You know Anastasia, at first I was reluctant when I heard you were seeing my son." I didn't like that tone, but luckily, I felt he didn't mean to say anything rude. "After a while, I think he couldn't have made a better choice." Then I was embraced in a hug. My reaction said everything. Despite discussion on important topics, I managed to smile and giggle a bit. I was slowly feeling like I was becoming a part of the family.

* * *

"I'm worried about you Christian." I said one day when we were going home in the evening. We were going through a lot of things lately with the threat on Elena's side it wasn't comfortable. We were both looking for a good way of dealing with that bizarre situation because we didn't exactly know what the threat was. Christian thought she wanted to reveal his secret to the public and he couldn't let that happen. Unfortunately, Carrick said that no data was found on her computer that might lead to Christian or other victims.

"It'll be better." Gail was great with us and I really appreciated her presence. She was someone very reliable and positive and she could always remind me to be optimistic even though the circumstances weren't the best.

"I might've implied to your Dad that I've met Elena personally." I said in timid voice. I immediately looked down because I wanted to avoid his reaction, but I knew I had to tell him that I fucked up. Kate and Elliot implied that we were set up on date on several occasions, but that situation wasn't the same. I knew who Elena was and I gave some information about the two of us.

I knew he wasn't pleased with me. He let his parents believe that I was his regular girlfriend he was in love with and he saw how happy this news made them. I was ready for his anger, but nothing happened. He came to me and comforted me.

"It was bound to happen at some point. Don't worry too much about them. I was thinking about it actually. I would like them to know about some of my past. I know that would totally change the way they perceive me, but I know now that they won't stop loving me. They're my parents after all." It was something I was wishing to hear for a long time. The more I spent time with Christian, the more I knew about his past and background. I knew how difficult it felt for him to be accepted by his family. I was proud to see the progress he'd made through that time.

"I though you would be mad at me." I admitted shyly. It was what I was expecting from him. I knew he wasn't pleased but he chose to ignore the fact. He only sighed and came to be there with me.

"Ana… I trust you. I think I just have to check what she wants." I pushed him away.

"You will do no such thing." I was still calm. I was just stating the fact.

"My father was unsuccessful other people were useless as well. It has to be me. She can be really harmful if she wants to." I was sure she could be. She was manipulating him for over ten years.

"We're not having this conversation Christian." I stood up and left because I had nothing else to say and I didn't want to hurt him in any way. I turned to my private space I took out my headphones and prepared myself to work a bit to clear my head. I needed to be totally focused on my work. I was working on a program of conferences about mental health and I needed to be super precise about that. I wanted to be over with as fast as I could. I thought that I needed a break form it all, so I called Kate to spend a day with her. I needed some time free from Christian and that difficult situation.

"Are you finished for today?" He asked me like he wasn't sure if he came at the right time.

"I think I am."

"I think I was too harsh on you Baby. I didn't mean to. I was only thinking about diminishing the damage." I felt his arms around me and I froze. I wasn't sure if it was okay.

"I might've overreacted as well."

"You're too good for me you know?" I wasn't so sure, but it was always something nice to hear.

"I'm worried about you, that's all. I don't want you hurt and I want to support you all the ways possible." I turned to kiss him, and I felt like I was exhausted with that day.

"It's been a hard time. I was thinking about going somewhere out for the weekend to chillout and to distance ourselves from all the problems." It was an odd offer for Christian. He liked being in the centre of action and he wanted to be up to date with all the info he could get. I didn't think that distraction was the thing we needed. I knew I wanted a break from this and that included Christian himself. Not for long, only for one day.

"I'm seeing with Kate. I thought that Saturday apart is a good idea and that you don't like to be distracted."

"Oh… You didn't mention that. I thought you'd like to spend more time with me."

"I will. I'm just constantly busy."

"As am I." He was actually right. He was running his empire and he was constantly doing something. I was closed in my small world and I wasn't letting too many people in.

* * *

I was changing, and everyone was noticing it. Kate was used to the changes and she thought they were for the best. I saw my Dad once and he couldn't express how happy he was to see me after such a long time. I felt like I truly missed him and felt so grateful I could go and see him.

"How you've been doing lately?" It was one of Flynn's questions. That was one of the times I was seeing him on my own. I didn't want him as my therapist, but I knew he would understand some of my insecurities. Despite the fact Christian and I were really close, I had that fear that I wasn't enough. Every time I said that, Christian was doing everything to make me feel loved and accepted. I was trying to make that fear go away, but the situation with Elena wasn't helping. I was having nightmares of the past. I thought about what Christian was saying when we were in the playroom. I was his type. Everything made sense. He was punishing himself for the things that weren't his fault. I could totally relate to that. We were both fucked up but he wasn't facing that on his own.

I woke up in pain and I knew I had another nightmare. In that dream, I was trying to comfort Christian, but nothing worked. It felt like it was too late to save him.

He was holding me until I was capable of being on my own. It was dark in the room and I stopped him from turning on the light. I preferred to stay in the dark.

I told him what was going on in my head.

"One of the reasons why I didn't want to sleep with you was because I've had nightmares since I remember, and I didn't want to hurt you by accident. You've already saved me Ana." I hid in his arms and let myself to burst out and cry everything I had in me. He wasn't stopping me or complaining. I told him that I was worried, and I wanted him to avoid that evil bitch.

"I made up my mind. I have to. I need to know what's going on and if no one can get that out of her, then I have to do that." Convincing went for nothing. I lost again. I would always lose in that competition.

"Okay, goodnight Christian." I turned to hide my face and buried into the sub mode to clear my head from uneasy thoughts and fears. I had to trust him as well.

I wasn't speaking to him for about the majority of the week. Our contact was limited, and I knew it was bad to treat him like that. I was no better than him. Kate thought I was right, but it didn't matter much. I was completely lost, because Christian received an email from someone he didn't know. In this email he found attached photo of him and some sub I didn't recognise. I knew he had pictures of every sub, what he didn't know was that someone else also had the copy. Christian knew it was Elena's doing. He was expecting that she was working with someone to bring him down.

I was in my usual spot in the great room. The place was holding plenty of memories now, both great and tragic. I heard the piano and turned to see him. He was playing one od Chopin's nocturnes. It's been a while since he last played. I saw he was totally focused on music. It was one of the things that could sooth him down. I sat next to him and he stopped playing.

"I didn't want to interrupt you. I miss you." I gently touched his arm and I wanted him to touch me.

"I'm not so sure. I haven't changed my mind. I'll do that." I nodded although I wasn't okay with his decision and he knew it.

"Just be careful and don't listen to her lies. The only thing she wants is to hurt you. I really love you just the way you are and you're no monster." I assured him although it hurt me to say it like this.

"You're mine Ana. I'm not risking losing you." His hand was running from my hair to my cheek. He kissed me slowly and I wanted to tell him to stop but I didn't do that. I knew that in the end I would give in.

* * *

The situation was becoming worse. Grace received several photos in the mail and that was the moment when Christian decided to deal with her as fast as possible and I had to help him with his mother. Their relationship was fragile, but his parents loved him very much. They felt so guilty that they didn't protect them from the predator. The photos were signed 'You raised a monster" and that was a thing that was bothering her the most. Grace was shocked at first with the images she saw but Christian assured her right away that nothing that happened on those photos were done with consent on both sides.

I was quiet because I didn't know what to say. The previous night I asked him about these copies.

"These were to make sure my secret would be safe. It's kind of ironic that they might be the reason to expose me." Irony was very underrated. You could see irony everywhere and it was amazing how real it was.

" _Did you have the photos of every sub?" It sounded harsh and it was meant to sound that way. I wanted to know if there was a chance that in something I was at least a bit different._

" _No. I've never taken any of you. I thought it would be wrong with you. I knew you would never do such thing. Honestly, you were one of the best subs I've ever had." I had good reasons to doubt that. I must've been terrible especially with my clumsiness._

" _The only plus was that you could make me yours without any interferences. It must've been comfortable." I saw that nostalgic smile that reminded me that he in fact missed a bit of my submission._

" _You were totally mine. The best thing that could've happened and you were really one good student. Teaching you was really a pleasure." He reached out to me and I was in his hands immediately._

" _But in the end, I was just like the rest." I sadly turned away._

" _No, you weren't. You were more innocent, delicate. We have to go through this together and then we can finally appreciate to maximum the fact that I can finally have all of you."_

" _You've been with me for months." I rolled my eyes which reminded me how he used it as pretext to spank me just for fun._

" _Ana. You know what that means." I shrugged and pretended like nothing happened. Obviously not for long._

"Why are you so quiet Anastasia?" Grace asked me and brought me back to reality.

"I guess I have nothing to say that I already don't know." I knew it wasn't the best moment for talks but he had to make it stop. Finally, he left me with his mother to talk to Carrick about arranging the visit and I was sitting face to face with her.

"I feel good when I know that he really trusts you even with things like that. I though you'd be more surprised about it and more expressive."

"I've known about it for a while. The shock is gone for a while now." She understood and I suddenly felt sad that the circumstances uncovered some facts we wanted to be gone forever.

* * *

 _ **Liked it? Let me know and have a nice day :)**_  
 _ **~M**_


	27. The moment when you stop the story

_Hey,_  
 _I'm posting the last chapter :P I think I'm being partly evil and cruel, and I promised myself that I'll end the story by the end of July._  
 _Thanks for all feedback, funny messages and the time you spent on reading my story. I feel like another thing ends and I'm absolutely happy that it's finally over._

 _Thanks a lot, enjoy the last chapter_  
 _~M_

* * *

Chapter 27

CPOV

We could feel that the air around us was thicker. I knew I had to do this on my own and to see her. The risk was too high. I knew for a fact that she had an accomplice. She wouldn't be able to do such thing on her own, but there were no leads. I had to shut her mouth for good and I didn't know how to do that exactly. She was the woman who made me believe I was a monster that couldn't be loved and deserved nothing else than what she'd given me. Anastasia… _No… It's Ana,_ I immediately scolded myself. I needed to work on that. It might have seemed irrelevant, but the names are very important in everyday life. Ana was extremely patient with me the whole time and I wasn't sure how she was doing that. I knew she didn't approve my decision, but after she saw what my Mother got and two days after what she found at work made her accept it although she was worried. I was arranged to see her the following day and I was going there with my father. I took a day off because I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on anything.

I was trying to understand her motive, but I had no idea what her point was. Her power over me was greater than I assumed. I entered the library and saw Ana with her laptop and with her headphones on. She was busy, and I didn't want to interrupt her. I had a cup of tea with me, despite the late hour.

I put the tea on the desk and I wasn't sure if I should stay or leave. I loved her very much, but I felt totally out of control. Every day was vulnerable, every day something might go wrong. I couldn't find the right way. Anastasia was very considerate, but I knew that she was doing it for me. On my behalf, I knew that I was overreacting in some ways. I could tell she had moments when she felt like she was under control all the time. I partly missed what we had in the past. It was easier for me. I felt good when I was running things in my life and in my surroundings. We were slowly working things out.

"Is it that late?" She looked at me and it was enough to tell. I was coming to get her when it was after ten, and I was honestly worried about her, because whenever she had problems she was escaping to work, and I knew that coping mechanism just fine. I knew how much it mattered for her to constantly improve. I was usually coming to remind her that she had to sleep like a normal person.

"Yes, it is." She clicked to save the latest project and closed her laptop. She was silent, and I felt odd about it. Maybe she was just tired.

"I have the visit tomorrow." I stated simply. She nodded and no other reaction. It was so unlike her. "I thought it would be better if you knew." I knew Anastasia was going through a bad time. Especially as she got a photo of Leila. It was disturbing for her although I was trying not to give her any reason to be jealous.

"I guess you're right. Just be careful and don't listen to that bullshit." She kissed me, and I felt that she hid in me to feel safe. I stroked her hair and wanted to assure her that I wanted nothing else than a peaceful life with my girl.

"I won't be alone. My father will be going with me. I'll normally pick you up tomorrow and try not to worry too much Darling."

* * *

The ride with my father was relatively quiet until we stopped for a short walk.

"So, you and Anastasia? Is it something serious? Honestly it wasn't a question I expected at that point.

"I guess it is. I love her very much." I saw a kind smile on his face. I knew he was fond of her despite his initial fears.

"She loves you too. Will I see the picture of her like that?" I shook my head and I saw he was relaxed and I had to be honest.

"You won't but it doesn't make it gone. Anastasia was one of my submissives, but she was different from other women and I'd been seeing her for over a year." I explained everything to him and told him about all the things that led us here.

"She does care. If she makes you happy, then I'm happy too."

"She does, more than you think. She makes me see things differently and I've never been so happy as I am now with her."

"Then just go with it. Deal with that whore and finally live your life." I decided to go by that advice to the fullest.

* * *

Seeing Elena after such a long break was an odd feeling. I could see how exhausted she was and that she had many marks and bruises on her body. Podophiles weren't in the best position here.

"What are you playing at, Elena?" I snapped without a proper hello. Her face suddenly brightened in a smile.

"Impatient little thing, are you? You took your time to visit an old friend." She was so arrogant even when she was locked down.

"You know why I decided to come. I want it, all to stop and I want you gone from my life for good." I wanted to throw up when I saw her smile.

"It's harsh. I thought you'd make things easier for me. I want to be out from this place and I think you're in position to help me." I was actually amazed how ignorant she was. In her opinion, her actions were alright, and she had no reason to be ashamed or feel guilty.

"I don't want to help you. I want you gone. Wasn't my message clear enough?" I was calm, but it was hard to control my emotions. She knew me more than other people and I hated myself for letting her hurt me so badly.

"What if I help you in return? You need peace in your life and control and you won't get that with that mouse." I didn't expect my father to say anything today. He promised me he would let me talk.

"Don't." His tone could make hell freeze. She understood that time for jokes is over.

"Tell me who was sending these photos?" Elena swore, and I felt like the situation was about to get better.

"No, but I can promise you that it won't happen again. I want you to be happy." I shook my head. I didn't believe her promises anymore.

"I don't trust you. I want the name and I want you to finally let me go." She obliged, and we knew we had to pay another visit. This time I would send my people to manage that. We were about to leave when I heard something that I never wanted to hear in my entire life.

"I found your mother."

I knew it wasn't something I could ignore, but I decided not to show her that it mattered.

Many people thought my mother died when I was a child. For years I thought it was true. The fact was that she left me. She overdosed, and she was close to death, but she survived, unfortunately what happened after was way worse. She didn't want me at that time and abandoned me. I couldn't forgive myself. Services couldn't find her, and in the end, I was adopted. It was the best thing that happened in my life. I took me a while to grow into the family but in the end, I stopped regretting that choice. She was in no condition to raise me. I couldn't blame her.

"Maybe I don't want to see her." I said it to her although it couldn't be further from the truth.

I knew that my Dad was absolutely shocked by that information and he wanted to verify it as soon as possible.

"I wish you all the best." She didn't seem sincere in those words, but I had to have some trust left in me to let that go. We left, and I drove my father to his office.

"I'll check the info and let you know later. I also suggest calling your IT guy to sort out that mess." I approved and went to pick Ana from work.

I was there almost on time, so I took my time to set another appointment with John for tomorrow.

If the info form Elena was real… I didn't want to think about that too much.

Ana welcomed me with a short hug and I knew she was worried about me.

"We'll talk about it at home." When we got back I disappeared in my study only to find out that the info was true. Indeed, she found her, and I was thinking where to go from there. I decided to consult a specialist first, rather than doing something rash.

I told her about the visit and that I was working on keeping us safe. I also decided to tell her about the info I got on my mother and I saw she was moved.

"It'll be okay. If you want, you can finally meet her."

"We'll see about that. I'm not sure if I want to."

"Don't even try to lie to yourself. Of course, you do."

* * *

I decided to move forward form all the bad things that happened in my life and to let her go. I saw my mother once or twice but it didn't change the way I felt about her. I could only partly understand her pain and desperation. She was still a child when she had me and she wasn't rational at that point. I knew she wasn't in best condition but I found out that she found a job and her life got better. Not perfect, but I was sure she wasn't taking any drugs or worked as a prostitute. She had little money but she didn't have to worry about destructive people. She was a survivor and I was proud of her. We decided with Anastasia that we weren't going to leave her alone. We wanted to do something o make her life at least a bit easier. I decided to let go and enjoy what I have. I was close to my another birthday and I knew what I wanted the most, but I knew I couldn't

I called Mia to tell her that I'd be away so she didn't plan any party under my abscence. I had another plan.

"But why?"

"Because I'm proposing to Ana and I want to witnesses." I joked. I felt like it was impossible that she would reject me. Still, I wanted it to be our moment.

"Whoa, that's a totally different thing!"

"Quiet! No one is to know, clear?" I heard how excited she was and I was happy to have such a supportive family.

"Absolutely." I ended the call and found myself wrapped by Anastasia.

"You really should make calls like these so I wouldn't hear." I heard her laughing cheekily.

"You heard everything, didn't you?"

"The answer is yes, and you know we have to leave in five so hurry up." I loved that woman very much and everyhting was going to be fine.

* * *

 _Okay,_  
 _So, this is it._  
 _Once again, thanks a lot and I'll be hanging around somewhere._

 _Cheers_  
 _~M_


End file.
